Haven’t been here in a long while.
I was just reminded by two people that I have been neglecting my blog. I talk to some of my blog readers on MSN, and sometimes email, and sometimes facebook. My blog is not annonymous, so if I dissapear from here, many people still know where I am and that I’m alive at least.
I wonder though, how would you know if a blogger friend is okay if they stop posting, and you have no other ways to check on them? How long would it take for people to notice, and what would their reactions be? Will the blog just be left behind because of lack of activity even if the person dies and nobody knows it? Nothing much to do about it huh?
The thing with the internet, is that you might be linked to a person only by a nickname. If that dissapears, so is the person. There’s no traces, no neighboors to ask, no family to contact.
I’m fine, just not exactly inspired, and lots of things are going on in my head. I have quit school for the third time because of depression, but the Uni staff has been extremelly helpful and understanding, and have offered me options to finish the internship in two months.
The thing is that I would have to start on Tuesday. I don’t feel like I’m ready to work yet, but it seems to be my only option for now. This is still a race, and if I retreat, well, nothing will happen. The other people would finish the race, and I would be sitting on a rock somewhere, very tired. I am currently sitting on a rock.
When I was a kid, and we ran races in PE class, I used to do good most of the times, but whenever I realized I wouldn’t win, or even remotely get into the first few, it felt stupid to continue and I would turn around and run in the opposite direction, just to have fun running but outside the race. If I was tired, then I’d just sit on a rock until the teacher yelled.
I was not the kind of kid who wanted to finish it no matter what. It’s all or nothing. Either I do something perfect or I quit. As I grew, I had to get used to stick with things instead of quitting… but I’m still not comfortable doing this. I feel mediocre. However, on occasions I’ve been able to fix things that have broken or potentials that have lost its shine, although my natural behaviour would be getting rid of all that and getting a new thing instead.
Can’t replace life if you don’t like it I guess… all you can do is attempt to fix it. I am trying hard to convince myself that this wouldn’t be settling for the mediocre, but persisting until I get what I want from it. But I still feel mediocre.
But then again, only potentials are perfect. What something could be is always idealized. What could have been is even more.
Well, enough rambling. Things aren’t bad, I’m feeling much better actually, just stressed out because of work confussion. For now, I’m caught in a book. I’m currently reading Memoirs of a Geisha, it’s been a while since I had a new book, so I’m devouring it. It’s very good too. I got it 2 days ago and I plan to finish it today. It has made me very sad, seeing all the things the character had to go through, but it’s so interesting I keep on reading it. I cried at some point. I love it when books, films or music cause strong reactions on me. It doens’t happen often.
I have also been invited to a little town for the weekend, to visit a friend. I think a change in environment could help me clear my mind about the current confusion. It’s always nice to be out there away from the routine that gets awful after a while.
Have a nice weekend people. See ya soon.