This thing needs to be over soon. I’ve spent all my reserves of energy, and only 11 days have been through. 11… 11/365. People keep telling me “be strong it’s only a year”. And in my head I’m like… “What the fuck? Are you in drugs? Where do you get that 365 days, 8760 hours, 525600 minutes is something that can be called only a year???”. Everyday when I’m working I don’t bitch, I sort of get in character, ignore the screams in my mind and do my job, but it’s all unbearable at nights when I realize my effort was just 1/365 of the whole thing and I have to do it all over again the next day, only to get another 1/365. Talk about low paid jobs.
Not only my mind is exhausted from the load of work and the lack of sleep, and the pressure, but every single day I also have to fight the urge of quitting for good. Then guilt comes in and I realize that if I quit my mind would never leave me alone again… for myself I’d always be the girl who only completed 11/365, 25/365, or even 364/365. It’s funny how I really don’t give a damn about what other people think, not because I’m strong and confident, but because I am the biggest bitch in the world to myself. If I fail at something, my own mind is capable of such psychological torture that the fact that any other random person might think low of me is just fucking insignificant.
This is messing with me damn it. I need a clone to send to work while I can live as a bum forever. I’m tired of waking up at 3:30 am, I’m tired of filling 10o0 forms a day, I’m tired of feeling I have 100 people under my command when I’m know nothing. I’m tired of feeling the pressure of the obsessive-compulsive surgeons who want everything to be perfect and keep pushing and pushing you over the cliff… and even when you do perfect they yell at you. I’m tired of having to deal with these people that are sick, I’m tired of the fakeness I have to put up with, when I know I can’t do anything to help them because the system sucks too much anyway, and I can just say “it’s hurting bad huh? I promise we’ll do our best”, while the real message is: “you’re fucked up, nobody here or anywhere is going to do anything real for you, suck it up”.
I cant handle this anymore. I can’t go anywhere else.