I don’t want to get rid of my blog, so that’s out of the question for now.

But I liked writing in here, and I don’t do it anymore.   One big cause of my not blogging is the fact that I finally found someone, who is my best friend in the world.  Never in my life I could have expected I would find someone like them.   I didn’t think they existed, as I tend to be surrounded by sucky kind of people.  I settled for previous friendships that brought me more suffering than joy because I thought that’s all I would ever get and I just had to get used to it.

Basically, I wrote a lot of things in this blog because I had no one to share them with.  No one who truly understood, was sympathetic, and still loved me and didn’t seem to be just waiting for me to turn into someone else.   Maybe loneliness fueled this blog and I was really waiting to fish someone.

However, there are reasons other than emotional vomiting for having this blog.  For instance, English is only my second language and the internet is the only way I get to practice it.  I read a lot and it helps but my writing can only get better if I keep doing it.

Also, I still have depression, and after the years, my predictions is that even if I find a treatment that improves my quality of life, it will probably won’t get rid of the illness.  The chances of a definite cure get lower the longer this stays in me and the more treatments that fail.  I still remember being diagnosed at 16 and thinking it was an inconvenience to have a depression episode lasting a whole year.  I hate taking medication.  I wouldn’t even take aspirins before that and just distracted myself from the ocassional headaches.

I still want to write about my progress or lack thereof.  For example, lately, it’s been hell moodwise.  I graduated from medical school.  In my country, I can work as a GP.  NOW.  I could go outside and get a job now.  Or can I?

It’s been bad.  I’ve been homebound.  The symptoms have increased after my graduation.  One reason is that when I graduated I stopped having insurance (but I was already running cold turkey for at least two months before I lost it).  Another reason is that, frustrating as it was, I had something clear to work towards.  I needed to graduate.  Now, it’s just life ahead of me.  It’s work I cannot do at the moment.  It’s being an adult with a degree still living at my parents.  It’s days and days that go by when all the other GPs are learning new things about their profession and I’m not.  Instead, I’m forgetting.  I feel like a fraud.  I can’t take care of myself much less of other people.  I have so much but I feel unable to do anything with it.   I’m completely unproductive for society at the moment.  My biggest acomplishments are getting out of bed and, if it’s a good day, showering and getting dressed.

When I was 16, I thought by the time I turned 23, I would be starting to work in awesome science research projects, most likely abroad.  I was so ambitious, I still am.

Tittle explained by the date of my next birthday.


5 thoughts on “Paraskevidekatriaphobia

  1. >>My biggest acomplishments are getting out of bed and, if it’s a good day, showering and getting dressed.

    I hear you and I’m 6 yrs older than you. It feels like a subsistence existence.

    I believe that you will find fulfilling and useful work, maybe not as a GP, but it’s out there somewhere waiting for you. You’re hyper-intelligent, you’re dedicated and driven, and you have an insight into depression others don’t. You have a lot to give.

    I hope there is a resolution to your insurance problem. I can’t imagine how difficult and frightening that must be.

    Take care, dear Nessa, and stay in touch x

  2. It feels like a subsistence existence.

    Exactly, yes. Most of the energy goes into just staying awake.

    Thank you La, 🙂

    My parents are helping me with the insurance, it’s something private that you have to pay each month, and the costs are generally higher than what I used to have but I think it’s important that I go back into some sort of treatment now.

  3. Everything I now want to say to you and help you believe is what NOT to say to a depressed person… I’m a hopeless romantic who does not trust any doctors or meds, and my days of constant morbid suicidal thoughts I have left behind with my blog. So in essence, I’m not gonna insult your intelligence by trying to relate to you right now.

    I just hope things work out the way you want them to. All I know is if you wish for something, never give up trying to try to try to get it, you’ll get there eventually. Maybe not how you first planned, but that’s the fun part – The journey to recovery.

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