This WEEK was…
Definitely a bad week. I am now re-reading my last few posts and picking up the slow ride down until I was… well, very depressed. At first I mentioned I was okay, a couple of days later I noticed I was feeling like crap… with the relief that it was not mood related (which wasn’t at first). Finally, rather unexpectedly, I just crashed down like I didn’t in (what seems) a long time ago.
(just to be clearer in case you don’t know, I suffer from Depression since I was 16 and have had two unsucessful medical treatments. Currently in my 6th month of Zoloft 200mg a day, which seems to be working…)
Many times I’ve had depression relapses totally unrelated to external occurences, but I believe It was my fault this time. I haven’t been taking my meds as I should. For over a month… maybe two, I was floating on my cloud of being okay and not really dependent of any exogenous substance, and, after having trouble to set up my pdoc appointment, I realised my current prescription wasn’t going to last until then, so I “adjusted” the dose so it would last… I tried to do adjust it slowly so it wouldn’t disturb the pharmacodynamics that much… (bwahaha I’m a doctor… idiot one… sometimes).
There’s no blood test, no monitor for depression. So, I’m not going to discuss whether I really was depressed or just had a “normal” bad week, like some people along the way have assumed. It’s just not worth spending my energy on that now. Lets put it this way: it’s very likely that lowering the dose of antidepressant DID send me to hell. It means that after two sets of unsucessful treatments, this is the medication that is finally working for me, and then I just play around tempting the devil out of his cave.
(the devil is just so fun to poke…)
This week, was a really bad week. I didn’t do ANYTHING whatsoever. I stopped showing up at work… I really just coudln’t bother going there and dealing with people; the job itself is extremelly easy these days, but there’s PEOPLE (LOTS Of THEM, HOSPITAL?) and that’s what makes it a huge mountain I didn’t feel like climbing. I stopped working on my assignments, resumes and a bunch of things I need to finish ASAP. I slept about 14 hours a day, everyday (no sleeping medication provided).
I basically divided my awake time into:
- Watching up to 7 hours of tv at the time.
- Staying online for entire hours doing nothing, reading headings and then switching to others, logging into the IM service thinking I want to talk to distract myself, saying “hi” to people who pop up, immediately feel the urge of NOT talking to people anymore, and saying “goodbye” to them or else pick up a fight about something disproportionally offensive. I added at least 30 pages in my bookmarks because I found so many things that I considered interesting, but I couldn’t digest at the moment. Opening my inbox and closing it, writing, not writing. Suddenly feeling really annoyed at the computer and shutting it off and going back to sleep.
- I showered a couple of times in the whole week. I didn’t go out if not to buy 1 lt and 1/4 of coke for myself and ocassionally, family. All that time, and I barely forced myself to go back into my regular zolof schedule without really wanting to.
The only thing that set off my internal alarm was:
I stopped EATING… and finally it seemed like I wanted to stay on bed eternally.
In my world, not EATING that means THE END! My family knows it, so they started getting preocupied, which I responded to with an annoyed face and trying to tell them it was all fine, that I was just sick. But the flu is known for taking my appetite for one day and a half or so and it’s only when I’m shaking on 40 ºC fever.
It was a BAD week.
Nothing bad really happened, but you see, it did. I got depressed in a typical chemical way. Very depressed. Apparently when depressed people are already on treatment and the meds blood levels go down for some reason (like stupidity), the physical symptoms are more prominent and classical. Or so I read… in what it seems a long while ago.
It was a BAD week.
Am I talking in past tense? Maybe.
One day left to rest and the action resumes on Monday. The fact that I’m actually looking forward to it makes me feel I’m myself again…
What made me Smile today:
1) A phone call from a friend -even though I despise the phone
2) My Dog Zeus had 10 puppies! (Well, his wife did). Pictures to come. (In fact, they were born 5 days ago, but it was only today that I really got to spend time with them and take them pictures. That’s why it caused another smile TODAY.