I have been having more than a few morbid thoughts.  It’s depressive and annoying stuff so I’ll draw a “read more” line here.  Yes, I know I should do that more often, but what can you do now…  Bite me.

(Eh… very mature Nessa)

My moods have been going down, slow and steady.  For a while it was the usual, chronic state of fatigue and hopelessness with causal lifts.   I am obviously bad enough that I’m off work, I have cut off most relationships (or they have cut me off, anyway) and I am reduced to a living being who only seems to survive.  There are toys that do more stuff than I do.

But of course there was room for it to become worse.

So it did.

It became a complete mess where I don’t want to do anything at all, the lifts are reduced to something worthless or non existent, and then, rather suddenly, anxiety took over completely.

There’s something about anxiety.  Somehow my brain thinks that it is in such a threat that it needs to get away from whatever it is, right this second (fight or flight response).  If the threat was a lion in the corner, then I’d run away from it, and, voila! problem solved (I don’t run that fast, but that’s another issue).  However, in my case the threat is unspecific and it’s perceived to be everywhere, particularly inside my own brain.

There are no words to describe what that feels like (fine, technically there *are*, but I don’t know how to use them).  It’s hard to breathe, my heart rate goes to the roof, everything seems distorted and horrible, and there’s a certainty that I’m going to die a horrible death any second.

And here’s the worst part:  NOTHING HAPPENS!

The brain gets ready to face a danger that never comes around.  The state of mind perpetuates into something so unbearable that death seems to be a very good alternative.

My suicidal ideation has indeed become worse.  Yes.  But this I’m experiencing right now, this I figured it’s not a true wish to die.   I just want to knock myself out.  I want the anxiety to stop.

I’ll take care of the rest at a later time.

Note: Knowing that you are experiencing anxiety doesn’t make it any better.  Cognition is very useless in these cases.


3 thoughts on “Anxiety

  1. “Knowing that you are experiencing anxiety doesn’t make it any better. Cognition is very useless in these cases”

    I think that about a lot of mental-illness-related things. The difference between being knowing and feeling.

  2. I’ve crossed that Rubicon they speak of a long while ago. Ever since I’ve had depression, and even before that, I’ve been constantly dissociated from my own brain, struggling against it when I think it’s acting inappropriately.

    Using it to one’s advantage would seem like the most obvious thing to do, but it’s often useless. Years have gone by and I still have little control over my brain’s actions.

    I am in the third stage. “Damn, my stupid brain is still obsessing about this when I just want to get over it.” but it’s of little help.

    It was an interesting read nonetheless, so thank you for commenting!

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