I’m not running away. I’m just going out for a smoke.

So, hey again all of you.

*echoes*

Things have been weird again, as noted in my latest entry.  But I guess it’s all part of this. It’s not so bad, considering this blog is biased because I tend to come here more, if not only, when I have to vent about crap…

This blog is a load of crap, so to speak.

Despite many things I’ve done to avoid it, I think my emotional instability has been getting worse over the time instead of better. And I think the late stress I’ve been under might have been contributing to the problem. It must be it…

Y depronto, ella descubrio que el agua moja .

It’s just feels very humiliating to accept that maybe, right now (keywords=”right now”) it might not be the best time to do something as demanding as a medical internship. Clearly nobody is going to kick me out because I keep on having good grades, showing decent skills, and I have the heck of a fame. But deep down inside I think I’m doing terribly. I can’t focus so I can’t learn. I don’t study. I do barely what I’m asked to.

And now the story… 

I just have been so eager to finish. Maybe it’s the pressure that I’ve always been the youngest at everything school-related. If everything would have gone as planned, I would have been graduating 2 weeks after my 21st birthday. I don’t think there are many doctors out there who can start practicing at such a young age.

But I’ve already taken 6 months off on 2005, and the record is broken.

It’s a stupid record. Because after all, if I had not graduated at age 14 from 11 grade, and gone straight into uni, I might have made a wiser career choice. What the fuck do you know about life at age 14?.

Everything… according to yourself.

It’s not that I hate medicine. I’m pretty fine with it, but it’s not the accomplishment of my life. And it has taken most of my teenage years and early adulthood. Again, it’s not a waste at all, it’s just not what I had planned for my life.

What’s done is done.  I’m going to carry this to term, and I’m going to find a way to find something I enjoy doing and maybe involve a little of what I already know which is not negligible. The point is that I’ve been trying to finish for what feels so long. But the hurry is making it worse. For one or other reason my brain has the habit of misbehaving, and the pressure I’ve put on myself is just making it worse.

I am planning to take a break again, with no anxiety, no avoidance. It was the final result of a lot of thinking.

So, as soon as I finish my current rotation on Nov 30, I’ll be a normal human for about 60 days. It’s just another experiment, but I gotta do something. I will probably attend to my boyfriend’s graduation, and feel jealous that he’s out for good and I’m not. But 6 months of internship would be left for me. And I hope by then I won’t be so messed up.

Or so messed up you won’t even notice you’re messed up. 

Yeah, either way it’s good.

By the way, I have 4 hours to finish something that has been due for about a week. Gotta go back to work.

And she runs away again.

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4 thoughts on “I’m not running away. I’m just going out for a smoke.

  1. My dad always says that—‘guess what, Li? Water? It’s wet.’ It’s so obvious it cracks me up. Now you say it too and I’m amused.

    Hey, I vent on my blog too. It’s therapeutic.

    Wow, starting uni at the age of 14 is an impressive accomplishment! You must be a genius! But I know you’re also human and it sounds like you’re getting tired. You deserve a break after studying so hard for over 16 straight years (assuming you started school @ the age of 5). A little rest, relaxation and rejuvenation does everyone good. It might just give you the needed energy to complete the 6 months you have left and graduate. 🙂

    Love,

    Li

  2. Haha I didn’t know how to express that particular thing in english. Hehehe.

    I’m not a genious, I just started early (Kinder when three and 1st grade at 4), anyway if I ever was a genious, I’m not anymore. 😛 Med school fried my brain. hehe.

    Anyway, I sort of pity geniouses, their lives seem to have a tendency to end up bad. They might be remembered in posterity, but what would they give a damn about it if they’re gone already.

  3. … i’m kind of speechless when i figured that you could be practising as a doctor by the time you’re 22 or 23. 😕 like, that’s freaking unbelievable! i’m 22 and i don’t even know what i can do!

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