Rut and Incoherent Reflections

Going back to the routine.

Seems like a stressing time for all of us.  Or at least it is for my family.  Mom and her very unstable moods and mind that switch every half an hour, and have gotten worse since she was sent to the country area, and stayed there despide many attempts for relocation.   My dad’s usual bright mood seems to have faded and replaced with the family brand.   Went from loving his job to find it unbearable.  Maybe it’s the eternal race of working at your most, and thinking things are going to get better because of your effort.  But they just stay the same.

Can’t say it’s unfair. It’s just life, isn’t it?

Except… just because it’s life doesn’t mean I can’t complain about it.

It’s also life to feel the bad things, cry and then get up… or not.

Have you been in the situation where you don’t know what you’re really thinking? I get this a lot, especially when I have to consider alternative points of view.  My mind opens so much it loses any perspective and soon all I can see is pieces of nonsense floating on space.  The relativity weights so much, there’s no up and down anymore, no big and small, no right and no wrong.  Nothing is real.  And since nothing is real nothing matters.

In my mind, life is a game, where everyone is so immersed in it to notice it’s only a game.  They think it’s real.  Ha.  From time to time I accidentaly snap out of it, and see everything from the outside, realizing with wonder that everything is only a stupid game.  Feeling like an idiot, with relief and shame at the same time, like when you wake up screaming from a nightmare.

Then I turn away from the whole thing, wishful to find a “real life” to go to.

But there’s nothing out there.  There’s no “real life” to go back to.

I can only lower my head and immerse myself back into the illusion it until it feels real again.


One thought on “Rut and Incoherent Reflections

  1. I don’t know what I’m really thinking or really feeling when I hit apathy in the depression cycle. Everything is “blah” at that time. As for discerning what’s real and what’s illusion, my rule of thumb is—if it’s hurts, that’s the reality.

    You don’t have to stay in your current life, you know. In the future, you can always move. You don’t have to be your parents 20 years from now, still stuck in the same thing. There is hope. You can be elsewhere. If you can’t break the illusion, make your own illusion, one with your rules.

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