Futility

This blog is making me sick.  You’d think that the worse depression gets the more I’d have to say about it, that I would go on ranting in endless prose about every inconsequential thought (hey apparently I’m doing it now anyway).

It’s different this time, I mean after I got on the last med cocktail and off again.   The insomnia for example.  I knew that if I ever experienced insomnia, it would be painful.  And it is, in so many levels.

The anxiety has been vaacumed away until the place was left empty.  It’s a huge plain that’s all.  Now, it would be kind of cool if I didn’t also happen to get annoying fits of over-emotional* behaviour.  This is vomit-inducing.*

(I keep staring at the red button that would allow me to make a poll.  The only reason this happens is because it is red and bright and distracting, not because I want to make a poll.)

Anyway, all this thought-monitoring stuff could be almost interesting, except that it changes nothing at all.  In the end of the day I’m someone with chronic depression out of medication (it doesn’t get more boring than that), which means there are no chances for me to get better.  I got a letter from university today wanting to talk to me about a job I can’t do.  If I can’t do the job, what then? *hits wall*  By now I should have been graduated, working, earning the bucks and feeling accomplished ready for the next phase of my life.   I had lots of ingredients to make a nice soup but something went wrong and it’s not even something you can put your finger on.  Just somehow the soup evaporated while the person in charge was looking away at some random bird.

I keep telling myself all sorts of motivating stuff, that I should be patient, that “I’m only taking a break”, that I could do anything, that I’m still young.  The thing is… I suck at lying.  Motivating crap will only get me to wake another day without accomplishing anything by just removing a little bit of the guilt that it involves, that’s all it’s good for.

So don’t think I just sit and wallow.  During this year I tried several times to go back to an active life and it all backfired.  I forced myself into social situations, just in case you believe I am only like this because I hide in a corner all the time.  I joked about things and played them down whenever possible just in case you believe I am like this because I put my head up my arse and cry all the time.  I try to do things I enjoy, I …  Nothing fucking works.

And if you think this is annoying for you, you are only seeing the tip of the iceberg on how annoying it is for me.  And if things are going to be bad anyway, then MAKE ME BACK THE WAY I USED TO BE, when I just slept all the time.

On a very, very unrelated note… I got free samples of hair product in the mail and my hair smells really nice right now.

*I fucking hate hyphens.

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