A while ago, someone wrote this in a comment at Alabaster’s blog.
“if the long term looks bleak, don’t look past your nose.”
Right now, it’s the only thing I’m holding on to. I have lost much of my self efficacy. This is, I am currently thinking I’m not capable of accomplishing anything, and I will not accomplish anything, because I just don’t have the energy. I recognize this as result of depression, but as always, it’s so deeply infiltrated in my control tower, that reality blends in with delusion and I see through this stained glass with no way to tell shapes apart. It’s just some vortex of unintelligible noise and darkness.
What happened 10 days ago has much to do with these feelings. Normally, if I’m afraid to do something, it only takes me jumping into it, and the fear dissipates as I realize I’m able to handle it. Thought the events in the last year, that included me starting my internship, made me fall into a spiral of jumping in and failing. Next time it’s even more scary because you know you have risked it and it hasn’t worked. Nevertheless, I tried again while feeling I couldn’t handle it, and when I was immersed to the neck, I realized again that I was going to drown, and I did. And I think I tried and failed so many times during the last year, that I learned it wasn’t going to take me anywhere. However, 10 days ago I made myself do it again, and guess what? I failed. I am terrified. I can’t see past my nose because all I see is the vortex.
Based on this I made the decision of taking it slow. STOP trying to go back into the internship, STOP trying to figure out my future. I am not going to look past my nose, instead I am going to take care of myself, I am going to relax, I am going to forget about the future and the failure, because I’m not even going to try accomplishing things.
This is the best, and even though I recognize it as the best, it still feels like I am settling to be a loser. Nobody is telling me that. I am.