When you watch a film, sometimes you get caught in it in such a way, that you feel everything what is happening in the movie like you were part of it. Of course one hour and half later it ends and you snap out of it and go back into “real life”.
Right now I feel like I’m in a movie or a dream. I feel like it’s going to end in any second, and I’ll be back into my routinary weird life. I know exactly when I’ll snap out of this current feeling: it will happen the moment I knock on my house’s door and my family starts asking questions and I have to face the fact that I have no answers. Right now i can’t think, my brain is being rejected like a bad transplant.
It’s funny how the butterfly effect acts, and any insignificant thing might decide the outcome of something. I think if the elevator had worked today at 5 am, I wouldn’t be here. I would have gone up to the 5th floor, take a look at the 12 patients I have to check on, just like I do everyday, and drag myself through a very busy day, and then when the night comes, annoy myself until I sleep or write another anxious post in here about wanting to get out of everything.
But the elevator didn’t work. I hit on the button several times. There were people already walking up the stairs but I didn’t want to use them. I kept trying on the elevator until I realized it wasn’t going to work. Then it hit me. I suddenly had the certainty I wasn’t going to go up there anymore.
I ran out. No doors were open. I started having delusions about the hospital not wanting to let me go, and enclosing all over me. I was about to go nuts again when I saw it.
I don’t remember much. This happened 4 hours ago. I’ve been wandering around ever since. I walked in circles around the city doing absolutely nothing until it was 9 am and I saw this internet cafe opened. I am tired, so I figured I’d enter.
I know I’m out of the internship, you can’t just run away, it’s a major thing, I think right now the docs are all angry and saying it’s better for me not to show up again after this anyway. I can’t believe how amusing that seems now. I feel good in my insanity right now.
I can’t go home. I can’t go real yet. They won’t miss me until tonight at 8 pm when I’m supposed to finish my day at the hospital – so I have plenty of time to avoid. The moment I cross my house’s door, they will start asking questions and I don’t have any explanations, or solutions. “What have you done?” I don’t know. “What will you do now?” I have no idea. I’m floating in the sky, I have no plans, no thoughts whatsoever. I can’t handle their frustration now, I have plenty of my own.
I’m sorry I didn’t turn out to be strong.
I’m sorry I’m such a sucky daughter.
I’m sorry I didn’t make anyone proud.
I’m sorry I’m a coward.
I’m sorry I ruined my friendship with a person who is basically my non blood sister.
I’m sorry I made a person sicker when she was under my care.
I’m sorry I’m so immature.
I’m sorry I can’t be trusted on.
I’m sorry I can’t do anything right.
I’m sorry I can never establish a normal relationship with another human. Or even an abnormal one.
I’m sorry I can’t make myself happy.
I’m sorry I made myself miserable and killed my own dreams.
I’m sorry I gave up on my own life.