I thought it would pass. But I’m entering week No. 2 since I watched one trailer from “Batman:The Dark Knight“. Ever since I sat there in front of my tv and I saw this insane clownish villain, I was taken.
It has been annoying for me to see the hype that surrounds the death of Heath Ledger. And The Dark Knight success as a result of what it would seem an incredible marketing campaign (if it was on purpose, but of course this isn’t the case…). It almost seems like people only praise Ledger and the movie, because he’s dead. I suppose in some cases this may be true. I was recently reading Seaneens blog where she acknowledges how the hype might have been somewhat bigger than the real deal in regards to the movie. Not surprising I guess. But I had no such expectations.
Two weeks ago I had no idea that Heath Ledger existed, much less that he had died. I fell in love with the joker without knowing who he was behind the character, or that he had passed. In some way I’m happy that I was able to get a relatively unbiased opinion about the character without the compassionate factor, or whatever you call it. I only saw the character and thought it was amazing. I laughed like hell and the first thing I did afterwards was to go online and google him to figure out who that awesome actor was.
About the movie itself… well, I liked it. I liked the ending which is a lot to say. But I’ve never been a fan of Batman or comics in general, so it’s not too meaningful for me. Without the joker I would have forgotten about it very soon.
So, I googled for “joker” and “the dark knight” and I got a name. “Heath Ledger“… didn’t ring any bells really. A rather weird name in my opinion. That’s all. I was surprised then to see lots of “RIP”s around his name, but my first thought was that I probably misspelled the weird name; how could he be dead if I just saw him and this a new movie? ha.
It turns out I did know Heath from other movies. I saw “10 things I hate about you” about 3 years ago on TV. But I couldn’t believe it was the same guy. I remember I thought he had the most gorgeous smile in the world (seriously), and I had lots of fun watching the movie, because that’s “the one where you can also see Julia Stiles” and “that girl from Alex Mac is there!!“. In the movie he also let a little bit of his Aussie accent come through, so that killed me.
I don’t usually care for celebrities… I don’t watch E! channel, I skip the celebrity gossip section, I know about Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse because they’re all over the place. If someone famous dies, the reaction I would expect from myself would be “Yeah, whatever… Sucks, doesn’t it?” So I couldn’t understand why I was so sad when I realized Heath was gone…
Maybe it is the fact that I had just discovered of his existence to realize it was never really there at the time. It’s like I discovered a ghost. I was ashamed of myself for being sad, and of course my friends helped me by mocking me when I told them about it. Then I expected I would play along and laugh at the whole deal too, but I just stayed sad.
Until this moment I thought I was the only one being stupid. But when I found so many people around the internet claiming that they have been crying over it, I wanted to dig a hole and bury myself. I don’t know if it’s this complex of mine about wanting to be “the only one”, “the special one”, etc. I know I act like that sometimes, it is one of my flaws.
If I’m a freak, then at least I want to be the only freak in the room.
Crazy. And you’d think that make me get over it. Well… NOPE.
I can’t get over it. Not yet at least. I have been watching all of his movies and interviews like he was an old friend of mine. Amazed every time. I watched Brokeback Mountain, I watched Batman… again, I watched 10 things… again, and I watched Lords of Dogtown. I even downloaded the scene of 10 things where he sings “Can’t take my eyes off of you”.
The only reason I haven’t watched A Knight’s tale, Casanova or Candy, it’s because I have no access to such movies in here. I loved what I’ve seen so far, he’s completely different in each one of his roles. The Joker is absolutely amazing. Heath completely disappears into him. I watched Batman yet again this afternoon and I got lost in the character… again. The Joker is the best thing I’ve seen… and I can say it without fear because I thought the same before I knew all the things that surrounded the actor who played the crazy character and died shortly afterwards.
So, I am inside this vortex, while I laugh at myself. I shouldn’t be feeling this for someone I never knew. But I am. I really hate it that he’s gone. I have been outside in some random street when it comes back to me and I say to myself: “sucks that you’re gone”. I have had dreams where he shows up at my door dressed as the joker and tells me that he’s not actually dead, he just had been kidnapped for a while. Then he becomes his normal self and makes a call and goes away in a plane.
I have even thought of his daughter and how she’ll never know her daddy. He’ll always be some ghostly idealized figure to her. The thing she never had for real.
And then I laugh again for being such a sentimental girly.
Oh, c’mon! This is ridiculous. Like there wasn’t enough people grieving him that are not random strangers who didn’t even know of his existence 2 weeks ago. Plus the huge mob of crazy fans.
Still… every time I re-watch some of his movies or something on youtube about him, I think “Awesome! Can’t wait to see what he does next!” and then it hits me again.
There won’t be a next time. There’s nothing beyond this. Nothing. Game over.
And the world will keep moving on. Like it always does.