My eyes are made of chocolate

chocolate-eyesMmm yummy.  Dark chocolate… I hope nobody thinks of poking them out to see if there’s really chocolate inside them.   But yes… chocolate.   

So, hello everyone! I haven’t posted in a long while.  Lots of things have happened.   For any new readers, I’m a 22 year old Colombian girl who likes to think and write in English who suffers from Chronic Depressive Disorder since she was 16.  (breaking the third person!)  I was about to graduate as a general doctor but then the illness got in the way and punched me to the ground, so I got to stay at home, which is far from a holiday.

Anyway, it seems like the new meds are finally working!  Like really working, not just making me survive…  No wait.  They WERE working during december.  My family started saying I was starting to act more like myself.   Myself: Chatty Nerdy Clumpsy Sweet Funny thing apparently.   I started waking up early and showering and getting dressed.   (Downside: I got away from blogging, but yea, I’m back.)

But then I ran out of meds, and when I went to get my prescription filled, they gave me some generic crap and there was NO way to get the real Seroquel or Paroxetine.  People sometimes have problems with generics, but I thought I would be careful and pay attention… but…

It seems like generic crap was crap after all.   I am glad that I survived holidays, but things reversed a little:  it’s a little hard to wake up, I haven’t been eating much, my detailed dreams are back (they were gone when I was “better”, and yes there is evidence linking depression and increase in REM sleep where detailed live dreams usually happen).  I have also been irritable as hell.  But funnily enough, when I AM awake, I can barely sit still and yesterday and today I have been more chatty than usual, and I can’t stop, I can’t! I get laughing fits and I’ve been talking to strangers and even hugging people.  

Weird.

This weekend was my grandmother’s 89 Birthday! She is almost NINETY years old! I’m 22… but I feel old most of the times, because I haven’t been any older to compare, and when I become older, then I will be the oldest I’ve ever been so far anyway.  So I’ll never know.  But I do feel old, because I never know what is going to happen in the future.  Sure I have these plans of graduating, and sending myself to Australia and then visit every other part of the world.  I also want to learn German and become a genious in some area like molecular biology someday.  But on a day to day basis, most of the times I’m not quite sure I’m going to make it to the next day.  Will I see my 23rd birthday? or will something get in the way.  Even if I don’t get suicidal again, will a truck run over me?

I know nobody knows these things, especially me the eternal skeptic.  It’s just that my mind is focused on that, and yours isn’t.  If I ever turn NINETY, I sure as hell will throw a party for everyone I know! because, wow! NINETY.  That is of course if I’m not demential by then.  But still, demented people can appreciate a party, no?

Well if I was bipolar, which I’m not, I would say I’m a little bit hypomanic with a changing mood that goes from irritable and tearful to jumpy and chatty whitin the same day.  I’m all over the place.  But no, I’m not bipolar, so this must be some sort of sugar rush.  Except that I haven’t had any sugar today.  Maybe it’s lack of sugar then.  I think maybe it’s just me.  Or maybe it’s the dogs.  I have three now and they are driving me and each other crazy.

Well I’ll try to keep posting.  If I don’t get run over by a truck that is.  Or if I don’t choke on a chicken bone.  Or if my aorta doesn’t sprout an aneurysm that pops open like it happened to Einstein (I just found that out yesterday).  Aneurysm… that’s gotta hurt.

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10 thoughts on “My eyes are made of chocolate

  1. hope you’d get the proper meds soon! or find a hot doctor to date with unlimited access to those meds. 😛

    well, i don’t care, you better keep posting, even after you’ve jumped off a bridge! or something. 😉

  2. Yeah I am waiting to get a hold of my psychiatrist so she can give me some free meds. It’s all I can do for now as the insurance company won’t do anything about it.

    Thank you people for commenting. 🙂 I’m going to try to keep this updated more often.

  3. Hey, I take Seroquel too, 50mg. Although I think it’s not working properly… either that, or the Imipramine (Tofranil) isn’t doing its job. But I too have days when I’m all over the place, especially at work. I’ll start out chatty and goofy, then get real nervous about something and end up hating everybody, including myself. I think my interns think I’m bipolar, which, again like you, I’m not.

    Keep away from those aneurysms and, hey, show us your dogs! 🙂

  4. And you have your own set of chocolate eyes! So stay away from mine!! 😀

    I am currently at 50 mg of Seroquel too. I was supposed to be in 200 mg, but the dose knocked me over.

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