Confusion, fears and stuff.

It’s been a while, and I am not sure in what kind of mood I am.  Seems to me like I’m riding an ascending mood curve, which is good.  I have even started to feel things like confusion, sadness and boredom, which is normal. Not depression-like, and that makes me happy.

Confusion: I’m aware that I sort of promised myself I would not think of the future, but sometimes it can’t be helped.  I don’t live in a big room where time doesn’t pass.  I have parents, family and friends who remind me all the time of how stuck I am, and force me to think and decide.  Also, if I stay out of school for longer than I have, I will lose my medical insurance, which means no psychiatrist, no medication and total chaos.  I can only have medical insurance if I am IN school or with a job.

But I still can’t figure it out.  I know lots of stuff about a billion of things, but at the same time I am no expert in anything.  I read for pleasure, and I only care about knowing things for the sake of knowing them, not because I want to use the knowledge for something in particular.  While I like this about me, I am aware of how impractical this is.  Like I discussed in Chouette’s blog once, I think I often see my life as though as it was a rehearsal life, like none of this was real.  One day I’ll get a real life, and then I’ll use things that I have learned to get stuff done. But I’m aware that’s not the way things function…

And I am lecturing myself on why am I rambling about this instead of getting something done.  Never ending cycle.

Sadness: Why? My 88 yo grandmother is hospitalized with pneumonia.  She had excellent health and a sharp mind, but I see her falling down…

When I was born she was 67 and people have talked about her possible death for as long as I’ve been alive.  I think in a way, having someone so old as a relative, it’s like having someone with a terminal illness.  You are aware of their limited time, you know they are going to die, but you’re not quite sure when…

Well, she never showed any signs of being close to death, not until now. I don’t think I can handle something like that happening right now… or, ever.  I’ve never lost anyone.  I’m terrified of it.   And seeing her usual sharp mind compromised is… indescribable..

How do you fight fear? facing it? then it means I either have to wait until someone dies, or be scared of it all the time?

Boredom: I had plans for the weekend, but we’re all broke.

And I’m VERY hungry…


5 thoughts on “Confusion, fears and stuff.

  1. >>I don’t live in a big room where time doesn’t pass.

    I think this is the most unfair part of depression. It’s like some kind of Star Trek stasis. For me, I feel like a suitcase at the back of the closet or a folded deckchair in a rainy summer – I’m gathering dust, waiting to be needed, useful.

    But of course, as you say, time doesn’t stop. Life doesn’t stop until you’re well enough to live it. It isn’t a practice run.

    I’ve been worried about a little girl I know starting high school after the summer. She’s very immature for her age, very innocent, and I fear she’ll be eaten alive. This is what a friend said to me after I told him my concerns,

    “Nobody grows up just in time for life’s challenges. It’s going through those challenges that makes you grow up.”

    Even at 27, I think that’s good advice for me, too.

    I hope you’re grandmother makes a quick recovery. I’m sending her (and you) some happy positive lemon-scented vibes from over the water …

    Take care little Asuka xx

  2. too bad you can’t be in macau with me, huh? a month away from home definitely puts a lot of things into perspective. i’ve always loved home, and now i love it more and i miss it every day. and i can imagine we’d have a good time exploring the place together for some reason. 🙂 hope you are feeling better now.

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