The monotonous tone of this blog still annoys me. Then why do I still write here?
I don’t have a final answer. For one, I have a lousy memory. And it is much worse when it has to do with depression.
The mood journals give me a numeric-ish track of some sort but this is more descriptive. I can go through the entries and have a better idea of what has happened instead of having a tangled cloud of somethings. I rarely talk about the experiences themselves; I talk more about what’s going on in my head. What matters to me is what flows inside my mind, experiences are just a nice frame.
According to me, it is never good to have a tangled cloud of somethings. I always want to untangle everything, to analize everything, things that people would consider burying instead.
Is this setting of mind propagating my depressive state, or preventing it from getting worse?
Suck it up, bury it, ignore it. It is not that easy or desirable because it goes nowhere, it just stays in your mind spinning in abstract form sucking out your energy. No, I prefer to do something with it. Food would be an excellent choice, but my mind is not that advanced yet.
I just don’t like having hidden soft spots. They are there anyway. For instance, I had a pretty damn lousy time in middle/high school. The blurry beginnings of the depressions blend in with the bad experiences and make a really toxic soup. But these days I’m making contact with old school classmates. I am wary of it but in my opinion this has been something good. It’s like the ghost of the really bad experiences that took housing inside my head, is slowly being replaced by something else that is not scary. It’s going back to a place that used to hurt and realize it has begun to heal. That time doesn’s pass in vain and I’m stronger now.
Without all this processing it would still be a tangled cloud of toxic undefined material. Of course it’s not a light switch… I still need to be careful.
My past, present and future are a big spiral. I don’t want to bury it, I just want to make sense of it.