It’s getting a little hard to imagine this “down” is ever going to end, although the logical part of my brain still tells me it will. I’m probably not to entertaining to read these days, not that I ever was. But my blog stats tell me I’m doing especially bad, which in turn makes me feel like a big hypocrite because I’ve stated several times in this very blog, that it was created for personal reasons, not to get readers. So I might act like “I‘m going to write whatever the hell I want and if you don’t like it you can get the hell out of here“, but in reality, I’m caught now. If I have 4 readers, I like them, and I’m ashamed now to dump my moody shit on them.
Things aren’t bad at all. I’m enjoying my time out, I get successfully distracted with things like hanging out, going to movies and interesting places. I have a lot of people who care about me out there. Consequently I have this voice shouting at me that I should just stop bitching in my own blog about how bad I feel, that I’m making my own life complicated and I should just snap out of it and stop pretending I have any problems at all. I already know this is depression guilt, the immense guilt of feeling any bad when you have an alright life. It goes nowhere and makes everything worse, so the best approach is really to learn to ignore it while it passes.
And to be careful.
Because… Is there a possibility that we can indeed make our own life more complicated by developing some self-destructive mechanism in order to justify the way we feel? That we unconsciously, but at the same time deliberately, break our own life in attempts to make it match the broken mood?
The guilt would go away if there’s a “Real” reason to feel bad. Wouldnt it?
I recognize that behaviour because I’ve done it before. Being a bad daughter, bad friend, bad student, with irresponsible, erratic behaviour (with their correspondent awful, known -before-hand consequences). More than self punishing, it’s just a way to escape the guilt of not having a reason to be miserable.
Who would say a person would intentionally look for trouble to get some peace.