Hello again, two posts on the same day WEEEE!!!!

Well, I wasn’t able to stay that long in the library this morning.  There was too much demand, and not so many computers, so I got kicked out after one hour.  I went down and realized there was this chocolate fountain and a fruit stick you could dip in the chocolate and eat it for a very small price! So I did that, and meanwhile I just kept staring at the fountain… melted chocolate is so beautiful.  I am aware it was a little strange for people watching me stare at the fountain, and more since I didn’t wanted to talk at all, and later I just sat as far as possible with my precious fruit stick covered in chocolate.   Despite knowing I would look weird, I stayed out 1) because I can’t go home and be the same as weird because it would worry my family.  2) because being out, even if you don’t want to, is a good thing… and more because I didn’t have to talk with anyone.  So I just relaxed, ate my chocolate thing, and later drank lots of coke, while having the the chance of going on and on about my idea of being a dead person, who wasn’t really dead (undead… boo).  It felt like vacations, not being in charge of a heavy life anymore, and theoretically being able to strip down and run around the world chopping people’s heads off their bodies or something like that.  Luckily it stayed in my imagination.  It wouldn’t have been any different.

I bought a pink notebook with a girl with a pastel color dress (the only one available), and took my black marker and turned her into an evil creature of doom.  That’s all the destruction I seem to be capable of… so, no chopped heads.  I am a boring evil person it seems.   All I do is turning imaginary girls into evil creatures and dream about destruction of stuffed animals and invisible people in my head.   I also wrote lots of shit in the notebook, something about me “Not existing, but still thinking” and about Descartes being really dumb.

I am feeling much more sane, not less depressed though.   I need to fix things, but I won’t for now.  I am still “undead”, and will stay like this for a while.  I figure worrying right now about the things I’m currently risking will be counterproductive.   I figure it won’t hurt to act immaturely for a while longer, now that I know how harmless it can be.

I am still avoiding my intern mates, as this morning I bumped into one of them, who, knowing I have been missing work just attempted to say with a bored look: “oh, you’re dropping out again, right?”.   I wanted to apply my imaginary destruction powers on her, but instead I just glared at her for a second and went away.  Just because in the tornado of my depression I think I am not going to graduate and not acomplish anything else and die alone inside some sewer, it doesn’t give the right for people to just assume I will.   At least it was better than conforting words, so I’ll give her that much credit.

I had lots of dreams last night, full color and all, like always.  In one of them, the world was ending, and bright stuff (missiles? meteorocks?) were falling to earth destroying everything.  When everythign was destroyed, people were still alive to notice that in the brilliant ball of destruction there was something written.   Then I said “that’s stupid, it’s like someone had typed something on a meteor.  Impossible, it sounds like a dream of mine”.    The last time I recognized I was in a dream, I was being chased by a creature who was one of my friends/an evil clown, and after I realized it wasn’t real, I ignored him and went away floating, in a very fun lucid dream, where I did all kinds of things with my full control.   This time though, I did wake up, but instead of having control, I think I just entered a different dream, where I had the strongest craving for coke ever, and I kept going to stores and drinking entire bottles, while talking about the strange dream I had about words typed on a meteor.  Then somebody said “but there WAS a meteor, and words were indeed typed on it”, and I answered… “OMG, so it wasn’t a dream after all, the world really DID end.”

And then I remember no more.


8 thoughts on “Undead

  1. Sounds like a fairly enjoyable way to spend your depression.

    Well, not really, but at least you did lots of stuff (or had lots of thoughts).

    I also like those dreams where you wake up into another dream and it all becomes self referential and obtuse. I’ve had a couple like that. It’s always a weird experience when you do wake up, because you can’t quite filter which bits were real and which were dream, and which is now. Either way, it’s interesting to be unbalanced like that some times.

    And Descartes was an idiot. He managed to entirely deconstruct the nature of reality down to nothing but an illusion percieved by a mind, and then decided that God must exist because (and I’m paraphrasing here) ‘God is really cool and I want him to exist because it will make me feel warm and cosy at night when I’m thinking’.


    I also like this line:
    ‘Just because in the tornado of my depression I think I am not going to graduate and not acomplish anything else and die alone inside some sewer, it doesn’t give the right for people to just assume I will. ‘

    Because I like the defiance, and the melancholy. And it’s kinda how I feel at the moment. Only without the defiance. (Well, I muster some defiance for myself every couple of hours and manage to put on a smile, but I’m still avoiding starting life again…for example…I’m now late for work and haven’t had breakfast….this is all becoming too familiar and well trodden…it’s been a while since I’ve felt like this, and I forget how to kick myself).

