Denial Forever

Now they know.  I know many of them think I’m an attention seeker, or I’m looking for a mechanism to take a break from work without taking the blame for it.   It’s not bad enough that they might think that.  It’s worst that I do.  And I think everyone is thinking the same.  I go to work everyday with a smile and acting normal, and thinking all the time “they know I’m a faker“, “they know I’m weak and pathetic“, “they loathe me, I’m a burden, they would rather have me gone“, “they’re right“.

After all, what the fuck am I depressed about? My problems are insignificant.  Seriously, I don’t have any huge wounds in the past that subconsciously arise to make my life harder.  EVERYTHING in my life has been perfect.  I don’t have anything to blame this on, except of course myself.

I know about this called “endogenous depression”.  But is it real? Or is it just weak people trying to steal a place in the world? I kept this all secretly for lots of years now.  Because I was ashamed.  And now that it’s out, I’m even more ashamed.  Like a 1000 times more, because “it is my fault that it’s out“.  Now “I’m using it to manipulate every situation“.

And I know this is only me talking.  Because people have been great.  People have been supportive and sweet and understanding with my late behavioral problems.  But then I feel even worst because “I’m such a good faker that I convinced them”.   The nicer they treat me the more guilty I feel.
Yesterday things were great for like 8 entire hours. I talked to around 30 different people, language was flowing, I was decided, eyes were shiny, I felt like the prettiest, most interesting thing ever, I did a hundred things yesterday.   And I was tired, and I was post-shift, sleep deprived.  How can I always stay like that? (not the tired, sleep deprived part, but the thing above it.) I could feel the energy leave me again this morning like a bad torture.  Thoughts were slowing down again and the image of myself was falling down as well.  And I think it’s my fault.  How could it be not?  My Zoloft isn’t going to do this for me.  Getting out of this, is up to me and I’m not coping well.

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2 thoughts on “Denial Forever

  1. I used to think this way and very recently too. Until I remembered what my doctor has been telling me all along–it’s a chemical imbalance. If depression isn’t circumstancial then it is a biological. You have to realize it isn’t you but your brain. Why be mad at your brain? If someone gets cancer, you get mad at the cancer, not the person who gets it, right?

    As for the eight hour high you had, ups and downs are natural in depression. It’s an annoying reality. We try hard to hold on to the high but the low is inevitable. It’s all part of the illness. Don’t beat yourself up over having depression. And what you’re thinking others are thinking about you—stop stop. You’re just making yourself feel worse! And that’s the last thing you wanna do.

    Getting out of this is up to you but you do need help along the way. Research shows depression can be “cured” through meds and therapy. Perhaps you need a higher dosage of Zoloft. I’ve tried a handful of anti-Ds and none of them worked for very long and some of them didn’t work at all. Finding the right drug is difficult process. Keep trying and you’ll get there eventually. Also, try alternate medicine…like massage therapy or acupuncture. Ya never know what will end up working for you. 🙂

    Love,

    Li

  2. Yeah, you’re right about that. And I think I do know what you mean. I’ve known all along… But it seems like its only when I’m sane that I can see how insane I’ve been thinking and acting. When my mind goes crazy, it’s pretty much all I can see. Like tunnel vision.

    Thanks a lot for your comment Li.

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