Brain Talk

dear nessa,
you murderous bitch.
why don’t you get your shit together and decide on something for good?
I’ve only got one nerve left, and you’re getting on it.
You can’t deal with your own life and you’re old enough to do so.
Or so does your birth certificate say.
Aren’t you tired of letting down everyone around you?
No one has ever got me so frustrated as much as you have.
Complaning about how life is never perfect and blaming your brain for it.
Give me a break.
How much self pity are you capable of producing?
you are just an irresponsible child and i hate you.
I certainly hope you are sterile.
will you ever mature and learn to take care of your shit?

dear nessa,
you’re right, I know.
please don’t yell at me.
i am trying.  I am tired.  I am tired of trying.
life feels heavy most of the times.  Is it like that for everyone?
i also wish I knew how to handle it.
i don’t know what I want, and yes, i feel like a child.
please don’t yell at me,
please stay with me,
I would be terrified if you wanted to abandon me.
I love you too.

dear nessa,
don’t get me wrong,
i’ll always care about you
but fuck!, you make me so frustrated!
I’ve taught you so much and it seems like you just let it leak down the drain.
You stupid bitch.
I am sorry I can be so judgmental and so mean,
but, you make me so frustrated!
to me you’re the perfect example of a wasted potential
if you only knew all the things i wanted for you..
oh! i hate you so much.
you make me so frustrated.

dear nessa
will you? will you stay with me?
that’s all I need to know.
I don’t think I could live if you leave.
nevertheless, I hate you too.
i should have your support in this moment
but all I get is your hate and rejection
you SHOULD be here for me
you’re such a big disappointment.
you think you can control everything,
well, you can’t, missy.
you’re just another big loser.
I hope you get cancer.
but please don’t leave me,

dear nessa
I know, I know, I know!
i can’t blame you for all what’s going on
i may… push you too hard sometimes.
i know you since you were a kid,
I know you’ve been trying.
please forgive me
but I see you falling
I don’t want that for you
I just want you to be happy
please understand that
please don’t disappoint me again

dear nessa
I know your intentions are good
but you’re not helping.
i don’t want to talk to you right now,
i know you love me very much,
but I know you’ll snap at me anytime
whenever I “make you frustrated”
and then you’ll hurt me
like no other human could ever hurt me
and then you’ll try to justify yourself
by saying I disappoint you
and then you’ll ask for forgiveness again
and I will always forgive you
but I can’t talk to you right now
i just can’t.
please leave me alone.  Won’t you?

then please forgive me,
you know? I love you.
and I really want to kill you.
But I won’t.

as for the time being,
I need to tie you up,
put a sock on your mouth,
and leave you in the basement
where nobody can hear your shit

I just want to live.
And I don’t want you
making me feel bad about it.
Love you always,

ps: don’t worry,
I’ll make sure you’ll get enough food and water.
And maybe something nice to read.
Everynow and then.


9 thoughts on “Brain Talk

  1. Good post, I know how you feel and have similar conversations with my brain and soul, sometimes they like to appear as my imaginary “friend”. My heart goes out to you *hugs*

  2. Thank you for your comments. Now that I read it back it all sounds pretty insane, doesn’t it?

    I suppose I’m okay. But these conversations are always in the background. 😛

  3. 🙂 Now, If this conversation can be made into a video ( a la Mr Brooks) it would be awesome! btw, i have such conversations too because of one of the reasons you cited, a wasted potential!

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