    Blah, blah, blah.

    This probably isn’t helping anyone. Hope your fruit gets covered in chocolate more often.

    That’s not meant to sound rude (it probably doesn’t…but now I’ve made it feel that way…oops).

  2. “Hope your fruit gets covered in chocolate more often.”


    That sounded so dirty in my mind…


    Oh, I need to get out.

    I don’t need a comment that helps me, I like talking about it, and your comment was well welcomed. And funny. lol

    I looove my dreams, everything is upside down in them, physic laws don’t exists… coolness, and I can remember much if not all of it. 🙂

    Well, actually Descartes impression of god sounds more sane than that of most people. He accepts he believes in a god because it makes him feel good… his conclusion that “then he must exist” ruins the whole thing, but still.

    Ah had a good laugh there. Thank you. 😛

  3. and theoretically being able to strip down and run around the world chopping people’s heads off their bodies or something like that.

    is this you?

    Descartes being really dumb

    Ha, had to read this for philosophy class many years ago. I seem to remember every other sentence starting “Unless the Devil deceives me.”

    Alabaster Crippens,

    God must exist because (and I’m paraphrasing here) ‘God is really cool and I want him to exist because it will make me feel warm and cosy at night when I’m thinking’.

    I think that’s the best reason for God to exist – because he helps you and makes your life better. Empirical reasoning for sure but the only kind you can prove! (Btw, I’m an atheist … but I feel it’s my loss.)

    this morning I bumped into one of them, who, knowing I have been missing work just attempted to say with a bored look: “oh, you’re dropping out again, right?”.

    What a BITCH!

  4. HA.

    FYI, head crusher is SO much cooler than face pincher!

    Well, I don’t have any personal thing against descartes. But it’s been a while… I have the book on my bedsit waiting to be read again.

    (Btw, I’m an atheist … but I feel it’s my loss.)

    I am an atheist, but I’ve never felt it as a loss… I was raised as a catholic, and had a first communion and all the fuss. I remember being an atheist around the age of 12…. after a long process. The fact that I got out of a religion is one of the things that makes me the most proud about myself. I love being an atheist.

    My mom occassionally tells me that I have depression because I am an atheist and have no one to turn to in times of need. She is also an atheist, but she also feels it’s her loss. This makes me sad.

    I need to make a topic about why it is much better to be an atheist. I think I don’t have the first post about atheism here actually…


  5. My mother told me thirty years ago when my neck and head pain started that it was because I had become an atheist. Now that it is permanent and debilitating [secondary stenosis of the spinal canal from arthritis] and I do believe she has nothing to say about it.

    Pain I have found to be a curse and a blessing…it has taught me a lot

    To take things one day at a time
    To know my limitations
    To see what is important in life
    To see what I am made of

    Seems to me like your dreams are a positive….are they related to the drugs you must take or have you always been a vivid dreamer?

    Also your sense of humour is a positive…wicked though it may be and I too found the fruit covered in chocolate to be funny.

  6. Thank you for commenting.

    You know, all this time I’ve read your name as “Magic Quitter” without giving it too much thought. Now that I get it right it makes so much more sense… *slaps forehead*

    I suppose that for some religious people, anything bad that happens to us can be interpreted either as a punishment because we’ve done something “bad”, or as a test in which we’re supposed to prove ourselves worthy.

    In the meanwhile your spine was literaly strangling your poor medulla.

    It is always good to have some possitive things on your side, things that make sense and help you get through the day. I don’t know if I could endure something like what you have, but I still use things like humor and crushing people’s heads on the streets…

    Well, I think it’s mainly about bad jokes, but it doesn’t sound so pretty when you put it like that.

    I think it is important to take things one day at a time. When you try to see the big picture, it might be counterproductive, it might be too overwhelming to be useful. I think I share that one with you.

    The other ones… I think I don’t have enough knowledge of myself and the world yet. Maybe someday.

    Hey and I always dream quite vividly, since I can remember. I used to think it was normal, then I read stuff about people dreaming in black and white and bits and pieces and not remembering their dreams and I was really surprised. I dropped my jaw when I was little and told one of my playmates about one dream I had, and he replied “Uh, I don’t dream.”.

    Not only surprising, but sad too. Maybe one of the reasons I naturally like to sleep, is because it’s like going to watch a movie. And nobody bothers you with their commenting.

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