Intern, girls, kyle.

So, tomorrow I start my medical internship. 365 days of hell.

Except that it felt like it started today. I still had to spend all day in the hospital, and do a bunch of stuff. I have to wake up at 4 am tomorrow so I can be at least at 5 am at the hospital to check on my 10 assigned patients until the rounds start at 7 am.

Oh well, I expected this. What can I do.

For years, I’ve had to deal with being the only girl in all the groups of people I end up in. Classes, rotations, shifts, it’s all guys, guys, guys. Being majority, they usually take up more of the conversation and I end up talking with them about everything anyway. It’s not bad, guys are good friends and fun to talk to, so it doesn’t really bother me.

Well, this time for my internship I thought I would stop being “one of the boys” for once, because I got in a group with 2 other girls in it, I told myself “yay, a change, lets see how it goes”.

Except after a few hours with them I wanted my guys back… it was because of many many things. I don’t know if it’s only me, of there’s something about groups of girls… envy, backstabbing… they smile a lot and kiss you on the cheek to say hi, but you don’t really know what’s going on inside their minds!

Oh! And the third part of my tittle is Kyle.

Kyle is an exchange student from Pensylvannia. I think we’ve never had one of these. Exchange students I mean… It’s just that, Colombia, and especially a small city like Neiva doesn’t get many foreigners. There’s only latino people all around, and maybe a couple of asians inside a chinese restaurant (regardless whether they are really japanese or korean for example…) and maybe a couple of Canadians inside their English language schools. When I entered the classroom I noticed someone that was sort of different looking than the rest of the people… for example big blue eyes looking all around a bit lost, but probably the biggest difference was that he was wearing a tshirt and shorts to the hospital. Like, no matter how hot it is, a true person from Neiva will never wear shorts and a tshirt if they’re not in their house or another irrelevant place. People from Neiva LOVE to show off, and will buy expensive cars even if they have to pay for the credit with their whole salary in a way that leaves them unable to even pay for the gasoline. They will dress in “nice” clothes even if they dehydrate to death. People will wear TIES in Neiva, even though the temperature is averaging 40 celcious degrees lately. Because ties look nice. But people will never wear shorts and a tshirt to a hospital.

I think I drifted really badly. I was talking about Kyle. Well, after I got in I was informed that, although he would be around for only 6 weeks, he would be assigned to my group during that time. I thought “yay! another novelty that will make my internship a bit more bearable”… and “way to practice my English”. Some of the people of the group started talking to him, and we were asking about his college and how he ended up here, and explaining a bit about this place, and what he was going to be doing around here, and a bit entertained about how he mispronounced things in Spanish, although it wasn’t bad at all.

All fun until the two girls in my group showed up, got all around the newcomer, smiled, took him apart, and later nobody could get close to him. They owned Kyle.

Later, the resident came around, asked about the new interns, we introduced ourselves, and he started distributing us in subgroups in a random way. The two girls again, surrounded the resident, caught him in their claws and nobody knows what happened but a second later they were assigned together, with Kyle to an unique group with less workload, and I was left again with only guys and 40 patients to check up for the next day.

I guess I’m not really ranting about girls here, I’m ranting about a certain type of (aggressive? dominant?) behaviour that gets them to choose groups and people, and benefits. Guys usually complain about how being male becomes a disadvantage with many things, and it would be just easier to be a girl, like that would bring them instant super convincing/manipulating powers. I don’t know if I agree. I suppose I could have also tried to monopolize the conversation with the exchange student to make him my friend and nobody else’s like they did (it would have been pretty easy: all I had to do was speak English, and that would have excluded everyone else, even “the girls”.) I could also have talked the Resident into placing me into a nice group, only by making eyes at him and asking “purty please” or any other little trick… and we’re not even talking about showing-some-skin tricks. It’s hell easier than that.

Except I’m not like that, at all. I’m not the kind of person who’s all intense and tries to manipulate and dominate… I’m more laid back. I usually have no interest in being the bosses friend, or everyone’s friend to gain their trust even if that would most likely give me some advantages. I’m apathetic to that. Except sometimes it has taken me to the point people just step on me because of that.

