I didn’t show up at work today.
This oportunity presented as a big, gorgeous door. I know if I just had the courage to cross it, beautiful things would await me on the other side. Big, exciting, amazing things.
But I just sat there when it opened, and let it shut right on my nose.
“It’s too soon”, I tell myself, because ever since they told me I should start on Tuesday I thought it was too soon blue, but I tried to do it (or did I?). I took a trip to clear my mind (it was a momentary distraction, but I’m back).
But the “it’s too soon” is not convincing me. The predominant feeling is “I’m stupid and weak, unworthy of anything that makes my life better” etc, etc. Which is also extremely boring, because I’ve been in this very place a hundred times, and it’s always boring, and hard to explain, and if I were any other person, I would seriously think “What the fuck is wrong with you? It’s so easy.”
I can’t seem to control my own mind. If I want to wake up and go to work because I reason that is the best thing to do, my mind does otherwise. I am smart enough to reason, but I have no control over my mind. My mind will just do whatever, and I have no other mechanisms, cause like, the mind is all. I need a higher control center that makes me do stuff using my reasoning abilities.
I need a new brain.