Self Sabotage

It’s getting a little hard to imagine this “down” is ever going to end, although the logical part of my brain still tells me it will.  I’m probably not to entertaining to read these days, not that I ever was.  But my blog stats tell me I’m doing especially bad, which in turn makes me feel like a big hypocrite because I’ve stated several times in this very blog, that it was created for personal reasons, not to get readers.  So I might act like “I‘m going to write whatever the hell I want and if you don’t like it you can get the hell out of here“, but in reality, I’m caught now.  If I have 4 readers, I like them, and I’m ashamed now to dump my moody shit on them.

Things aren’t bad at all.  I’m enjoying my time out, I get successfully distracted with things like hanging out, going to movies and interesting places. I have a lot of people who care about me out there.  Consequently I have this voice shouting at me that I should just stop bitching in my own blog about how bad I feel, that I’m making my own life complicated and I should just snap out of it and stop pretending I have any problems at all.  I already know this is depression guilt, the immense guilt of feeling any bad when you have an alright life.  It goes nowhere and makes everything worse, so the best approach is really to learn to ignore it while it passes.

And to be careful.

Because… Is there a possibility that we can indeed make our own life more complicated by developing some self-destructive mechanism in order to justify the way we feel? That we unconsciously, but at the same time deliberately, break our own life in attempts to make it match the broken mood?

The guilt would go away if there’s a “Real” reason to feel bad. Wouldnt it?
I recognize that behaviour because I’ve done it before.  Being a bad daughter, bad friend, bad student, with irresponsible, erratic behaviour (with their correspondent awful, known -before-hand consequences).  More than self punishing, it’s just a way to escape the guilt of not having a reason to be miserable.

Who would say a person would intentionally look for trouble to get some peace.

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3 thoughts on “Self Sabotage

  1. I tend to be same—feel bad and continue to write about how bad I feel..even when everything seems to be alright. All such things dont pop into my mind until I get to my blog (I can be pretty fine)..and when I get to my blog, only such things remain in my mind!!

    What you write sounds convincing—

    “The guilt would go away if there’s a “Real” reason to feel bad.”
    “More than self punishing, it’s just a way to escape the guilt of not having a reason to be miserable.”

  2. But my blog stats tell me I’m doing especially bad, which in turn makes me feel like a big hypocrite because I’ve stated several times in this very blog, that it was created for personal reasons, not to get readers.

    Only those who make their entries private to everyone but themselves can truly claim to be writing solely for themselves. Even so, everything we do in life is for ourselves to varying degrees so even the aforementioned are still self-serving—you can even argue that they are the most self-serving of all as no outside source benefits from their entries.

    If you accept the premise then that each entry whether private or public is ultimately inspired by selfishness, writing for ‘personal reasons’ and writing ‘to get readers’ are for all intents and purposes the same. Each blogger receives the same self-serving judgment.

    Note also that there is a difference between self-serving and self-absorption. The first is to act for the self and a fundamentally natural consequence of being alive. This does not mean an exclusion of your environment and those in it. The second is to focus inward and neglect all else that is not the self—a dysfunctional and wholly solitary existence.

    You belong to the first category even at your most severe depressive states.

    Begin with the premise that your blog is inspired by a self-serving attitude and the only thing left to decide upon is how you will balance your thoughts with your audience. You want to be understood and liked. This is not weak. This is healthy and human. It only becomes negative when you lack specificity on which types of people you desire to be understood and liked by and then proceed to sacrifice your uniqueness in an futile effort to tailor to all who read your blog.

    If I have 4 readers, I like them, and I’m ashamed now to dump my moody shit on them.

    Readers will come and go. To share is to show vulnerability. To have a person trust you enough to reveal their vulnerabilities is a privilege. Therefore, the questions to ask in this situation are:

    a) Who deserves the privilege of seeing my vulnerabilities?
    b) Who can take it?

  3. “I recognize that behaviour because I’ve done it before. Being a bad daughter, bad friend, bad student, with irresponsible, erratic behaviour (with their correspondent awful, known -before-hand consequences). More than self punishing, it’s just a way to escape the guilt of not having a reason to be miserable.”

    That’s me. Clever girl x

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