Abstract Selfishness

It’s not a good idea.

But is it my fear speaking? Or am I right and I’m just dreaming little girl’s dreams? Maybe I am just wanting to have a different life? Better?

Unrealistic expectations?

Will ANYTHING EVER be good enough for me?

What the hell is wrong? Why can’t I take life as it is? why am I never satisfied? Why am I always loking outside trying to get something better? I want satisfaction. I want to feel fulfilled. Why? That’s not the way life it’s supposed to be, life it’s supposed to be hard, with sacrifices.

I don’t mean I want it to be hard.

I just mean… I think I’m going to hit a giant brick wall after I realize the world isn’t the way I thought, after I go out and find out everything else (and everyone else) is just the same way than the things I loathe (and the people). And then I’ll be caught in a world I hate, and it’ll only be my fault, for expecting too much. Why am I expecting so much, who drew butterflies and rainbows in my mind, and why can’t I get rid of them?

But maybe, just maybe, the world and things I dream of may be just real, somewhere.

It’s nothign speficic.

I just want satisfaction.

I want real, steady satisfaction.

Not the crazy maniac episodes of fake excitement.

A little window showing what “happy” is but not letting me in completely.

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2 thoughts on “Abstract Selfishness

  1. I just mean… I think I’m going to hit a giant brick wall after I realize the world isn’t the way I thought, after I go out and find out everything else (and everyone else) is just the same way than the things I loathe (and the people). And then I’ll be caught in a world I hate, and it’ll only be my fault, for expecting too much. Why am I expecting so much, who drew butterflies and rainbows in my mind, and why can’t I get rid of them?.

    There may come a time when you encounter at least one person who radically differs in most or all the characteristics you have come to despise in others. Their uniqueness will be refreshing and you will find yourself looking forward to future interactions.

    However, since at the time of this post you have not met such a person and perhaps still have not at the time I write this comment, I would wager that you have already hit that brick wall. You already feel caught in a world you hate filled with people that cease to move you on a deep positive level. And in a world where most seem the same and you the odd one out, you have come to understandably believe it is you that is at fault. That it is you that is so shamefully deficient.

    To live on few or no expectations is to be a conformist and sadly most of humanity is a massive mindless drone. To be more like them then is not the least bit desirable. When you live in poverty life is difficult. When you live an emotional and mental existence that differs from most of humanity, life can be bleak and desolate. However, do not confuse a ‘hard life’ filled with thankless sacrifices to be the way reality is meant to be.

    There are two basic ways people can view their reality: what IS and what can BE. You belong to the latter whilst most belong to the first. As you have unfortunately discovered, the ‘what is’ group is all too content in beating into you their reality all the while conveniently forgetting that we would not be where we are today if not for innovators. The irony is that whilst innovators are few and often attacked in this world, it is they who ultimately shape the reality of the majority.

    You do not need to be ‘cured’ of idealistic tendencies and high expectations. You need to foster them. I can tell you that if you ever meet someone who not only shares your idealistic predilections but is also willing to exemplify them in their daily life, you will look back at the world from the outside in, see yours as the true reality and theirs as a life of craziness. It is when surrounded by at least one similar mind that you can see your desired reality come into fruition.

  2. I like the way you think.

    It’s something I’m constantly thinking of. Whether they’re right and I should wake up and smell the coffee, or maybe stay with the idea that I have a possibility to find something no one else has, or at least try to.

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