It is been almost a month since the last time I posted. Opps.
My moods aren’t any better or any worse than they were before. There is too much going on and I physically don’t have the energy to write out my thoughts in here. From what I’ve read, many people in my blogroll aren’t doing well at all, and I think it’s horrible that anyone has to go through what they are going through. I am doing fine, I say, forgetting that just today everything in my head was going down the toilet, and that I’ve been dissociating much more than before. Having the strong feeling that if I keep walking past a cliff I’m just going to float or that the horse I’m riding can fly. It doesn’t mean that I think any of this is actually going to happen, it just means that life doesn’t feel real at all. We all experience something like that everynow and then, but I’m starting to think “well, when is it going to stop?”
I haven’t taken my meds in more than a month. The anxiety has worsened but in general there doesn’t seem to be a significant difference in my moods and behaviour with or without the medication. Same as crazy, baby. During my life I’ve noticed that chemicals in general don’t do much on me, like caffeine or painkillers. I have yet to find out if this is just an impression of mine or it is really possible that there’s something in my metabolism that is interfering.
It could all just be an impression. I’m trying to analyze my own thoughts from the inside. Sometimes I’m not very objective when it comes to myself. But it’s me and a lot of people. It’s just that I’m trying to be the patient and the doctor at the same time, seeing as there’s no “professional” than I can turn to. I have people who care a lot about me and I love them, and I probably would be dead without them. But definitely in this, I’m on my own. And I have no clue.
I know I’ve been bad, not posting and all, but please say hi if you read this.