My brain is torturing me. Why does it do that?
I’m thinking that I don’t want to get better.
I go from not being able to get up from bed unless it is for some mindless activity that makes me forget who I am…
to not being able to sleep and wishing I could direct a fucking micro asteroid to fall just through my head and damage nothing else, so everyone thinks “oh, what a tragic accident, she had so much potential” and don’t really see how fucked up everything is.
Right now I’m this person with potential.
If I keep living, I’ll be this breathing nonsense. People don’t know but I’ve already given up, a while ago.
I have Avoidant Personality Disorder. They mention one of it’s features are “fixed fantasies”. Patients tend to keep this awesome fantasy that someday everything is going to get incredibly better, without their intervention.
I will magically have a job I actually love working with animals, living near a beach. I will magically have a group of friends that love me unconditionally. I will magically have enough money to know the planet, and also, I will magically live enough to learn everything I want to. Magically. From thin air.
The only thing that has kept me alive are dreams. But they are not real dreams, they are distractions. Unrealistic. I am completely unable to do any of that.
Which means that “surviving” is to stay in this shithole of a country, living off family members who pity you for everything that could have been but is not, having days go by watching the ants crawl up your body.
If that is “surviving” who the hell would want to survive. I don’t. I don’t really want to get better. I want to get my hands on something and squeeze the life out of it. But hey, I am out of energy, so it’s probably going to be me.
If I am not succesful, I will just wake up to see another day, fucking surviving this utterly meaningless existence.
Oh the angst. It’ll probably be over at some point and then I’ll lie flat on bed again not wanting to move.
Going to the other side is not conforting. I feel no better knowing that I won’t be this anxious later on. That is just me procrastinating.
Micro Asteroid. lol