I turned 1 year older in November. Tick Tock.
I also had a million inner monologues. I don’t really talk to myself. Have you ever talked to yourself? like, out loud? It’s not for me to do, I’m very silent. Sometimes it’s the opposite and I think I have said a lot of things when I have been silent all the time. I rarely pay attention to the information that comes through the way of hearing. I am visual, all images and symbols, which are images. But sometimes thoughts are not images or symbols, most of the times they are nothing. But I still contain them in a visual structure. Confused? I’ll try to explain.
This is one of the models of my mind. I didn’t create the model, it has been like that since I can remember. The image below I did make, but it’s just a 5 minute mspaint approximation. Anyway, it will do.
First, there’s a current of undefined amount of mess going around the whole mind (messy upper third of the image). Thoughts in their most raw form. No symbols, no words, no images, nothing. But everything comes from here. Everything is IN here. The information coming from the outside (what I see, what I hear, etc), goes to this primordial current too.
Around it there are layers of something else. Lots of them. Each layer works as a filter or a decoder, some of the information from the first level is taken from the main current and processed into something less raw. Somewhere along the process, some information becomes language. Some information returns too. Everything moves really fast.
When I was little I often asked myself why I was decoding this information, or, for whom? Explaining what I can understand to others is a plausible explanation, but I rarely talked to others about what I was thinking.
So it made no sense. After all, if the information is already inside my brain, I already posses it, so why should I try to explain it to myself? Isn’t that redundant?
Sometimes I thought it was indeed redundant, and I stopped. The unprocessed thoughts then kept floating and moving around, and sometimes I lost them for a long time.
I still don’t know what’s up with that.
I guess the main current is indeed like a river. And it’s too wide and messy to grasp it all as a whole.
So I study it carefully and take things out of it, and associate them with other things, and polish them, and make them part of a big something that makes sense to me. The primordial, blue current lacks structure. I can’t see its shape.
The main problem is that what I can see of my mental model is still composed of mainly raw thoughts. I know things move from the primordial current to finished thoughts, I can feel the finished thoughts connecting with each other and building beautiful things, but I can’t see the final structure. And it’s very, very frustrating because it looks as though as I haven’t acomplished anything.
I look inside my mind and all I can see is mess.
I want to understand everything, to make everything part of that structure I can understand. I think everything fits somehow. Every explanation and experience. I know I lack the brain power and the time to know and understand everything, but I figure I can get certain satisfaction from playing the game anyway.
Satisfaction? Probably not exactly “satisfaction”. I am conscious that I will probably have to focus before I go nuts, but that’s another discussion.
And to think I only wanted to say goodbye to my favorite month. Talk about drifting.