Something is not right about the way I handle things. I don’t handle things, I run away from them, as far as I can, until they build up with other things I didn’t handle and they end up smashing me. It seems to me now, that everytime I have to face something serious, I burst in anxiety attacks, I collapse my brain, numb my senses and stop thinking. Whatever helps me to do that, it’s welcome, even if it’s bad for me in the long run. The point of it all it’s to stop thinking, put my brain in a coma and hope that whatever it’s wrong goes away. After the anxiety attack is over, I try my best not to think about what triggered it in the first place, so once again, I avoid discussing the issue in my mind, and everything goes back into apparent calm. In this situation I’m the best at compartmentalizing, and pretend nothing is wrong, and whine about things like the weather and the mean people instead.
With this internship I’m feeling like I’m the weakest person in the world. I see how I’m falling apart just because I have to do something other people here and in many areas do everyday. I don’t understand why they do it. I guess it’s not so bad for them, because if it is then the ones with issues are them and not me. Maybe I am indeed weaker than them. But, why do I have to prove I’m not? What am I trying to prove and to who? What will I get if I finish it? There’s nothing I want waiting for me there. It is not my dream to be a doctor, it never has been. But most adults are stuck doing things they don’t want to do and they still hold themselves together. Why do they? I don’t think it’s something to be proud of, I think they’re just avoiders like me. I don’t think you’re strong just for holding on in a bad situation. I think it’s natural to be able to resist anything, just standing there. Anyone can do that. It’s the nature of living organisms. I think strong would be to take a chance outside the safety zone, because that part is much harder, and much more scary. I admire anyone who has been able to do that.
Right now I don’t feel I’m strong minded enough to even stand up, and some part of my brain keeps mocking me about how pathetic that is. I feel like I’m broken, I feel pretty awful right now. I have the urge to just lie down, somewhere waiting for the bad feelings to fade. And it would happen. But I have to do a thousand of things today, I have to make a decision now if I don’t want to waste my last 2 hours of sleep, to either use my compartmentalization powers again, snap out of it and keep resisting, or …otherwise. But I guess I will just put off the issue for another day and just go by the default option.