A couple of days ago, things seemed to have stabilized. They aren’t so stable right now, but I’m not surprised. I don’t get my hopes up anymore. It’s simply a bit of light that comes without my control, and goes away without my control. It’s like living in a house that keeps the light switches in a secret room filled with mischievous elves.

It’s a complicated situation. When you are depressed, the people around you maybe care about you, but they don’t know how to deal with you. And it’s understandable, it’s normal. Why would they? The amount of empathy required would make them fall to the hole themselves, and they still wouldn’t know what to do. Because after all, I’m supposedly in the hole myself, and I still wouldn’t be able to fix a person who were in the same situation as me.

So it’s completely understandable when they avoid you because you won’t speak a word that is not a complaint, or no words at all. It’s understandable when they keep pushing you and asking you to “just get out of the hole”, “just be happy”, because they indeed want to see you happy, but they don’t realize that you have no control over it anymore. It is understandable when they get angry at you and can’t possibly understand why despite all their efforts, you’re still caught in the hole. How can you blame them. I don’t. How would they know what’s the “right” thing to do from the outside? Seriously, there’s no way to know. And in the end, it’s not their responsibility. It’s better for them to go away instead of keep trying. And I’d also rather be alone than be a burden, and this is not even an altruistic thought, it’s very selfish. It’s better for me because I’d rather only suffer my own frustration, than add the frustration of everyone else around me.


4 thoughts on “encapsulated

  1. Regarding the ups and downs, I am going through something like rapid cycling. It’s like a really big roller coaster in which the peaks are way up in the clouds and the valleys are in hell. Unfortunately, like all roller coasters, it comes to a stop at a low point and once again I am stuck in hell, in my bed, with only the walls to keep me company.

  2. Oh, I had read your entry, but not the responses. I can totally relate.

    “… but doing nothing will naturally yield nothing.” Damn, Bill. You know, I never thought about doing something about my illness. I’ll get right on that.”

    Haha, I liked that.

    You know, this is really an invisible disorder. It’s almost impossible not to look like crap from the outside. It’s just what it looks like. But I still can’t blame them, or become angry at these people from the outside, because after all, how are they supposed to know?

    And actually, even if it hurts me not to be understood, I don’t even want them to know what it’s like. In the end, why would it help? Think about it. They finally realize how out of control you are, and how it is not your desicion to do what you do, and how impossible it is to go back…

    …and what would they do?… pity you? treat you more softly so your disabled self has an easier life?

    I guess I’m still much too proud.

    I think one of the things that keeps me going is knowing that I have been able to keep all of this hidden from most of the people around me. When I miss a whole day of class I’d rather have people think I was too drunk to get there instead of letting them know what I was really doing: lying on bed.

    Only my teachers know because they are colleagues with my psychiatrist, and because my behaviour wouldn’t be tolerated ortherwise.

    Though YES. It does feel good to be understood… And still not feel judged or pitied, just understood, while at the same time they still seem to respect you and like you and you don’t see your pathetic self reflected on their eyes when they look at you. You just see you.

    Thought that’s extremely hard to find. And I would be unable to just MAKE people act like that. You can’t give so much credit to people you know? They don’t have as much control over themselves as it seems like. They do what they can do, and sometimes, arguing with you and not understanding you it’s all they can do.

  3. You are right. I don’t wish this on anyone I care about. I just wish the people I care about would give me the benefit of the doubt. I wish they would say to themselves, “You know Ashley is acting really lazy lately, but he has never been this way before; something must be really wrong.”

    Is that just wishful thinking? Maybe. After almost 30 years of being depressed and sometimes hypomanic, I would expect my family to see it for what it is. I mean, how long can people stay in denial?! It just gets me angry, but I know you are right. I’m just tired of always looking like a drama king.

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