I start to wonder whether am I laid back in a good way, or am I just passive, and guilty of a not too wise behaviour. It’s clear that success in this world is about making the right connections. Nothing ever matters if you’re associated with the right people. At least that’s the impression I’m under these days…

And hell, I’m completely unable of making a short post. I have to wake up at 4 am tomorrow, and I probably won’t be coming to this blog that much after then. At least until I adapt to the crazyness of my new life.

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11 thoughts on “Intern, girls, kyle.

  1. good luck with your internship. i predict you’ll disappear off the blogosphere for quite a while. i lost two of my regular readers to medical internships previously!

  2. I feel like that about groups of girls too…they make me feel kind of uncomfortable. I’ve met lots of insecure manipulative guys in my time too, but girls seem to be like that a million times worse and it’s concentrated when they’re together in groups. I always liked being friends with good-looking guys cause they’re like the least insecure and pathetic people in the world. I know i’m making massive generalisations here, but you know what i mean.

  3. Haha gotta love good-looking guys.

    Well I’m doing pretty well with my current group of guys.

    This is haaard. I feel bad for not blogging because I’ve had so many ideas. I’m doing something and still think “hey, I could blog about this”, but then I realize I can’t!!! I worked 67 hours in the last 4 days. I’m not supposed to be here. lol

    But I’m not doing that bad after all, of course that feeling changes too often. I’m like “AHHHH I hate this!! get me the fuck out of here!!”.and 30 mins later “Hey this is coool!!!”.

  4. I guess I’m not really ranting about girls here, I’m ranting about a certain type of (aggressive? dominant?) behaviour that gets them to choose groups and people, and benefits.

    I find these types of women severely unattractive for several reasons. The most important reason is that their actions are an obvious indication of an average personality and I have a profound distaste for anything/anyone mediocre. They attempt to use aggression and dominance to mask this crucial fact and fail quite badly at it in the company of anyone with decent discerning abilities.

    I have an aggressive personality when it comes to things and people of interest. This is not a bad thing. Aggressiveness is only a problem when it is used to compensate for inferiority. It is because these women are inferior that they must put excessive effort into being noticed to the point of humiliating themselves.

    I cannot respect anyone who would go to such lengths to be not only accepted but to establish themselves among their peers as being ‘desirable.’ This is what it comes down to. Each attempt to dominate is really about giving the impression to others that they are so desirable no one can say no—a ridiculously impossible endeavour. Therefore it is not this poorly masked display of insecurity and low self-esteem itself that is off putting, but instead the attempts at faking it through humiliation.

    A genuinely superior individual feels no compulsion to constantly prove itself to others. Their superiority just IS. It requires no compensation and is self-sustaining. It naturally seeks equality and not dominance.

    Lastly, desirability in its truest form is fluid. Attempts at forcing it are counterproductive energy expenses at best and sheer obtuseness at worst.

  5. True that! I guess this kind of personality cannot be assigned only to women… Although it seems way more common.

    I’m rarely aggressive. I guess I’m more of a passive person, unless they mess with something I feel really strongly about, and even then I hesitate.

    Sometimes I wonder if a passive type of personality also seeks not to hide their inferiority but to display it as a protective mechanism, to avoid confrontation and such.

  6. True that! I guess this kind of personality cannot be assigned only to women… Although it seems way more common.

    Average people are similarly motivated, displaying diversity of action only in terms of gender. A non-aggressive/dominant heterosexual woman is more likely to notice and dislike this behaviour more in women than men because the shared gender automatically makes them ‘competition’ in the eyes of the offender. As such, these women will see no need to fawn over you—you are not the object of their affection—and will very likely step on you given the chance.

    Human beings react very much like other animals. A man/woman that considers itself an Alpha and places great value on that ‘status’ will enter a room and perform a quick check on who is more likely to jeopardize that status. After a while, their ‘alpha’ status is such an integral part of their identity that it is as unconscious as breathing.

