I’ve been reading a friends trip day by day in a new blog. I’m loving it. I think I have always fantasised about the idea of finding someone’s little old journal on a street, not knowing who it is of, not sharing it, just going into this person’s head. I suppose this is why I like blogs. I get to know so many things about people without having to engage in ages of small talk and superficial behaviour to get such level of depth after a long time.
With blogs I feel like I have free access to several passages in people’s minds. I can wander unknown (lurker), or I can decide to identify myself and sometimes they get into my head too.
Then I stole the idea. Not in a blog. I am in sort of a routine, so posting about it would be really boring. No, I am only trying to complement my mood journal. It is known that for mood disorders, the last advisable thing to do is to rely on your own memory to determine how things have been going lately. It was one of the reasons I started blogging before anyone besides me was reading.
Today I wrote something like this (extreme summary of several notes all throughout the day.)
- Hard to wake up. REALLY hard to wake up. Will not wake up… *wakes up*.
- Can’t get a hold of myself! I barely showered and put on scrubs… A whole day is still waiting for me. Luckily my father drives me, because if it was up to me, I would have stayed home.
- Got to eat something, plus an energy drink, and the attending disappeared for 1 hour. The rounds won’t start until a while… I have time to calm down. Please calm down.
- Fucking boring routine. *works* But nothing exceptionally bad has happened. *surviving mode*
- Oh! Iguanas! *takes photos* I have to accept this day has not being exceptionally hard.
- Fuck! 20 more patients? I am so tired. I have a 36 h shift tomorrow. I had an all night shift on sat – sun. How am I ever going to handle a night shift every 3rd day? plus the full time work during the day? I will not… I will not… I can’t. *panics*
- My last shift turned out quite happy in the end because of one nice event. I can handle this.
- I can’t depend on a person! I cannot be this dependent.
- I am not dependent… maybe I should learn to rely on someone for a change.
- The good thing about today was that I learned to do ultrasounds on pregnant women and actually UNDERSTAND what is going on in that screen. – wow, I like something about medicine. Strange.
I finished with a rather good thought. But the whole day was full of anxiety. But I survived.
I can be on the verge of freaking out, but the day might actually finish off just fine. I need to remember this for the next time I freak out. Maybe I will still freak out, but at least I won’t freak out about freaking out so much…
No, I did not understand that either, don’t you worry.