Sleeping with the enemy.

Yes yes yes, this blog couldn’t be more ruined already, so it doesn’t matter what comes next, does it? I’m shameless now.

Thought it can’t be all about self pity. This crazy person needs a break. Just to clear some things out.

No matter what you say, or what arguments you use that I can’t fight back sometimes (that goes to my own head too)… I am not a weak person, I am not a pathetic girl who is scared of everything and makes a big deal of everything.

I just have this thing, and I’m not entirely sure what goes wrong inside my brain, not because I haven’t read everything about it, but because it’s probably not known by humans yet. We have to wait and see. It’s probably like having the flu at the time microorganisms were unknown, like “why the fuck do you cough so much?!”… “ehh, I don’t know, I just do it”.

It’s not that I’m a victim of something either, I just have a disease, that’s all. It’s like being epileptic. Listen to me. I can’t control my seizures. Stop telling me to control my own seizures… Actually, it’s more like an autoimmune disease. Tell a person with Lupus: “dude, just tell your cells to stop attacking your other cells! They’re like, your own cells, just order them to stop, duh”

And I just felt guilty about it because I have a super woman complex. I think I should be able to do it all, control it all, know it all.

But I can’t, alright?. Things are fine. I can live with that… right now. Time will come again when I will think that this is unbearable and I’d rather not live, and then spend another entire day unable to move, blah blah, but I’ll probably get a hold of myself again like it always happens. If I don’t, then I’ll be just another human that passed by this earth. It’s not that tragic, really.

So, yes, I’ve lost a big deal of experiences in this life due to depression. I’ve lost friends and family members to it, and it sucks. I’ve lost a big part of my own mind, and maybe became a bit more retarded than I used to be.

But I can’t fight it, because it has deeply infiltrated my every tissue. I can maybe just… lock it inside a capsule… and accept the fact that it’ll break free from time to time and lock me in instead.

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4 thoughts on “Sleeping with the enemy.

  1. “Tell a person with Lupus: “dude, just tell your cells to stop attacking your other cells! They’re like, your own cells, just order them to stop, duh”

    You wouldn’t believe how many people have pretty much done that to me, telling me to meditate/think differently/push myself harder and magically I won’t have M.E. anymore. People are ignorant assholes. I used to be amazed when people told me I could just ‘snap out of’ depression…if it was that fucking easy, I’d have done it years ago. Again, people are ignorant assholes. Hugs to you, honey.

  2. i agree, depression is a dibilitating disease. it is a disease that the person has NO control over at all. some people are so stubborn in their ways of thinking that it hurts.

    thank you for your comment and come by again. i will subscribe to you, if you don’t mind. there is much for us to share about.

  3. hi nessa, how are you? i didn’t know you’re clinically depressed. i certainly won’t assume to understand how down you can feel when you’re depressed. i hope you’ll be strong and fight it. people may avoid you, but only because they don’t know what to do around you, as you’ve pointed out. try opening up to someone, even if it’s the last thing you want to do. communication really helps. meanwhile, blogging about it helps to release the tension a little.

    all the best to you, and hope you’ll find some happiness in life and in yourself. 🙂

  4. Yes this blog has helped in a way that it helps me vent a lot. I’ve been trying to do more things to help me than just take the medication and wait. But I guess in the end I still have to wait.

    Just so you know, I still read all you guys blogs, I might just not have the time to reply, or maybe it just feels like I have nothing new to add. HEhe…I don’t know.

    Thank you guys for the comments.

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