It’s not a crossroad, it’s a spider web.

So, it’s January 11. Only a few days and I’ll be back to my internship. I considered the options, over and over, and I realized that even if I decide later that I don’t want to be a doctor, I need to at least finish this cycle. Graduate. The way looks a lot more confusing if I don’t.
So maybe the last 6 years I’ve wasted haven’t been in vain.
I’ve avoided writing a letter to the chief of internship explaining all this, and the whatabouts of my return, because I was secretly hoping something would come up that would finally convince me that I don’t need this. That I can go somewhere else.
But I didn’t find anything, nor I made an effort to find anything. Is there even anything? What am I looking for?

On the other side, my depression seems to have subsided, for now.

Will the effect survive me going back into stressful situations? I need to be prepared for serious lows that are expected, and keep trying.  Right this moment I feel my strengt back.  My moods are stable, my head is clear.  I’m wonder woman again.

I’ve been given three options for my last semester of General Medicine and Surgery.

1) Normal Schedule: Start February 1st. Finish July 30. PRO: Two of the Three rotations I have left have more flexible schedules, and you even get some weekends off. It wouldn’t be as stressing as the 6 months I did at the beggining. CON: I would graduate 2 months after my classmates.

2) Fast Mode: Start February 1st. Finish May 30. PRO: I’d graduate with my classmates, and the torture of the internship would be over SOONER. CON: I would have to work twice as hard. I would not get weekends or days off, I would not get flexible schedules.

3) Away from Home: I also have the option of doing the rest of my internship in another city. PRO: Nobody who knows me and all what’s happened. New Enviroment, New people, New mates, New teachers. Awesomeness. CON: I would live in a small rented room with no mod coms. No family.

My first choice, number three. I actually want to experience living outside my parents shelter. But I have to automatically cancel it. My family is going through some money issues lately. I don’t think I will add to that with another rent, another life outside the house. Studying in the same town you live in is really unexpensive.  Besides, would my depression reactivate being away from my family?  I need to make sure this treatment is really working before I make a big change.

I’m ABSOLUTELY tempted to chooese No 2, especially now that I feel powerful and ready for everything.

Yes, I will work twice as hard, I will do all that, I will finish sooner!

Except that, hey, it sounds familiar. The feeling of being able to do everything. I remember feeling like this after I’ve rested for a while, the treatment starts to work and my memory forgets. Then I become obsessed trying to compensate all the “lazyness” I had, do more things than I should just to prove that I can, and end up wasted and quiting again when everything piles up in my head without the certainty of being completely recovered.

I don’t mean I will never attempt something hard again. It doesn’t mean I’m afraid of life.

I’ve just learned to be careful. What’s wrong about graduating after your classmates? Every person has their own problems and obstacles, it doesn’t make them less inteligent or capable.  It’s just stuff out of their control.

You can finish whenever the hell you want. It’s not a race.

I’m over the “I just turned 15 and I am already in college!” thing. For years I thought it was the ONLY good thing I had. That I was really smart and awesome because of it, not because I was really smart and awesome. Everyone always complimented me because of it and nothing else. It made my parents proud to tell that to their friends and colleages.

I have been afraid for so many years that if I lose my age advantage, there will be NOTHING left.   But that’s wrong, there’s so much more to it.

Now I wouldn’t mind sacrificing more years as long as I live them better.

If I ever find something I’m passionate about, I won’t mind it if I’m 30 or 40. I’d follow it.

For some reason I still think I have a big potential, and I’m wasting it at med school. It’s great to be a doctor, but I think I’m doing it for all the wrong reasons. When I have a patient I really comit to them. I feel all warm and fuzzy in the inside after I’ve helped someone. I know my stuff. I would be a good doctor.

But I don’t think I’d ever go into this with my full potential. I lack the desire. And this is one of those careers you really have to be married with. There’s no part time about being a doctor.

And when it comes to be married with medicine, I can only say one thing.

 

I think my husband is great, but I don’t love him.

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5 thoughts on “It’s not a crossroad, it’s a spider web.

  1. I would totally go with option 3. I’ve spent my whole life seeing ‘somewhere else’ as a better place to be, obsessed with strangers and new places and fresh starts. Even now that I’m pretty settled where I am I can’t stop thinking about moving to another country in a few years, or giving the apartment a total facelift just to make it feel like somewhere else.

    Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

  2. you definitely can do it. i’ll be waiting for your graduation news and photos.

    ps. i’m voting for option one. i’m never one to stress myself much. but i’m sure you’ll come up with the right choice for yourself. 🙂

  3. I have a theory. Most people begin med school at around 22-24 years of age and finish at around 26-28. By that age, you know yourself very well. You entered med school at an age where the majority have just graduated from high school—a stage where you’re still learning about yourself and are underdeveloped emotionally. Isn’t it true that the brain isn’t fully developed until 21?

    My point is you’ve surpassed aforementioned stage and have reached a certain maturity. You also know yourself well enough that you now realize medicine is not something that truly satisfies you. I think it’s brave of you to admit that to yourself and on here. Many interns wouldn’t care if they didn’t truly love medicine, they’d still be a doctor because [insert lame reason].

    You’ve invested a great deal of time in this career path and deciding to pull up your socks and stick it out for the last stretch—wow, just wow, I give you much praise for not throwing in the towel! My advise would be to take the path of least resistance—the one that’s less painful, less stressful and that would be to graduate in July at your own pace.

    Much love,

    Li

  4. I’m with option 1 or 3, depending on circumstance.

    Extra stress, merely for the sake of hurrying up, is never worth it. A man with a trumpet and a deep gravelly voice said that we have all the time in the world, and if that’s not authority, then I don’t know what is.

    Then it’s just a question of whether you’re ready to jump out of your comfort zone yet. It might be good, I think play ‘safe’ finish the course, get down that final stretch, and then move on to bigger, brighter, and more importantly, more you things.

    There’s no need to rush. I’m really glad my Ma insists on not putting pressure on me to sort out my career, or push onwards to some arbitrary goal, she says I should bum around poking different buttons and pies and things until I find something that suits.

    That’s how she ended up somewhere she wanted to be (eventually) and I’m pretty sure it’s the best advice ever.

    Long self absorbed ramble again..oops.

  5. Tanya: Number 3 is my first option too. I love new things. It helps me erase any bad memories, and any bad feelings. Unfortunately, I can’t do that right now because of some stuff out of my control. If everything goes well, I could be moving away after I finish though!

    Sulz:
    Yah, there’s no sense on going on a hurry just to prove you can, right?
    News and Photos around August then!

    Li:
    I think you’re right about that theory. When I was 15 I had no idea about anything at all. When I was 18 I was even more confused. I suppose I took decisions too young. But it doesn’t have to be wasted time if I don’t want to.

    Alabaster:
    I absolutely love those long rambles. Don’t stop! Haha
    And I agree with your mom. And the deep voiced authority. 🙂

    Thanks for your comments and imput everyone! It has been really helpful!

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