Eternal Procrastinator

My brain is torturing me. Why does it do that?

I’m thinking that I don’t want to get better.

I go from not being able to get up from bed unless it is for some mindless activity that makes me forget who I am…

to not being able to sleep and wishing I could direct a fucking micro asteroid to fall just through my head and damage nothing else, so everyone thinks “oh, what a tragic accident, she had so much potential” and don’t really see how fucked up everything is.

Right now I’m this person with potential.

If I keep living, I’ll be this breathing nonsense. People don’t know but I’ve already given up, a while ago.

I have Avoidant Personality Disorder. They mention one of it’s features are “fixed fantasies”. Patients tend to keep this awesome fantasy that someday everything is going to get incredibly better, without their intervention.

I will magically have a job I actually love working with animals, living near a beach. I will magically have a group of friends that love me unconditionally. I will magically have enough money to know the planet, and also, I will magically live enough to learn everything I want to. Magically. From thin air.

The only thing that has kept me alive are dreams. But they are not real dreams, they are distractions. Unrealistic. I am completely unable to do any of that.

Which means that “surviving” is to stay in this shithole of a country, living off family members who pity you for everything that could have been but is not, having days go by watching the ants crawl up your body.

If that is “surviving” who the hell would want to survive. I don’t. I don’t really want to get better. I want to get my hands on something and squeeze the life out of it. But hey, I am out of energy, so it’s probably going to be me.

If I am not succesful, I will just wake up to see another day, fucking surviving this utterly meaningless existence.

Oh the angst. It’ll probably be over at some point and then I’ll lie flat on bed again not wanting to move.
Going to the other side is not conforting. I feel no better knowing that I won’t be this anxious later on. That is just me procrastinating.

Micro Asteroid. lol


6 thoughts on “Eternal Procrastinator

  1. Know those feelings – its the depression talking hun, you know that – but it is a sneaky one and steals away any confidence in your own abilities – hoping it has taken leave from you for a bit. x

  2. Hey. I’m in the same spot. Try to take just a single step in the right direction every day. Just a single step. You’re not the only one.

  3. Just stumbled upon this while looking for an image for “eternal procrastinator”.

    Love your writing and honesty. I feel that this text and this kind of text should be published into a book and shared with others widely (probably has already been). So many are suffering with disorders that I think have to do with brain synapse misfirings or the likes. I’m completely confident that this kind of honesty would help others. Add in a true, genuine, smart helper of the right sort – and make it solution-oriented.

    I’m also completely sure that how you feel (and truly have) is naturally curable. Maybe CBD oil?

    Not saying everyone is supposed to be the same “happiness mode” or otherwise same mold. Just acknowledging (or claiming) that life really, no matter what, does not need to be a suffering.

    Here’s what I wrote just now:

    Here’s something else to consider (my genuine text that’s almost a come-back to what you say – written a long time ago):

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