This is the oldest I’ve ever been.

I haven’t said much lately, both here and offline. I have been taking my meds like I should, and they work, by making me sleep at night and keeping me awake in the day according to my own timezone.   I’m pretty glad that I’m also getting bursts of energy coupled with the extreme curiosity I usually have, that lead me to read for hours until my head hurts.

Yesterday I was walking outside by myself, when it struck me: How come carnivores don’t get scurvy? I’ve never heard of a lion losing their teeth, it would be kind of inconvenient… weird.

These days, with the high speed internet and everyone communicating, the weirdest questions are not that hard to solve. Somebody had of course, asked the same question before I thought of it.  (End of the mystery: unlike humans, lions have a little molecular machine that syntetizes Vitamin C.  We would have it, except our evolutive branch lost it some 63 million years ago. Damn.)

I guess I am okay.  Of course I am living in a pretty basal state.  I fear that this is the best that I can get, just some improved functionality.  I’m not complaining, this is better than before.  I don’t want the anxiety attacks on my brain to come back.  I don’t want the lead weight to increase on my limbs again.

For now, I avoid people.  I guess it’s understandable because unlike the silly scientific questions that strike me everynow and then, the behavior I am to expect of them doesn’t activate my curiosity: I know what they’ll say.  The people that know me, will ask when I’m going to graduate.  The people that don’t know me, will ask what I do.  Both kinds of people will ellicit unpleasant reactions in my mind with no further reward of any kind.  Not very appealing.

I’ve tried the “ignore them and suck it up” approach.  It doesn’t work.  And like I said earlier, I don’t want to go back.  I know I have to do something at some point, but I’m scared.  I don’t want to lose the little progress I’ve made, if you could call it progress. I don’t want anything that risks it. 

However, the holidays are coming, and some things might be inevitable.



6 thoughts on “This is the oldest I’ve ever been.

  1. It never ceases to amaze me how much information can be found on the internet. I remember years ago pondering the lyrics of songs or bizarre pieces of trivia without having any real way to find proof of suspicions and win arguments.

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