Epic Failure

As you must imagine, my imaginary reader, my blog traffic has decreased to the occasional bot, but this is just in case.  Been debating whether to part entirely from my blog or to post the occasional thing.  I suck at getting rid of things, so it seems like it’s going to be the latter.  Thank you so much for saying hi in my last post and sorry it took me so long to say something about it.  I did read your comments as soon as they were posted.

*clears throat*

So it turns out that here, every year around August, it is tradition that people get or make kites in different colors and shapes and try to get them in the air.   Seeing as July is ending, they’re selling them everywhere now.  I noticed the rainbow parade on the sides of the streets just yesterday, with a confused look in my face as it seemed like it was only 3 or 4 months ago that I was planning to get my Kite Revenge.  See, kites never really worked for me,  even though every year in school they took us to open spaces with strong wind for that object.  I saw little colored pieces floating in the air, while my small kite was usually tangled on my hair or up some power line.  So last year I said, that’s it.  Me and the wind have some unsolved business here and we’re going to finish it!

Yeah well, it never happened.

I just can’t believe it’s been that long.   It’s almost August again.  Time flew by.  I remember years used to take ages.  – it sucks trying to describe objective measurements of time using relative measurements of time, but you all know what I mean.  The earth is so obviously spinning faster around the sun.

My brain constantly flips between feeling too old and too young.  Sometimes it’s both at the same time.   In general, I’ve aged about a decade in the past 2 years.   One sign of that is how I used to feel like I could relate only to those my age or slightly younger and I thought someone 5 years older than me could be my parent.  I always defined myself as being mentally younger than my chronological age, not in intelligence, knowledge, or even maturity.   It was just that in my brain, I was still a child.  Peter Pan complex if you will.  Now, all of you older than me will probably recognize this and be like “aww, so cute”, and I guess it could be normal that I finally feel like an adult almost 3 years after I stopped being a teenager.   But it’s more than that.  I feel ancient.

I’m graduating next week.  *does the I’m- going- to- be- a- doctor- at- least- in- paper dance*

Took me 2 years to do a 1 year internship because of constant mental health related interruptions.  I had a 6 months break in 2005 for the same reasons, so technically, I was supposed to graduate 1 year and a half ago.  This should be overlooked after noting that I started my medical education when I was 15 so I could more than afford this delay.   I mean,  I could have taken constant breaks to take trips around the world, get drunk every night for months at the time and have lots of sex in between and still have graduated at a decent age for society’s expectations.    But nah, that’s just not me.  My idea of fun is to spend my time in pjs struggling to put a foot out of my bed, having panic attacks, dreaming about death and going to several psychiatrists and eating medication like candy – just to train my self on how patients feel of course.

Graduation comes with a bittersweet flavor as none of that is in the past.  I completed a cycle but there’s no relief or hope in it, just the realization that one year and a half is not all I’m going to lose.  I’m not able to work right now.   Will I ever be? This is a very disgusting kind of uncertainty.   And I imagine myself being 80 years old, looking back and thinking “Why did I do all of this for? I could have given up at age 22 and spared myself from all these lost years.  It’s been downhill since anyway.”


12 thoughts on “Epic Failure

  1. Hi Nessa *waves*

    Firstly, I’m having similar issues with my blog, so I understand where you’re coming from. I’m so glad you posted today. I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how you’re getting along, but felt, I dunno, too shy to e-mail you. I mean, if everything was wonderful I didn’t want to be a reminder of something bad for you; at the same time, if you were feeling low I thought you’d probably tell me you were fine and not to worry. There’s a difference between e-mail and blogs, you know? Anyway, no matter what happens, please keep in touch, don’t disappear.

    Secondly, most importantly, I want to say HOW PROUD I AM OF YOU!
    I’m so happy you’re graduating and that you’ve reached this point. I know it hasn’t been easy at all, and Nessa, YOU HAVE DONE WELL. Please take some time to own this achievement.

