On the other side, my depression seems to have subsided, for now.
Will the effect survive me going back into stressful situations? I need to be prepared for serious lows that are expected, and keep trying. Right this moment I feel my strengt back. My moods are stable, my head is clear. I’m wonder woman again.
I’ve been given three options for my last semester of General Medicine and Surgery.
1) Normal Schedule: Start February 1st. Finish July 30. PRO: Two of the Three rotations I have left have more flexible schedules, and you even get some weekends off. It wouldn’t be as stressing as the 6 months I did at the beggining. CON: I would graduate 2 months after my classmates.
2) Fast Mode: Start February 1st. Finish May 30. PRO: I’d graduate with my classmates, and the torture of the internship would be over SOONER. CON: I would have to work twice as hard. I would not get weekends or days off, I would not get flexible schedules.
3) Away from Home: I also have the option of doing the rest of my internship in another city. PRO: Nobody who knows me and all what’s happened. New Enviroment, New people, New mates, New teachers. Awesomeness. CON: I would live in a small rented room with no mod coms. No family.
My first choice, number three. I actually want to experience living outside my parents shelter. But I have to automatically cancel it. My family is going through some money issues lately. I don’t think I will add to that with another rent, another life outside the house. Studying in the same town you live in is really unexpensive. Besides, would my depression reactivate being away from my family? I need to make sure this treatment is really working before I make a big change.
I’m ABSOLUTELY tempted to chooese No 2, especially now that I feel powerful and ready for everything.
Yes, I will work twice as hard, I will do all that, I will finish sooner!
Except that, hey, it sounds familiar. The feeling of being able to do everything. I remember feeling like this after I’ve rested for a while, the treatment starts to work and my memory forgets. Then I become obsessed trying to compensate all the “lazyness” I had, do more things than I should just to prove that I can, and end up wasted and quiting again when everything piles up in my head without the certainty of being completely recovered.
I don’t mean I will never attempt something hard again. It doesn’t mean I’m afraid of life.
I’ve just learned to be careful. What’s wrong about graduating after your classmates? Every person has their own problems and obstacles, it doesn’t make them less inteligent or capable. It’s just stuff out of their control.
You can finish whenever the hell you want. It’s not a race.
I’m over the “I just turned 15 and I am already in college!” thing. For years I thought it was the ONLY good thing I had. That I was really smart and awesome because of it, not because I was really smart and awesome. Everyone always complimented me because of it and nothing else. It made my parents proud to tell that to their friends and colleages.
I have been afraid for so many years that if I lose my age advantage, there will be NOTHING left. But that’s wrong, there’s so much more to it.
Now I wouldn’t mind sacrificing more years as long as I live them better.
If I ever find something I’m passionate about, I won’t mind it if I’m 30 or 40. I’d follow it.
For some reason I still think I have a big potential, and I’m wasting it at med school. It’s great to be a doctor, but I think I’m doing it for all the wrong reasons. When I have a patient I really comit to them. I feel all warm and fuzzy in the inside after I’ve helped someone. I know my stuff. I would be a good doctor.
But I don’t think I’d ever go into this with my full potential. I lack the desire. And this is one of those careers you really have to be married with. There’s no part time about being a doctor.
And when it comes to be married with medicine, I can only say one thing.
I think my husband is great, but I don’t love him.