Giving up

A while ago, someone wrote this in a comment at Alabaster’s blog.

“if the long term looks bleak, don’t look past your nose.”

Right now, it’s the only thing I’m holding on to. I have lost much of my self efficacy. This is, I am currently thinking I’m not capable of accomplishing anything, and I will not accomplish anything, because I just don’t have the energy. I recognize this as result of depression, but as always, it’s so deeply infiltrated in my control tower, that reality blends in with delusion and I see through this stained glass with no way to tell shapes apart. It’s just some vortex of unintelligible noise and darkness.

What happened 10 days ago has much to do with these feelings. Normally, if I’m afraid to do something, it only takes me jumping into it, and the fear dissipates as I realize I’m able to handle it. Thought the events in the last year, that included me starting my internship, made me fall into a spiral of jumping in and failing. Next time it’s even more scary because you know you have risked it and it hasn’t worked. Nevertheless, I tried again while feeling I couldn’t handle it, and when I was immersed to the neck, I realized again that I was going to drown, and I did. And I think I tried and failed so many times during the last year, that I learned it wasn’t going to take me anywhere. However, 10 days ago I made myself do it again, and guess what? I failed. I am terrified. I can’t see past my nose because all I see is the vortex.

Based on this I made the decision of taking it slow. STOP trying to go back into the internship, STOP trying to figure out my future. I am not going to look past my nose, instead I am going to take care of myself, I am going to relax, I am going to forget about the future and the failure, because I’m not even going to try accomplishing things.

This is the best, and even though I recognize it as the best, it still feels like I am settling to be a loser. Nobody is telling me that. I am.

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “Giving up

  1. *hugs* you know i love you even if you’re the biggest failure in the world, right? not that you are (though i suspect you feel so!).

  2. I’m with Sulz.

    And not only that. But I don’t think going slow is anything like failing. I’m really lucky in that unlike so many people, my mum’s never put any pressure on me to rush into success and push a career or anything like that.

    She always tells me that I’ve got plenty of time, try things, see what works, and see what happens. There really is no need to rush. We’re young, there’s loads of time, and life is making mistakes and changing direction. That’s how she (eventually) got into what she wanted to do after years and years of trying things out.

    If you can’t do it now, maybe you can at some point. If not, maybe you’re supposed to be doing something else. But there’s no point in thinking about that now. Just deal with your self (and your nose). My housemate, and dear friend (Fanny, occasionally Flying Rowan) has been unwell for a long time. Some kind of chronic fatigue thing, that leads to a natural feeling of depression and uselessness. It doesn’t suit her and it frustrates her, but she’s got no hope of going forward unless she takes things slowly and builds her self up before she does anything else.

    There’s no point in rushing. There really is loads of time. Staying still isn’t losing, it’s just making sure you do things right.

    In Tai Chi, one of the reasons you go through the movements so slowly is so that you’ve got the time to notice, observe and realise every motion in as much detail as possible. The slower you go, the more mistakes and corrections you can make. The more detail you notice. The more practice you’re getting.

    My teacher adds to that the idea that because you’re doing it so slowly, you start slowing down your perception of time. Giving you more of it and so speeding up your reactions and ability to notice things even at full speed.

    Kinda unrelated? Maybe, but I don’t think so.

    It’s totally possible to just float around and survive. Sometimes you’ll find yourself scaling heights without realising it (I’m still not sure how a series of jobs I’ve been getting to pass the time until I figure out what I want to do with my life has turned into a management position in a decent organisation….nto that it’s where I want to be, but what the hell, it’s something….for now).

    You’re smart enough, that you’ll be fine, and you’ll find something that gives you what you need and fulfills you.

    But now’s no time to think about that. Regroup and take things slowly. Learn as much as you can from everything, but if you need to stay behind your nose. Do it.

    Cause sometimes, nothing else matters.

  3. hey don’t ever get bogged down by failures! they are stepping stones of future success. just imagine would you ever be able to enjoy success without a failure. success would lose its importance in our life if failure doesn’t co-exist. right? so just wipe your head off all the negative thoughts and cheer up. there is more to life than this.

    i had a similar experience of continous failures when i was trying to clear th entrance exam to get into medical college. i wanted to be a doctor. but as the fate had its way for me, i lost the count of my failures. I gave every possible exam but simply failed to clear any. it was such a depressing phase. later on i took up a course in graphic designing. and to my surprise i realised that’s the true call for me. i would have surely hated to be a doctor and any day traded it for a profession in designing. and today i can gladly say that i failed else i wud have never been able to realise my true interest.

  4. Sulz,*hugs back* Thank you.

    Alex:

    My parents never put me under any evident pressure; I think it’s because of my age advantage. But they still constantly worry about how I can’t put myself together lately, and about my vocational doubts. They do it because they’re concerned, that’s all. I don’t know what I’d do if they weren’t supportive. Although occasionally my mom has called me a leech, most of the times I feel I can rely on them. Most of the pressure is self-imposed.

    I’d love to be able to work on something I love, but sometimes it looks like a utopia. I think it’s nice that your mom found her way in life after trying out so many things. You have a good example there. 🙂

    I had been wondering why Tai Chi was so slow but never got into googling it. I suppose I suspected it. It sure would be a challenge for me given my lack of patience and my short attention span.

    Thank you for your comment, it is much appreciated. *hugs*

    Willow:

    That story was pretty inspiring. I have detected my lack of passion for medicine for a while now. I guess deep down I wish I had failed before, then I would have been forced to find something else, but I never did. I was really good at it actually. Only the internship stopped me, where I was supposed to put my knowledge into real practice and I found out I was not really interested. And if depression makes it hard for me to do things that I love, it makes it impossible to do things that I despise.

    Thanks for your comment.

  5. I am/was the same for attention span. It increases it muchly. Makes me much better able to control my ability to focus. HAving said that one of my weaknesses is my tendency to monkey mind (wandering attention…ever since an early discussion with my teacher I’ve visualised it as trying to get an impatient restless monkey to sit in the lotus position in the middle of dantien (below and behind the navel, it’s a kind of centre point in the body, and where you want your attention to be…it’s also where all the movement should be generated from…or something) whenever I’m meditating or practicing, the important thing is to notice when the monkey/mind has started to wander off, then you calmly take it by the hand and sit it back down again. Even just practiticing that is helpful. It’s all about being mindful. Notice when your mind wanders, and return it to thoughtfullness).

    That was a long parenthetical.

    Anyway, I do think you could get a lot out of tai chi or something similar, if you can find a good teacher (my advice is to look for someone who sees it as a martial art, and a meditative practice, and a form of medicinal/well being maintenance, all three branches, not just one. It is all those things, and a lot more). Don’t think you can’t do it because you lack focus or whatever…just try it, if you persevere, then you’ll gain the focus you need to get better. I’ve been doing it nigh on two years now, and I still feel nowhere near adequate. It’s slow, and like I say, it’s good to take things slowly.

    Having said that, now probably ain’t the time to take on new things, so probably ignore me. As always.

    Oh, and I wasn’t implying you had pushy parents, I was just passing on my mum’s advice, because she’s right. I’m glad you don’t have pushiness from there, it’s hell for the people who have that, from what I’ve seen.

    Ramble, bramble, amble.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s