    You have earned a medical degree! That’s amazing! Look beyond your social group and see that you have achieved something that 99.67% of the world’s population don’t have.

    And you’re only, what, 21!?

    I understand it feels like an anti-climax now, and that it hasn’t magically made life OK, but it’s still an amazing achievement.

    Lost time… I’m going to be 30 next year so I understand too well how sad and frustrating it feels. But what choice do you have? What choice do any of us have? We have to play the hand we’re given, even if it feels unfair.


  2. *waves back*

    Thank you!

    I’m turning 23 next November.

    I am often too hard on myself but I had higher ambitions and I feel helpless that I can’t meet them because of something so external and beyond any talent and dedication. But mostly it’s just depression getting in the way of anything that should be good and making it crappy.

    *hug* I understand what you mean about email not being the same as blogs. For the most part I’m terrified to email people in my blogroll.

    Take care, I hope I can keep this going this time.

    1. This might sound arrogant… but I’ve been thinking about it a lot in the past few days..

      Here we are: above average intelligence, talented in various fields, and practically paralysed. While all about us millions of more mediocre folk get on with their lives. Why, when we seem to have more going for us, do they get ahead?

      I think the answer lies in our expectations and aspirations. The good violinist is broken-hearted he’ll never be a great violinist, so he locks his violin away. It’s not enough to be mediocre.

      But if you’re already mediocre, you’re content simply to get as far ahead as you can.

      Or maybe I have some kind of ego complex 😉

      Btw, 23 is still young and you can always say you went to Europe and did a shitload of drugs, or wrote a novel, or married a Lithuanian and played housewife for a year, or whatever. You’re under no obligation to tell the truth 🙂

      But… tomorrow isn’t another day is it? Or rather, it’s *just* another day. Another day like today, and yesterday, and the day before it. Another day to do the same shit that you’ll do the day after that and next week and for the rest of your life. There is no fresh start, because this depression will still be there.

      I understand, and wish I didn’t.

      I don’t want to finish on this depressing note, so I’ll just say CONGRATULATIONS! again. Really, I can’t stress enough, what an achievement it is. Let’s try to live in the moment for a moment and just celebrate that xx

      1. Hey you can “Reply” to this.

        I know exactly what you mean about the violinist and such. I also tend to hide it because I don’t want to sound pretentious.

        If I had lying skills, I could talk about my Lithuanian husband.

        Lets just get drunk.

  3. I do read your blog so hopefully I am not imaginary…

    Has anyone ever said that you worry too much?

    As long as you keep going forward it does not matter how long school takes.

  4. Congratulations on graduating! In the time I’ve known you, you’ve been through so much and fought so hard to get where you are. You deserve to be proud of yourself, to revel in the hugeness of your achievement. You’re a DOCTOR, for fucks sake. That’s AWESOME!

  5. Nessa,

    I am So proud of you, you have no idea how much.
    CONGRATS in graduating, I’ve been with you for a fair way of it and gone through the pain you have, even if i am on the otherside of the world, you know I will always be here for you no matter what you do.

    I look up to you alot Ness and sometimes i don’t think you realise that, you inspire me to be the person i want to be. You make me see that my goals aren’t as far away as i once thought they were.

    Stop being so down on yourself you are an amazing woman and you have so many people who care for you.

    Chill out and enjoy life babe, you deserve it. What you have done there is no way in hell half of can do that. You deserve a medal…getting a degree and passing it is your medal

    you are no longer miss nessa… you are now DR nessa… can you believe that DR NESSA R.

    You are the greatest! the greatest dr, and most of all you are the greatest friend!

    I love you with all my heart and although we haven’t spoken as much since me having a child…. you will always be my best friend… my best friend overseas. I will always look forward to the day we meet… coz we will meet one day.

    all my love

  6. “Why did I do all of this for? I could have given up at age 22 and spared myself from all these lost years. It’s been downhill since anyway.”

    I’ve had similar time travel dreams…


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