The other side

Everytime I feel the uncontrollable urge to yell at my psychiatrist for misinterpreting my words, for not being warm enough, for making it scary to go to each consult, for not always remembering what medication I’m on without looking at the chart, for not giving me much hope when I’m at my worst, for giving me cliche advice, to just send out one medication after another like she was experimenting…

I end up saying nothing because after all, I’ve been in the other side. I’ve had patients, I’ve been the doctor, and I’ve been in the position of realizing I can’t be a saviour, I can only do my best, even when sometimes it won’t fill the patient expectations. I’ve also realized that communicating with a person is hard enough in normal settings, now add a big desk and limited time. Now add a mental illness instead of a physical one.

I can’t call my psychiatrist a bitch when I’ve been in the position of trying to help someone and not being able to.

I know I’m not a psychiatrist, I’m barely about to qualify as a general practitioner… but can you really get that good in just another 4 years? Is it a talent that comes from the inside?, is there a perfect psychiatrist? Are patients asking for too much from a person who is just a human with a bit more knowledge and experience?

Been thinking too much after going to my appointment today. Nothing bad has happened, but I’ve been going a little bit downwards (mood wise) after a few days of joy, though I’m still at the point where I can calm myself down a little by reassuring myself “it’s just depression trying to haunt me”.

But I know this feeling. It usually takes me down. Will I be able to avoid it this time? Right now I feel like I’m riding a surf board. Of course as long as I don’t fall I’m okay.

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