    What is interesting is that the definition of a human Alpha to most is an individual who displays all around superiority and therefore desirability. Now, what is amusing is that these ‘Alphas’ have more a social dependence than the average person. Their Alpha status is a social construct. It is why when they are alone it ceases to exist. It can never be taken for granted. All it takes is the right kind of person to make it all disappear which explains their often irritating (to others) need to constantly prove their ‘status.’

    Genuine superiority and being an ‘alpha’ are generally not one and the same. As I said the previous post, true superiority is constant because it is a manifestation of an individual’s inner reality and not a social (outward) reality. The latter perpetually changes.

    Social Alpha males are usually as much of an annoyance to other males as Alpha females are to other females and for the same reasons. The differences are that male social Alphas will in most cases assert their dominance more physically than verbally—the equivalent of beating one another senseless with their penises—and in so painfully overlooking the crucial fact that directing mental/emotional strategies at the object of their affection is more effective than wasting energy on each other.

    Sometimes I wonder if a passive type of personality also seeks not to hide their inferiority but to display it as a protective mechanism, to avoid confrontation and such.

    It can be, but it is not the only possibility.

    The battles we choose to fight tend to be a reflection of our value hierarchies. For example, I may have an aggressive attitude, but that attitude circulates selectively. I see, I want, I relentlessly pursue until I lose interest. I am not easily offended. Yet, on the rare occasions that I am, you can be sure that I will calmly, clearly, and concisely state how unacceptable I find another’s behaviour to be. It is non-debatable and non-negotiable.

    Since my battles are few, whenever I have anything to object to others are sure to listen. Otherwise, devoid of any desire to prove and/or justify myself to others, I simply ‘go with the flow.’

    Asserting oneself need not resort in a fight. In fact, fighting is often the least cost-effective solution.

  7. Still, asserting oneself in a calm, clear and concise way seems to be the hardest thing to do. You need a great ability with words, for starting.

    I’ve realised that whenever I’ve gone against someone in a crazy, aggressive way, it’s because I couldn’t find any words to make my point even though I’m sure I have one. And this is the same reason why I most of the times just shut up and simply go with the flow instead of making a fool of myself with that least cost-effective solution.

  8. Still, asserting oneself in a calm, clear and concise way seems to be the hardest thing to do. You need a great ability with words, for starting.

    Hehehe.

    Few people can truly claim to possess mastery of language. More important than eloquence in such situations is the ability to remain calm and to effectively use the language skills you do have.

    I’ve realised that whenever I’ve gone against someone in a crazy, aggressive way, it’s because I couldn’t find any words to make my point even though I’m sure I have one.

    Is it that you do not know what your point is or that you do but cannot articulate it to your satisfaction?

    It is important to note that even if you believe you are not expressing yourself with enough eloquence, that it does not mean others are rating you in the same fashion. It is possible they understand exactly what you say. It is also very possible that the frustration of your perceived ‘incompetence’ acts as a self-fulfilling prophesy.

    I once briefly belonged to a debate forum. There were a few times when I thought a particular post of mine was an embarrassing display of intellectual inadequacy. The inconsistency between thought and written articulation in my mind was so abysmally wide I thought the only recourse was deletion of the disgraceful post. Yet, just as I was about to delete it, someone responded to my post with exuberant hails about my ‘creative’ and ‘intellectual’ prowess. Then another and another—this from a forum whose members would readily perform intellectual vivisection on you at the slightest provocation.

    My instinctive reaction was that they were posting stoned.

    I think one of the things you and I have in common is that we demand a great deal from ourselves. After further examination, I came to the conclusion that there had been nothing wrong with my post. It was as the posters had said—insightful and creative. The distorted view had originated from the fact that I knew there had been times when I had written better posts. I compared the post in question with the most I had produced in my lifetime and saw myself lacking. I made the error of entirely ignoring the sound scientific approach for making accurate comparisons—that is to compare not just with your own performance average but also with the performance average of the majority.

    In other words, I believe you may be working yourself up to the point of exploding. You think you are doing far worse than you are, proceed to recall all your ‘supposed’ past failures, and end up understandably angry. When you repeatedly beat yourself internally, you lose your focus—automatically and exponentially increasing your chances for failure. And, when angry, others do not hear your message.

    They only hear your anger.

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