Well, tomorrow it’s Friday and I have to work. It promises to be very easy though, so for the most part stress is ruled out. Boredom is not, but most things have fell on that category lately so I’m used to it. I’m using coke as motivator. I’ll take my bike out so I can do some excercise. Around 9 am I’ll be able to get a 5 minute break to go to the corner store and get a freezing coke and eat a snack. I’ll be back home around 4 pm to take care of my baby.
I’ve set these “hooks” that can get me through the day. I can’t keep on missing work any longer. At this pace I will never graduate. I care nothing about working or learning now, but I care about my freezing coke, the fun bike ride and the pup. The superfluous motivators… will have to serve a higher purpose: To get me out of the house.
Today I did visit my grandmother though, I love going there. I lived around 5 years there since I was born, every sound and smell reminds of nice childhood things, so it was good. Nothing has changed in that house. It’s the same house, the same grandmother, the same plants. It’s a frozen piece of living memory. Everything seems happy there.
I still have a rant though. It’s not that I don’t love anything about that place, but my family always seems to find their way back to talking about the same things. I have several cousins, like over 15 cousins of all ages. But most of them don’t matter, because the family has three stars: three cousins of the same aunt, now 28, 26 and 21; bright as no one, perfect in every sense, went to private schools and always excelled, currently all abroad with extremely impresive resumes and lots of money.
I believe this is a very immature rant of me, but I think it anyways: “yeah, I get it, they’re perrrfect, you don’t need to bring it up EVERYTIME!” Jealousy for success… the family jewels… it makes me feel like nothing I’ve done is good enough. It’s not a big deal, it’s understanding to feel this way about them, but still ashamed of it because for real is not justified. I feel like a 4 year old when thinking these thoughts.
But I can deal with myself thinking that… okay, but it is much worse to hear your own parents saying things like “I wish I had raised my kids more like she (my aunt) did”. It turns my brain from thinking “I feel like a failure in comparison, but I understand is a silly thing to think” to “Wow, my parents themselves think I should be more like them… we’re not good enough.”
Besides my multiple tripping along med school compared to their awarded excellency through college and grad school in physics, engineering and politics, one of the recurrent comparisons seem to be that of discipline and obedience. My aunt and uncle in law are very though, apparently they always pushed their kids extremely hard, never indulged, their home had strict rules from eating and sleeping schedules to grades and behaviour. My cousins always were cordial, likeable, never in trouble, obeyed their parents and elders… man, the dream come true for any parent! (I say “were” because I don’t see them since I was probably… 10 years old. All I have are stories… more than I care to know). My mom always struggled with me. Although I was always a “brilliant kid”, and always did well in school (before uni started), I have never been obedient; instead, since the womb, I didn’t clean when asked to, didn’t say formalities if I didn’t wanted to, I never went to bed at any imposed schedules, I never brushed my teeth when they told me to, sometimes went by the day without taking a shower… I rolled around the floor and climbed up trees and rode my bike to dangerous places. My parents always yelled a bit, but to be honest they never really showed that much anger at my behaviour. Or they did but never stopped me.
Today my mom said one thing that got me pretty upset. She said she’s to blame for being so nice to me all along, for letting me stay on her bed when I was little, for telling me so many stories, for never punishing me when I was “bad”, and indulging so much, that now I’m a such a weak excuse of a person.
I’m upset, but I’m not alluded. Well not really… I AM alluded, after all it’s my mom saying this, but I am more upset than that. She has this habit of letting her anger and frustration go in any way… like a tornado. She could say the worst things to you in the worst situation, and later reflect on it and realize she was wrong… but the damage is done. It’s not too cool to feel shitty, bored, not caring about getting up, or eating or showering… and hear this from your own mom confirming your fears and frustrations.
I resent my cousins, but I know it’s not fair because I don’t know them. This is a combination of idolization from my family, and my own frustration.
It is not the worst day of all by a long shot. I currently have friends who are going through real and tangible hard times, while NOTHING bad is happening to me, and it’s awful to still feel like this. I feel in responsibility of transfering my problem-free life to someone who really can take advantage of it.
I know I have good things, I know I’ve done a lot, and will do more. I guess it’s part of being in the depression limbo… it’s been a long time since I feel I’m about to get better, but nothing gets better, and nothing gets worse… so I’m just in a boring place.
Just to balance this entry, I am mentioning a few things that are making me smile today:
– My baby. Who is not allowing me to sleep at nights but I couldn’t care less.
– New music to look up and keep me entertained for weeks thanks to Seaneen and her radio program. 🙂
– Qu ni sheng er kual le! LMAO! You tube is better than ever now that this is up! (you know who you are)