I just changed my facebook status to: Nessa is hyper, inspired, loving and happy.Yes, I’m guilty, I am a facebook whore. But that’s not the point.
This is a rare thing. I am currently euthymic leading towards slight exaltation without crossing the pathological line. Wish I could say I have no depression anymore, but I’ve learned not to put my hopes up and just enjoy the moment. And the pills I take every night also remind me of it all and keep me grounded. I’m not really complaining, I’m alright with it.
In the last few days I’ve been thinking about a lot of things, some of the most interesting inspired by discussions with one of my fellow bloggers Satoruvash (S). Contrarily to what would usually happen, I didn’t drive myself so insane this time. I stated somewhere that sometimes my mind frustrates me as much as trying to hold 2 million M&Ms with my hands. I just can’t manage, the candy keeps on spilling. This still happens. But I’m learning to juggle them. Or trying to.
One of the things that stuck from the discussions with S is that of the privilege of information. S believes that personal information is to be treated as a valuable asset that you only should share when others prove to be deserving of it. And most people don’t. While I think this makes sense, and the principle of sharing your most valuable assets with the most valuable people in your life is the logical thing to do, I find myself not caring much about my own information. Look at this blog: I have been blabbing about self-obsessed-nonsense for over a year. I might not paste posters of my blog url in the walls, but you can search for my screename in Google and you’ll get here; you can tell what my screename is because it’s my public email address that everyone I know has. And I have this WP application in my facebook too.
Besides, anyone can ask me any personal question and I’ll most likely answer. “It’s not of your business” it’s a sentence I don’t think I’ve used.
For some reason, it doesn’t really scare me. I feel safe that what I write here will never play against me. I don’t know how much of that can turn out to be true, but I feel it nonetheless. Naiveté? Maybe.
HOWEVER, I don’t believe I’m disregarding my info as being worthless because I put it out there to the world to see. I really don’t, and I’ve yet to figure out why. I believe that despite everyone having access to the inside of my brain, I still have a lot that only people I love will ever get, and it’s not information. I don’t know what it is, I’ll think about it and maybe make another entry later.
But, am I really that open? Yesterday I had doubts.
I discovered I have some secrets!
I noticed some of the things that I do that I have probably not told people.
Not really. I realized that more than trying to hide something, the things I omit are usually those things about myself that I haven’t truly figured out yet. Can’t communicate what I don’t know exists.
I TRY though. That’s when you get the abstract yada yada that make you go “wtf”.
But my intentions are never about hiding. I think this is “my thing”, and probably the reason I have this blog after all, I write about lots of abstract, personal, confusing and boring bullshit in here. 50% is about taking it out of my head and into words for myself to figure out and have a better perspective of the insanity that floats inside. But 50% is about letting it out there.
I have no secrets, I have no mistery. Anything you want to know, you can.
I’m opening this to discussion because I want to hear other ideas.
How reserved are you? How open are you? Why do you think this happens? Do you think it is really possible to be an “open book”?