Last night I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. While I was there I read the word “azitromicina”, somewhere in a random box in the shelves.
“Wow, that name…”. I seemed to be surprised. My brain was a big blur, and a zombified part of it was seriously wondering why it sounded so familiar to me. “It’s the name of a drug.”, “Did I see it in ER’s last episode?”, “Have I, perhaps, received an email with its name on it?”, “what…”. My eyes went around the rest of the shelf: “Eritromicina”, “Penicilina”, “Loratadina”, “Ranitidina”, “Travad”. And then it all came back to me.
It might have been a small fraction of a second; but for a real amount of time, I had totally forgotten that I
am was a medical intern about to graduate, and that I hold long files of memory on every one of those names. I know what Azithromycin is: an antibiotic, a macrolide and much more. I know erithromycin, and penicillin, and the rest of them.
I haven’t been a med intern for 7 days now.
During 6 months its all I was. Like I was lost in a role play, it was everything to me. The hospital, my fellow interns, the rest of the staff, the patients, the drugs, the teachers. I might have hated it, I might have loved it. It is irrelevant. It was my life for that amount of time. I have compartmentalized it. The moment I’ve got out, I completely stopped thinking of my self as an intern. I was so miserable during my internship I thought the moment I were out, I would be the happiest person in the universe. But I’m just a 21 year old female lost in the world, with no knowledge or talent whatsoever. Just some confused girl.
It’s there a possibility I might be depressed again because I stopped being an intern, and I have no idea what I’m doing now? It would be pretty ironic, given the amount of drama that it brought to me in the first place. But, was I really that miserable? My blogs and mood journals from that time tell me that I was, at the beginning. But lately it wasn’t so bad. Although things really started to get better the moment I decided I would take a break. So maybe I was right to take this time off after all.
When I got out, I also lost contact with everyone I used to work with. I mean, if someone told me that being a med intern was some hallucination I had while being mad, I could believe that. It feels like another life.
Okay, so I took two months out from internship. I feel like I need to use this time wisely. I have a pressure on my mind, like I need to accomplish something important in these two months. Something that makes up for the wasted time, something that makes me say: “well, I might have lost time, but I am CURED now!“, or: “well, I might have lost time, but I traveled around the world in a white horse, and I bet that is cooler than whatever you were up to on the same time, isn’t it? ISN’T IT?”
I know I’m not supposed to be doing anything huge. I took this break because I’m not coping well, I need to rest, I need to take off the stress from my shoulders and be able to think things through without the pressure of having a thousand other things to juggle at the same time. I need to get my own mind organized a little. I could just lie on a hammock listening to music the whole day, everyday, and that would be okay! That was the objective: To REST!
It would be ideal if my time off was on a beach, somewhere accross the globe with servants handing me delicious cocktails. But I’m poor, so resting will have to do. And resting it’s all I need. And my family has been supportive enough to be okay with this and letting me quit school and be a bum for a while.
But I keep thinking I’ll be back in two months, being the same person, dealing with the same situations in the same way, and thinking my time out and my delaying of my graduation was all for nothing. And then everyone who ever said I was stupid for taking a break will be right. And then I’ll be back on the same track.
I need to stop thinking.