The unclever tittle

So… I haven’t been doing too well at keeping up with this blog.  Been having urges of taking it down, except that I did it before and I regretted it.

So I won’t.

To continue with the story about the interesting weekend… it was a bad one.  The exam itself being the easiest part.  Depression, anxiety and finally panic attacks had their way with me.  Whatever progress I had until then snapped back to zero.   I came back home absolutely worn out.  I slept all these days… and… HA HA, this is almost funny:  I have to go back for Stage 2: The spoken test, TONIGHT! Oh the hilarity.

No… I have been looking into changing the date because this is really NOT a good time.  In the case I manage to do the exam in an acceptable way, it is my head that will get the worst hit.  This is not me being nervous of an exam.  I can deal with being nervous of an exam, I have been in school all my freaking life.  No.  This is beyond it.  This is so bad I’m not sure I trust myself being alone in such a environment.

Unfortunately it’s unlikely that I can change the date.

When I was at Bogota last week, I caught stomach flu – yes, the cherry on top.  Now, this has had an interesting effect.  When I say “I don’t feel well”, my family thinks I mean physically and leave me alone.  My mom even thought it was acceptable for me to miss Gym (yes I signed in for some reason starting this month) these days because I must be so sick.  The truth: Stomach flu has been gone for a while now…  However, the attitude of my family is very telling. It is acceptable for me to feel awful because of something physical, as it is my body and I can’t control it, right? But, mentally? *gasp* No way! I cannot feel awful, I have to be strong.  Doing otherwise implies weakness and a failure as a person however physical this really feels.

So far, it’s easy then to blame everything on the stomach flu.  It is better.  If I were to talk about the real thing, the current “peace” there’s at home would break into arguments and desperation of how hopeless my life is and how much of a failure I am – no thanks, I have enough of that from myself.

I almost never talk about “the real thing” outside this blog.  People never react well even if they are well meant.  And I invariably end up feeling like there’s this abyss between myself and the rest of them.  Any attempts of building bridges are incredibly expensive for me and rarely sucessful.  When people see a real breakdown it’s much sudden for them as they haven’t seen me sliding down all that time.

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