On my side

I slept for about an hour, woke up, and couldn’t go back to sleep. I have to start working around 5:30. So I guess I kinda gave up on sleeping. I started going through tv channels, listened to some songs I liked, read a bit. Sometimes I hate that I can’t at least have a little insomniac time without waking up the whole house. I was listening to music with headphones on and just a little lamp, and still, the dog woke up, the bird thought it was morning, and had my dad passing by wondering why I wouldn’t go back to sleep when I’ve been so busy and so tired. I just told him I’m not really tired.

I’ve been thinking that many of the negative feelings I get are initially the same than those of the average person. Except that my reaction to those feelings is different. When I have a problem with a person or a situation, I rarely react with anger, but instead I try to rationalize what happened, and try to be understanding. I try TOO HARD when really, the process of being understanding is not a voluntary process. Either you’re comfortable with a situation or not, and when you avoid releasing your anger with the fear of being unfair, that anger is going somewhere, it’s going to grow, and it’s going to attack you.

This is how I interact with people: I have no faith on people, I have no trust on them. When something bad happens, I’m the only one responsible. I have no right to expect something from another person because I don’t trust them. I carry the weight of the world in my shoulders.

Is it because I think I’m such a little unworthy creature, that I don’t have the right to expect things from anyone? Or is it because I believe I’m so much better than everyone that I think “it’s not the fault of those poor humans, they aren’t smart enough, and shouldn’t be blamed from the bad things they do to me”. Maybe it’s a combination of both. It’s funny how high and low self esteem can blend in such a way. Either way, that system is going against myself.

To give the abstract thoughts some shape, I will refer to the time when I let people know about my depression. It has happened with everyone; friends, acquittances, online pals. They all went away. Did I feel anger? Never. When this happened I felt sad and disappointed with the world. I sadly understood how it must feel to have a friend with a mind so messed up like mine. I understood how uncomfortable, boring and sad it would be for them, and I didn’t even for a second claimed anything for myself. I patted their backs and said in my mind “Wow, poor you, I understand you. You’re right to leave me. Run away from me as fast as you can.”

Rejected because I deserve it. Not worthy enough to make up for the bad things. Rejected also because they are just little humans that shouldn’t be forced to understand because their minds are too little to do so. I even exposed these kind of “understanding” thoughts in earlier entries. When I started analyzing how other people react to similar situations, I realized most react with anger towards the people who ran away, not themselves. They claim for understanding, they find it unfair that their loved ones abandoned them, they call them IGNORANT, with a passion.

Why do I take their side, and not my side?

Even if it’s unfair, it’s for the sake of my sanity, so why not. Either way they’re not coming back, why to be so careful?

I won’t go haunt my old so called friends to tell them how I feel now, but why not do it here, if it’s my own blog. It’s my place to vent. And for new situations, I will try more anger and less understanding. I’m just a little human too. I’m not perfect. It is no longer a priority not to be unfair with the other little humans. They can deal with it, and they can fight back, and they can keep running, but at least after hearing my point of view, and after proving by their attitude that they are the unworthy ones.

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