Hello again, two posts on the same day WEEEE!!!!
Well, I wasn’t able to stay that long in the library this morning. There was too much demand, and not so many computers, so I got kicked out after one hour. I went down and realized there was this chocolate fountain and a fruit stick you could dip in the chocolate and eat it for a very small price! So I did that, and meanwhile I just kept staring at the fountain… melted chocolate is so beautiful. I am aware it was a little strange for people watching me stare at the fountain, and more since I didn’t wanted to talk at all, and later I just sat as far as possible with my precious fruit stick covered in chocolate. Despite knowing I would look weird, I stayed out 1) because I can’t go home and be the same as weird because it would worry my family. 2) because being out, even if you don’t want to, is a good thing… and more because I didn’t have to talk with anyone. So I just relaxed, ate my chocolate thing, and later drank lots of coke, while having the the chance of going on and on about my idea of being a dead person, who wasn’t really dead (undead… boo). It felt like vacations, not being in charge of a heavy life anymore, and theoretically being able to strip down and run around the world chopping people’s heads off their bodies or something like that. Luckily it stayed in my imagination. It wouldn’t have been any different.
I bought a pink notebook with a girl with a pastel color dress (the only one available), and took my black marker and turned her into an evil creature of doom. That’s all the destruction I seem to be capable of… so, no chopped heads. I am a boring evil person it seems. All I do is turning imaginary girls into evil creatures and dream about destruction of stuffed animals and invisible people in my head. I also wrote lots of shit in the notebook, something about me “Not existing, but still thinking” and about Descartes being really dumb.
I am feeling much more sane, not less depressed though. I need to fix things, but I won’t for now. I am still “undead”, and will stay like this for a while. I figure worrying right now about the things I’m currently risking will be counterproductive. I figure it won’t hurt to act immaturely for a while longer, now that I know how harmless it can be.
I am still avoiding my intern mates, as this morning I bumped into one of them, who, knowing I have been missing work just attempted to say with a bored look: “oh, you’re dropping out again, right?”. I wanted to apply my imaginary destruction powers on her, but instead I just glared at her for a second and went away. Just because in the tornado of my depression I think I am not going to graduate and not acomplish anything else and die alone inside some sewer, it doesn’t give the right for people to just assume I will. At least it was better than conforting words, so I’ll give her that much credit.
I had lots of dreams last night, full color and all, like always. In one of them, the world was ending, and bright stuff (missiles? meteorocks?) were falling to earth destroying everything. When everythign was destroyed, people were still alive to notice that in the brilliant ball of destruction there was something written. Then I said “that’s stupid, it’s like someone had typed something on a meteor. Impossible, it sounds like a dream of mine”. The last time I recognized I was in a dream, I was being chased by a creature who was one of my friends/an evil clown, and after I realized it wasn’t real, I ignored him and went away floating, in a very fun lucid dream, where I did all kinds of things with my full control. This time though, I did wake up, but instead of having control, I think I just entered a different dream, where I had the strongest craving for coke ever, and I kept going to stores and drinking entire bottles, while talking about the strange dream I had about words typed on a meteor. Then somebody said “but there WAS a meteor, and words were indeed typed on it”, and I answered… “OMG, so it wasn’t a dream after all, the world really DID end.”
And then I remember no more.