Having this blog still published is very strange.
I haven’t had the heart to delete it, even though it ran from years 2006 to 2009 (mostly); I was very young and it hurts a little to read some of what I wrote. A lot has changed, I was around 20 and very immature (I think I may always run a little behind my actual age, at least when it comes to social/emotional maturity). There’s a lot of silliness and dramatic statements, as they felt at the time.
But there’s also a lot of “me”, and a lot of value (for myself) in the observations I registered at the time. There are some things that still ring true, too. I cannot discard everything my young self said, and I cannot blame her. This was her reality and shaped a lot of my current reality. It’s also nice to know that some things have changed, reflecting a degree of growth. It wouldn’t make sense for me to be exactly the way I was almost a decade ago.
I considered making the blog private too, but it feels like something would be lost if I did. Sometimes I’m a little paranoid that anything of what I said in here could eventually be tracked down and used against me, the internet being so widespread and the privacy issues not being resolved. When I used to blog here, privacy was not really an issue in my mind, it felt like a secret place where I could still interact with people, but things have grown complicated.
So I probably won’t give that many personal details (I’ll try), although some of my old readers do know who I am in the real world, and some of my entries could make my identity unmistakable. I also know that if someone really wants to track me down they could, but lets appeal to the fact that I’m a nobody and there’s little chance that I’d become a target. Not to mention I never really spoke about anything revolutionary. It’s sad that something like having a debilitating mental illness could be used against you though.
I’ll leave the rants about internet privacy for another entry, if I get to it.
For now, here are a few SPOILERS! about the person that writes this blog, as continued from my last entry, in 2010. If you are a new reader, don’t worry about not knowing how these items compare to the old entries, it’s mostly fluff anyway.
- I’m almost 30 years old now! How did this happen? I always seem to have been shocked about being any age, so this is not much of a change, is it? 😀
- I haven’t been drinking coke for about 3 months now. This used to be huge for me! It’s not too long, but I am fully on board with this. The phosphoric acid in coke is certifiably bad for my bones, and at this advanced age I need to start thinking about preventing osteoporosis.
- I still suffer from about the same kind of mental illness, whatever it is (some kind of complex mood disorder, possibly with some personality disorder involved, but maybe not). I’ve gone back and forth on actual diagnoses, hungry for some kind of label, because it’s highly distressing not to even know what to tell people when they realize I’m not quite so sane. It deals with self-identification and social interaction. Alas, I may not find out anytime soon, or there may not be anything to find out.
- I finally changed careers! In 2009 I wrote this:
Graduation comes with a bittersweet flavor as none of that is in the past. I completed a cycle but there’s no relief or hope in it, just the realization that one year and a half is not all I’m going to lose. I’m not able to work right now. Will I ever be? This is a very disgusting kind of uncertainty. And I imagine myself being 80 years old, looking back and thinking “Why did I do all of this for? I could have given up at age 22 and spared myself from all these lost years. It’s been downhill since anyway.”
In a way I did give up at age 22. I graduated and threw everything behind me. There was a huge cathartic relief in it at first, but soon it got complicated. Obviously. If I wasn’t going to work as a doctor, then what would I do? I proceeded to have one of the worst break downs after that, lasting over 2 years. But I recovered to an extent, I started something new at some point, still in the sciences, but with more math!
- A couple of years ago I met someone that I’m planning to marry soon. I couldn’t really have imagined that I’d like being around someone so much and that I’d find him awesome and fall in love, we’re both slightly mental, in similar ways but complimentary enough not to die from it (yet).
- I am now unable to make babies, by my own decision. I’ve never wanted to be a mother! It actually is a disturbing idea for me. I have 0 maternal instinct.
- I have indeed seen snow now! It was every bit as glorious as I imagined it would be.
- I took the IELTS again, and totally pwned my old self. A full fat 9 in reading and 7.5 in the other items. Woohoo! Jag har också börjat lära mig ett nytt språk. Kan du gissa vad det är?
- There are a lot of little highly problematic things in my old entries that didn’t register when I had less of a socially-conscious mind. I’ll try to address them as I go.
- I still write a lot of self-involved crap!