My escaping measures…

….might have an explanation.

And many other things might have an explanation too.

I’m a doctor, or almost. I get to have the knowledge and the view inside of my mind too. Does that eliminate the problem of “my doctor doesn’t get me”? I should be able to make my own diagnosis and treatment too.

I have an hypothesis. Maybe what I’m going through doesn’t necessarily have to be a weakness of character anymore. I’ve already tried to view it in the way of a chemical imbalance, and gotten treatment but it didn’t work. Thing is, maybe it wasn’t the right treatment.


Atypical Depression

Features as a subtype of depression characterized by:

A. Mood reactivity (i.e., mood brightens in response to actual or potential positive events)
B. At least two of the following:

  1. Significant weight gain or increase in appetite
  2. Hypersomnia (sleeping too much, as opposed to the insomnia present in melancholic depression)
  3. Leaden paralysis (i.e., heavy, leaden feelings in arms or legs)
  4. long-standing pattern of interpersonal rejection sensitivity (not limited to episodes of mood disturbance) that results in significant social or occupational impairment
C. Criteria are not met for Melancholic Depression or Catatonic Depression during the same episode.
All three criteria fullfilled.
Hell, It even explains my coke addiction. My cravings for sugar in its most concentrated form.
My escape measures: Sleep and coke.
What I read about it could explain why the treatments I’ve had weren’t any useful. SSRIs are all I’ve had, but according to new research, they might not be the best option… Maybe I could try MAOIs.
Maybe I should try again. Maybe there’s still something that can be done.
I don’t want to die, but if things continue this way I might have to. Maybe not now, maybe not in 5 years.
But eventually. And not in a “all humans have to die” way. It sounds overly dramatic, and that’s why I didn’t make it totally public, but I just need to have it here for some reason.
I just hope it works.
“Is it a choice? What? Choice like… lets see… do I want strawberry or chocolate ice cream? Choice like I choose not to do drugs? So, I am choosing to be miserable? I choose to be my own worst enemy. I choose every thought in my head. I choose to be depressed, to cry, to be angry. I choose my emotions. I choose to yell at myself all day long for not being perfect. Oh yes, I CHOOSE all of this.