Many things about me

I need to start working but I can’t.    I also haven’t blogged because a lot has happened in a short time.  I’ll get around it eventually but the main idea is that I’m working again.  I’m not seeing patients but doing research work.  It’s flexible schedule and I can work from home, seems perfect.  It’s my best chance to graduate, but something is not right.

I’m a little sick of my own complaining.  I’ll just record a few unconnected thoughts for posterity.

  1. I often fear I’m going to die before I accomplish everything I want to do.  I don’t want to die without leaving a mark.  And the little scratch I made in a tree when I was 13 doesn’t count.
  2. I do like the person I am and what I’m becoming. It is a great help to like yourself.  It is a good feeling, and a good tool to deal with adversity.  I can appreciate it now because it’s not always been this way.  My self esteem is not too great most of the time.  I’ve hated myself.  I’ve disliked myself deeply and for a long time.   
  3. I probably only like myself now because I haven’t been around other people in a while.  Know the phrase “I only like me when I’m alone”?. Nevertheless, I think this perception is more accurate than the one I get when I’m around other people, as the latter is a result of social anxiety and lack of assertiveness in many situations that trigger automatic thoughts of self loathing.
  4. I often find myself doing wishful thinking about what my life would be if I could live abroad.  And feel frustrated at the fact that I can’t do it now.  It drives me nuts the possibility of dying after only knowing a teeny tiny portion of the planet.
  5. However, I also fear to make my dream come true in case I screw up.   But it’s also true that there are lots of places to go. 
  6. My ethnicity is not a big part of my identity now, but it might be when I live somewhere else.
  7. My looks don’t really worry me much most of the time.  I’m glad my brain is not obsessing about that.
  8. I usually think that if I don’t write down my thoughts, I will forget them.  I have a terrible memory.  I’ve read some of my old posts without recognizing what I was thinking at the time.   
  9. I wish I was a better writer, because I dislike not being able to present my thoughts in a reliable way.  It’s very possible that the things I remember about my life and myself are not very reliable.  I can remember the retelling of a story, but with each retelling the story changes shape until there’s only a vague idea of what the original thought was.   It drives me nuts.
  10. Memories are often linked with emotions.  I suspect I lack some conection between my cerebral cortex and my limbic system, so for any given memory I try to keep, I’ll remember more facts than what the memory is actually supposed to evoke.
  11. I’m like a moth to a flame with smart people.  I have low tolerance for ignorance, and sometimes that makes me act like an ass.
  12. I fear that because I suffer from depression, the people I care about feel inhibited when they are going through hard times.  Just because I’m not doing well at any given time doesn’t mean I think other people’s problems are less important.
  13. In 2008, I, for the first time pictured what it would be like if I had a child and smiled at the thought.  I must have been sick at the time.  
  14. I don’t think I’m going to work as a doctor.  It’s not only because it’s hard but because I don’t want to.  I still want to graduate to get some closure and open some doors in the world of opportunities.
  15. In two years and nine months I will have lived a quarter of a century. O_o
  16. I suspect I might be mildly in love.  For the people who know me, this should be shocking.  Except they probably already know by now.
  17. I feel very self conscious when my dogs see me naked.  I always feel they are thinking I’m so very ugly without a fur coat.
  18. Apart from that I think my natural state is to be naked.  It’s probably the weather but I’m not too fond of clothes.  I’m dressed right now, because there are people in the house.
  19. I would love to go to a naked beach but I wouldn’t like to live in one of those naked communities.  
  20. One day I’d like to:  Buy an Eurorail pass and everything else I would need for an Eurotrip; do the eurotrip; do skydiving; visit the Great Barrier Reef and scuba dive.
  21. For those who don’t know already, I guess I am bisexual.  In theory, since I’ve never had a girlfriend or slept with a woman.  I know I’m not a lesbian.  I don’t understand why people think bisexuals are fence sitters.  
  22. I would like to learn to speak German, to dust off my math-realated brain synapses, and to learn some physics.  For now.
  23. I would like to sing Karaoke.  I always picture myself singing my favorite songs in front of lots of people and imagine the euphoria I’d get off it.
  24. If I had the chance to go to the space, I’d be very afraid of leaving the planet.  At least without seeing most of it.   I’m very fond of the Earth.
  25. I don’t like to feel the sun on my skin.  I’m always thinking “Cell damage! Cell damage! DNA breaking! Ahhh!”
  26. I have a very dirty mind and I like it.
  27. I absolutely despise bullfighting.  Everybody cheers when the bull gets stabbed but it’s a big tragedy if the bull fights back and hurts the human.
  28. I have never seen snow, and I’m currently very jealous of all the people who are enjoying it. 
  29. I like water, I am good at swimming.   But I am not fit enough.  You know, sedentarism.  I may drown by getting tired.  I always say I’m going to correct that…

4 thoughts on “Many things about me

  1. “I feel very self conscious when my dogs see me naked”

    I get a little freaked out when my cats see me naked. But that’s probably cause my cats do that weird thing where both of them sit really still and just STARE, for ages, without blinking. It makes me nervous.

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