I’m really sorry for the lousy and infrequent updates of late. I have been caught in “same old” depression. Same old depression means that my life has been exquisitely boring, with lots of sleeping, walking in smelly clothes after not changing for several days, and random moments of anxiety and thoughts of doom. My brain doesn’t produce anything too fast or too coherently, instead it’s all slow mumbo jumbo and the fear that I’m really retarded but nobody tells me about it because they’re too polite.
So, coming here to write about it could be dangerous, yes, it could get so boring that the world could end. You know, people could just stop living. It happens.
– I changed psychiatrists again. Have yet to see the “new” guy, who is not really new as he was one of my teachers. You know, there is always something really weird about being a patient of your teachers. Something that keeps you from showing yourself too vulnerable or messed up in fear that they are still grading you.
– I got a new medication called “Invega” or as the generic says “Paliperidone”. It’s an atypical antipsychotic and it’s so new/rare that it’s not in my books and I never studied it when I had my psychiatry classes. It’s so new/rare that the farmacy doesn’t have it either so I of course haven’t started taking it.
– I finished one of the 2 rotations I had left to graduate. One to go. They made the last one easy for me, they were considerate with my symptoms and my absences. They allowed me to work on a theoretical project about social medicine instead of seeing hundreds of patients a day. I still feel bad, like I didn’t do my job. But really, I could use some graduation. I could move on, decide what to do. I won’t stop having depression just because I graduate, far from it. But I predict I’ll feel a little less “stuck”. And lets face it I’ve done most of the work required for it. I’m not stupid, incompetent or irresponsible, like many others who HAVE graduated. Yeah I know that’s not an argument.
– I may get a 6 day job working with Healing the Children. The job is perfect because it’s short term, and it’s mostly working with records and organizing stuff when the doctors from the US and other countries come here to perform free surgeries on sick Colombian children. I still don’t know if I got it or not. The requisite was to speak English and to be a medical student. Not many people in my faculty know English. I hope I got it but at the same time I’m like “are you kidding me? you can’t do anything.” That’s probably only my brain getting the kicks out of putting me down.
– The awesome Seaneen at The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive mentioned this blog in one of her articles in the One in Four mag. She got it right, I DO have a serious crush on the Joker. Not sure about the rest *blush*, but I’m really flattered. I have been reading Seaneen’s stuff for a while and I love the way she writes. I’m not being polite, I love it. You guys should also check the blogs in the list if you’re interested, they are all about mental health and they are all different. There are patients, carers and family (who are also carers).
The internet is pretty awesome, huh? Things like twitters and blogs make it feel as if you had access to people’s very thoughts. Also, I suck at socializing, so without this tool, I’d be in the dark from a lot of different perspectives.
– I’ve been playing lots of World of Warcraft. I don’t pay a thing for it (shh). It relaxes me. I don’t know much about videogames but I really like this one. I am also crazy about the Wii Fit, but there are no emulators for that… just imagine being able to excercise while you are playing, plus they have my favorite kind of excercises which are yoga-like and balancing.
Just because they are my favorite kind, it doesn’t mean I DO it. I don’t. I’m a full time sedentary. I’m sitting on my arse right now, dangerously accumulating fat in my arms and tummy. How fun is that!
– Speaking of fat, I made a chocolate cake, and it was delicious, so I made another one. I suck at kitchen stuff so this is a major feat.