Here I go again?

I didn’t show up at work today.

This oportunity presented as a big, gorgeous door. I know if I just had the courage to cross it, beautiful things would await me on the other side. Big, exciting, amazing things.

But I just sat there when it opened, and let it shut right on my nose.

“It’s too soon”, I tell myself, because ever since they told me I should start on Tuesday I thought it was too soon blue, but I tried to do it (or did I?). I took a trip to clear my mind (it was a momentary distraction, but I’m back).

But the “it’s too soon” is not convincing me. The predominant feeling is “I’m stupid and weak, unworthy of anything that makes my life better” etc, etc. Which is also extremely boring, because I’ve been in this very place a hundred times, and it’s always boring, and hard to explain, and if I were any other person, I would seriously think “What the fuck is wrong with you? It’s so easy.”

I can’t seem to control my own mind. If I want to wake up and go to work because I reason that is the best thing to do, my mind does otherwise. I am smart enough to reason, but I have no control over my mind. My mind will just do whatever, and I have no other mechanisms, cause like, the mind is all. I need a higher control center that makes me do stuff using my reasoning abilities.

I need a new brain.

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3 thoughts on “Here I go again?

  1. I’m new to reading your blog, but it’s so comforting to know that there are others out there that have exactly the same problem, the very same battle with the mind every bloody day. The going around in circles all the time, wanting to do one thing so badly to change your life but, you’re not ready to, you just can’t, your mind wont let you no matter how optimistic, or happy you are the night before, no matter how easy it is to step through that door – no one understands that it just isn’t that simple, not even myself. When this happens to me, when I “fail”, I have to sleep too, to ease my pain, anger and frustration. It doesn’t solve any problems but it seems like the only way to escape the pain, and set oneself free from the mind. I’m still trying to figure out why I do this, why this problem exists and obviously how to set myself free. It’s really helped reading your blog, thank you 🙂

  2. Thank you for commenting Meryine, it’s always good to be reminded that maybe there’s really nothing horribly wrong that only you have. There is something horribly wrong, but the group of sufferers is big, the symptoms are more common than you’d think, and it’s not necesarily part of your personality.

    It’s just a fucking annoying brain glitch.

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