A couple of days ago, things seemed to have stabilized. They aren’t so stable right now, but I’m not surprised. I don’t get my hopes up anymore. It’s simply a bit of light that comes without my control, and goes away without my control. It’s like living in a house that keeps the light switches in a secret room filled with mischievous elves.
It’s a complicated situation. When you are depressed, the people around you maybe care about you, but they don’t know how to deal with you. And it’s understandable, it’s normal. Why would they? The amount of empathy required would make them fall to the hole themselves, and they still wouldn’t know what to do. Because after all, I’m supposedly in the hole myself, and I still wouldn’t be able to fix a person who were in the same situation as me.
So it’s completely understandable when they avoid you because you won’t speak a word that is not a complaint, or no words at all. It’s understandable when they keep pushing you and asking you to “just get out of the hole”, “just be happy”, because they indeed want to see you happy, but they don’t realize that you have no control over it anymore. It is understandable when they get angry at you and can’t possibly understand why despite all their efforts, you’re still caught in the hole. How can you blame them. I don’t. How would they know what’s the “right” thing to do from the outside? Seriously, there’s no way to know. And in the end, it’s not their responsibility. It’s better for them to go away instead of keep trying. And I’d also rather be alone than be a burden, and this is not even an altruistic thought, it’s very selfish. It’s better for me because I’d rather only suffer my own frustration, than add the frustration of everyone else around me.