Now they know. I know many of them think I’m an attention seeker, or I’m looking for a mechanism to take a break from work without taking the blame for it. It’s not bad enough that they might think that. It’s worst that I do. And I think everyone is thinking the same. I go to work everyday with a smile and acting normal, and thinking all the time “they know I’m a faker“, “they know I’m weak and pathetic“, “they loathe me, I’m a burden, they would rather have me gone“, “they’re right“.
After all, what the fuck am I depressed about? My problems are insignificant. Seriously, I don’t have any huge wounds in the past that subconsciously arise to make my life harder. EVERYTHING in my life has been perfect. I don’t have anything to blame this on, except of course myself.
I know about this called “endogenous depression”. But is it real? Or is it just weak people trying to steal a place in the world? I kept this all secretly for lots of years now. Because I was ashamed. And now that it’s out, I’m even more ashamed. Like a 1000 times more, because “it is my fault that it’s out“. Now “I’m using it to manipulate every situation“.
And I know this is only me talking. Because people have been great. People have been supportive and sweet and understanding with my late behavioral problems. But then I feel even worst because “I’m such a good faker that I convinced them”. The nicer they treat me the more guilty I feel.
Yesterday things were great for like 8 entire hours. I talked to around 30 different people, language was flowing, I was decided, eyes were shiny, I felt like the prettiest, most interesting thing ever, I did a hundred things yesterday. And I was tired, and I was post-shift, sleep deprived. How can I always stay like that? (not the tired, sleep deprived part, but the thing above it.) I could feel the energy leave me again this morning like a bad torture. Thoughts were slowing down again and the image of myself was falling down as well. And I think it’s my fault. How could it be not? My Zoloft isn’t going to do this for me. Getting out of this, is up to me and I’m not coping well.