Lost the wheel.

To fool yourself. There’s nothing harder than that.

It’s strange to be so out of control. To feel there are many people inside you instead of one. And I’m not talking about mental diseases with multiple personalities and different names or voices in your head. Nah.

I’m talking about the feeling of never being in control. There’s nothing harder than control your own mind, to do things like stop a habit, stop missing someone, stop eating, forget the sad happenings, make yourself act or feel one way or the other… it goes to the point you can’t control your own thoughts anymore. What happens here? Who is in charge then? Supposedly we are our brain, but instead it feels like we we’re someone else trying to convince each one of our own brain cells to do something. And we’re not very convincing!

We fool ourselves. We make other people tell us what to do, we whine so others tell us that everything is going to be fine, we follow people, cults, religions that tell us that if we do this or that we’ll get what we want, we create fantasies where things work our way, we take pills, juices, witch soups… It doesn’t matter if it’s not real, we just have to do everything in our hands to feel less out of control, to feel we really do things because we want, and if we don’t do them, it’s not because we’ve lost the wheel of our car, but because something else is pushing us.

What happens when you’re so intensely aware that everything what people use to be in control is an ilussion, and you’re just not in control of anything anymore, and there’s nothing you can do about it…

Because placebos just don’t work well when you administer them to yourself.

To look for a real solution? what if there’s none for your damaged self?

I never thought I’d say it but I want my placebo without knowing I’m getting it. I want to think everything is going to be fine even if it’s not. I want my holographic safety net below the rope to be able to cross it without falling. Even thought it’s never going to be there anyway.

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2 thoughts on “Lost the wheel.

  1. I can’t really remember the last time I had the wheel now! Sometimes I just keep telling myself, I’M NOT EMO, I’M NOT EMO, I’M NOT EMO, then do something I wanna do in impulse that makes me feel in control, and not full of self pitty. For example, this morning I went for a jog at 2am.

    And it felt great, as I had managed to escape out of my house without anyone knowing, do something good for myself, in that it’s a form of exercise and helped me defeat my insomnia. Best of all, I had the power to do it. I still feel numb though, just comfortably numb. It could always be worse.

  2. I’d quite like one of those holographic safety nets too. Most of the time I’m fully aware of why I’m doing and feeling what I’m doing and feeling, but sometimes things creep up on me and I realise I was too aware and not aware enough at the same time.

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