Maybe uncertainty was better?

How uncertain.

Well, I officially feel like crap.   I took time off, I didn’t feel ready to go back, but I did it anyway.  It backfired.  I crashed down, and now I add another failure to the list (for my mind to torture me with), while the ghost of something unfinished hovers on my head not planning to go anywhere anytime soon.

This is all too recent yet and my brain has too many knots right now.  I probably won’t make a good post, although it’s been weeks since I don’t, so what else is new.  Long story short, I crashed, like I always do, but this time I was not that messed up, and I had a bit of hope that I would do something different this time.   I did something, but it didn’t work.  I basically got laughed in my face, while someone else implied that allowing me to graduate would drop the school standards.  I just sat there, not knowing if I should fight, or accept the charges, my brain was spinning.   I have better grades than the average student, even WITH depression, I got a scholarship worth of a semester in 2007 because of my grades.  I might not be in love with my career, but I do it well.  I pay more attention to the patients than so many people I’ve seen, and I am very good at analizing cases and get diagnosis and solve problems.

The only bit is that I’m too unreliable. I’m good but have no resistance.  Give me some extra hours, and all the good things I have dissapear and are replaced by crazy bugs that shut my brain off.  I become distracted, erratic, my cognitive abilities dissapear, my mood goes completely insane.  How could I keep a job on this? How could they let me graduate and go make the school name look bad when I fail at the “real jobs”?

I asked whether they’re evaluating skills or just the ability to work like a slave.  Know all those morons that barely scrapped through and got drunk everyday? Well they graduated just fine because they pretty much have no need for sleep.  That was the big requirement I didn’t live up to, so go tell me about fucking standards.

At the same time, I see their point.  I’m not running a bussines by my own.  I have no authority here, rules are there (who knows where they came from or why, but they’re there), and the only thing they know is that I broke them.   The morons didn’t… or at least didn’t get caught.   I don’t even feel the support of my psychiatrist anymore…

See, the school system works different here than it works in other countries.  I basically finished high school, then entered university, and I haven’t had another graduation ever since… I mean, we don’t have that system of the US where you do 1) College 2) Grad School (Med school) 3) Internship as the first year of a specialty.  No.  When I signed up for the first day of “college”, I signed up for all the years to come.  Internship is the last year of med school as opposed as the first year of an specialty.   If an intern in the US fails at their intership, all they lose is a few months.  They don’t lose their MD tittle, they can go into something else.  They of course don’t lose their college degree in whatever major they did.

If they don’t allow me to graduate, I would have lost 7 years.  I would be just a 21 year old with a high school diploma.  Now talk about serious problems.  I had bad depresion episodes when nothing bad was going on at all, but because of this I caused actual problems that now haunt me down.

I now have an official reason to be badly depressed, gee, I should throw a party!

Beyond the sarcasm, I feel like hell.  My brain will not forgive this.  I am already swimming among horrible thoughts that I can’t get out.  It is only downhill from here.  I’m not even surprised.  After all, I often feel like I have nothing to live for.  All I had was my dreams, and they’re not available anymore.  I feared a moment like this. You can say I’m still alive and “healthy”, but I seriously don’t care.  I was thinking earlier that I would gladly donate my life to someone who really wanted to live, but for some reason or another is now dead.  It is not possible, but I am so disgusted, I feel like I’m carrying a life I don’t deserve that someone gave to me by mistake and really belonged to someone else qualified enough.  I feel like I caused all this, how could I not? I’m a human adult, not a kid.  I don’t get to play the victim.  But I do (victim of circumstances, biology, mental illness, environment… you name it).  And this adds another ingredient to the disgusting salad that is my head right now.