It is been almost a month since the last time I posted.   Opps.

My moods aren’t any better or any worse than they were before.  There is too much going on and I physically don’t have the energy to write out my thoughts in here.   From what I’ve read, many people in my blogroll aren’t doing well at all, and I think it’s horrible that anyone has to go through what they are going through.   I am doing fine, I say, forgetting that just today everything in my head was going down the toilet, and that I’ve been dissociating much more than before.   Having the strong feeling that if I keep walking past a cliff I’m just going to float or that the horse I’m riding can fly.  It doesn’t mean that I think any of this is actually going to happen, it just means that life doesn’t feel real at all.   We all experience something like that everynow and then, but I’m starting to think “well, when is it going to stop?”

I haven’t taken my meds in more than a month.  The anxiety has worsened but in general there doesn’t seem to be a significant difference in my moods and behaviour with or without the medication.  Same as crazy, baby.  During my life I’ve noticed that chemicals in general don’t do much on me, like caffeine or painkillers.  I have yet to find out if this is just an impression of mine or it is really possible that there’s something in my metabolism that is interfering.

It could all just be an impression.  I’m trying to analyze my own thoughts from the inside.  Sometimes I’m not very objective when it comes to myself.  But it’s me and a lot of people.  It’s just that I’m trying to be the patient and the doctor at the same time, seeing as there’s no “professional” than I can turn to.  I have people who care a lot about me and I love them, and I probably would be dead without them.  But definitely in this, I’m on my own.  And I have no clue.

I know I’ve been bad, not posting and all, but please say hi if you read this.



11 thoughts on “Mayo

  1. When I first saw the title of the entry I thought I was going to find an intellectual discussion about mayonnaise. Instead I found a sad Nessa. 😦

    Hi Nessy! We haven’t talked about stuff in a while, maybe I’ll see if you’re on Skype once I finish my maths homework.

    Take care. ~hugs~

  2. “well, when is it going to stop?”

    Eternal bloody question, isn’t it!?

    I was asking someone else, what do atheists and agnostics do when they don’t pray? Hope? Send best wishes? Whatever the word is, I’m doing it for you.

    *psychically transmitting ice cool Coke feelings to you*

    PS. HI! =)

  3. Thank you for saying hi!

    Lach, Mayo means “May” in Spanish. But I did know it would make you think of mayonaisse. 😉

    La, atheists don’t have any praying equivalent for comfort. But I could definitely take those ice cool coke feelings! yummm (says that while drinking a freezing coke). 🙂

  4. At least you are relying on friends and family instead of being alone and I myself would be… non-existent without my own family, despite me feeling uncomfortable when talking about myself and my feelings. But a psychologist is still my recommendation.

  5. Sorry didn’t say hi sooner. But here’s a hi and a message that I’m thinking of you.

    I’ve realised recently that one of my main brain problems is getting caught up in meta-analysis (ie thinking about the way I think/feel/experience the world) and forget to actually pay attention to the experiences and the world that actually matters.

    But then I know that if I don’t I could easily fall into pieces again. Or I might just be inconsiderate and dreadful.

    I’ve not found a solution, but here’s hoping.
    For me and for you.


  6. I thought you meant County Mayo! This time of year is funny isn’t it. It never gets dark properly. From the zoom of the spring to the day upon day electric summer… And the winter isn’t much fun either – what are we left with? Autumn… thank the whatevers for autumn – it’s a breathing space for me at any rate.

    Take care, Dx

  7. Hello! I’ve been crap at keeping up with blogs lately, even my own.

    I know what you mean about imagining you could float off a cliff. My best dreams involve that.

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