Happiness

Need to give myself a little boost of good stuff.  Apart from eating a giant chocolate bar, I found this set of questions and stole it from Alabaster.  I was answering some of them, and found out I could maybe use some forced in, happy thoughts.  So here it goes:

What makes you happy at work?

I’m not currently working, and I haven’t really had a true job yet, but being an intern is pretty much an unpaid job. So, what did I enjoy about that? Well, for starters, learning to do things regular people can’t do is pretty awesome, like a superpower, or a privilege. I am also in the head of the team, I exercise being a leader, making decisions, making people act on them. With the patients, sometimes it feels like I’ve caused an impact on somebody, and for a minute or two, my existence doesn’t feel such like a waste, and it gives me the ilussion that I’m a little less selfish than I think I am. Also, being part of a big family composed by my internship mates and other med staff… you spend all the time with this people, no matter who you are you’ll end up developing relationships of some sort. Being at work made me force myself to be social and older, and stronger, I pushed myself a lot, maybe too much.

What makes you happy at home?

This one is easier. My music is here, my room is here, my computer is here. I get along pretty well with my family. I like waking up late to eat an improvised breakfast. I love my dog Zeus, he’s all around the place, always happy, full of eternal dog love, and without him I probably would be much fucked up than I am. My room, although messy and hot as hell, it’s my place, I can just lie down to think about irrelevant stuff. I associate it with sleeping, my bed I’ve owned before I was born that now has a mattress with annoying bulks on it that makes it weird to lie down but I still don’t have problems falling asleep in.

What makes you happy with your friends and family?

My family is my stability. They are all weird. I love when they all get along and have a good time. When all four of us watch tv together mocking whatever comes on; when I wake up in the middle of the night and they are all asleep, safe under this roof. All family moments that I remember from my childhood are happy.

My friends. I haven’t been good in this area. I love and care about these people lots, and I’m sure many love me and care about me. But I have problems with calling someone a friend although I refer to some as friends in general, for practical purposes (“Hello, this is my… eh, person who spends lots of time with me, and talks to me a lot, and cares about me, but sometimes fights with me and it’s something that could be friendship but I have trust issues so I’d rather keep my distance, and I don’t really believe in pure friendship… friend Jonathan!“). But this isn’t about the issues, is about the happy moments… so, I guess it makes me happy to feel like I belong to something; when I have an amazing conversation with someone; when I feel like have a part in that person’s life, for good or bad; when I’m able to hang around with them without feeling like a stranger; when I can just sit for a while and not say much and still feel comfortable; when I see somebody after a long while of being away and we instantly click like no time has passed.

What makes you happy when you’re by yourself?

I’m good at enjoying my time alone.  I can find a million of things to do.  I can think of a million things, or nothing at all.  It makes me happy that I can be happy by being alone, and being weird without scaring myself.  I like singing until my throat hurts and dancing clumsily or gracefully until I invariably end up spinning and hitting a wall and falling on my head.  Then I laugh like a true insane person.  I make weird sounds as I please and scream for no reason.  I lie on the floor on the black tiles that are cooler.   When I’m by myself but not so alone as to do these crazy things, I just daydream a lot, or write or listen to music, while thinking.  OR, I sleep and enjoy my awesome dreams.  Or I have laughing fits after random unprocessed funny thoughts that would be impossible to explain and if someone happens to find me laughing and asks about it, I can only say “Nothing.”  And then laugh at that.

What do you love to do?

I love to sleep, to eat, to be lazy. I love to laugh, I love spending time with someone who makes me laugh.  I love having awesome conversations with incredibly interesting people.  I love when I listen to music and it’s just perfect.  I love to accomplish something.  I love to go to an unknown place.  I love to try unknown things.

What would you do with your life today if you weren’t afraid of failure?

I’d probably wouldn’t go back to work, would forget about medicine.  I’d get the hell out of this city and explore the surroundings and the awesome places in here, then get the hell out of my country and go to every place as possible, try as many things as possible and maybe find a place I belong to.  I’d go to Australia.  I’d improve my english until perfection by talking to as many people as possible.  I would study photography, I’d capture the best things in the world in images.  I’d seduce someone hot looking and have amazing sex with him/her.  I would tell people what I feel without being afraid of being disliked or rejected.  I would read a lot and learn a lot about the most fascinating, most useless things in the universe without worrying about them not being practical for the “real world”.

What’s not working in your life?

I don’t know… Obviously, my emotional instability.  My confusion career-wise.  My lack of physical energy to do the million things my mind would like to do.  My shyness and fear of people that stop me from going my way.  My need to think of a way to do something I enjoy for a living and not be caught in a super stressing life just to earn enough money to someday have an actual life.

What are you currently doing that prevents you from experiencing joy?

Before: Pushing myself too hard at work to the point I didn’t exist anymore.

Now: Thinking too much, not acting out enough.  Thinking that maybe thinking is better than any action in this moment.  Neglecting my relationships with people, then expecting they all come my way when I need it.

Thinking too much.

I don’t have any books right now.  Would anyone send me cool e-books at least?

What’s working in your life?

I’m growing a lot, learning new things, changing, always trying to learn more.  If it’s been possible to change in the past, then it’s possible to change whenever I find myself stuck in a dead end.

Which relationships are working in your life?

Family – all of them.  Guy I’m dating – Still in a confusing place, lets-see-what-happens thing.  Getting along pretty well lately and having fun.   A nice comeback of an old sister, after solving a lot of issues.  A new friend, helped me lots through the worst times.  An old friend with a conversation yet to be done.

Who’s not working in your life?

The people who totally forgot about me the moment I stopped cohabiting with them.

Some old online friends who I cared about lots like real life friends but didn’t reciprocate.

Really, nothing is really wrong about relationships, except those I don’t have.

Who in your life is subtracting value from and adding misery to it?

Right now. Nobody.   Two years ago, one of my friends.

Do you believe you should you let them go from your life?

Yes, nobody should go.  I let go that friend from two years ago.  Now she’s back and I’m immune to her.

What’s the single most important thing you’ve learned about yourself as a result of answering these questions?

I don’t know… That I have lots of things to figure out?  That my life is a bit on hold while I’m still in this particular studying cycle.  But it should get better later.  It better does.

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4 thoughts on “Happiness

  1. Good work on taking up the challenge. Interesting stuff there. If it helps, I think what I learnt about you was that you’re more positive about life than you might sometimes think you are. But then, I could be wrong. What do I know.

    Anyway, as for e-books, just expand your literary mind with project gutenberg, it doesn’t look pretty, but it’s got all sorts of public domain stuff (ie old stuff) on there. Otherwise just go hunting the thrift stores for random junk. I like reading out of date non-fiction, particularly science and religion and sociology, it’s always fascinating.

    Though it all distracts from the stuff I’m already reading.

    Which is a problem.

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