Do you ever wake up knowing it’s not going to be an especially good day?
Today it was one of those.
There are of course reasons for it, it’s not like “ohh I see the future, today is going to be baaad”. I just woke up feeling like crap and that reflected on my work, which earned me lectures and wasted time. And also reflected on my relationships with people, increasing my fear of interacting with them and making things worse.
Sometimes I can be so shy it is like I was truly AFRAID of people. When I think about it rationally, it doesn’t make sense to be afraid of them. If I was going to tell somebody “hey, right now I’m feeling very afraid of talking to anyone, even a random person”, the logical answer would be, “You shouldn’t. What’s the worst that can happen?, if you get a mean answer you can ignore them, it’s not the end of the world”. Of course it’s not, I’m not stupid. But knowing things sometimes doesn’t make a difference. How then, can you change a behaviour? Is it possible?
There are people with phobias who can get better by slowly being exposed. But my thing is not really a phobia, because when the shyness o-meter goes down, it just does and I can do anything. I’m not really a social inept, I know how to handle these things. I can be such miss-congeniality sometimes. It’s such a fluctuating thing. It’s just shyness, or is it? Avoidant personality disorder all over again? maybe, but I don’t want it to be, because personality disorders are like, the terminal illnesses of psychiatry.
Not all is bad, I accept I’ve gotten better. I am so much better.
Tomorrow I start working on a different section of the hospital. I used to be at infectology, and I’m going now to the ER, which is much more chaotic. Maybe I’m just preoccupied with these things.