Am I finally exhaling atheism?

This morning I was sitting quietly on a chair at the reception of a tour agency waiting for my turn to get interviewed (long story).   There was another candidate in the chair in front of me.   Later a couple of women professing The Jehovah Witnesses came in with pamphlets.  I thought “oh no… here I go”, but then they limited to give a pamphlet to the other candidate and then said something about Jesus and left.  They didn’t even look at me.

Collecting

April Fools stuffs from the Web.

First of all, apparently Barak Obama is my cousin.  I logged into facebook and got this:

Sadly we don’t celebrate this day where I live, which means I’m pretty safe.   It’s all in the web.

Brain Bugs

When I created this blog, I didn’t intend it to be a journal on depression. I didn’t make any plans at all. I just wanted to have a mental record of a lot of things that don’t fit in my teeny tiny memory.

But reading the latest entries, I can see how everything spins around depression.   Boring.  Now, when I turn off the computer, things  don’t really change.  It’s not that I focus too much on feeling depressed, is that it’s all there is at the moment.

Right now I am very irritable, so much that every little sound pierces my skull, I can’t even stand the voices of my family, and rage builds up inside me when they decide to ask me what the hell is wrong.  Argh, people, just leave me the hell alone.  But at the same time, don’t go.

I’ve been sleeping most of the time, and this is weird even for me.  I’ve been sleeping over 16 hours a day without the help of any medication.  

The brain keeps going from one glitch to the other.

 

Random Happenings in Life

The teacher in charge of grading me for my work in the social medicine rotation has been extremelly patient but the month is almost over and I haven’t done anything.  I cannot see a moment when I’ll be able to, and then I panic when I think what my life will be like if I can never work.  O_O  This just can’t happen.

There’s no talking to people because I really have no patience for anyone out there.  No patience for their ignorance, their intolerance and their cheap advice.  I can’t deal with any of that now.  If I try, I would be rude with a lot of them, and I don’t want to.

Oh yes, the teacher I mentioned recommended me some practicioner who is especialized in alternative medicine.  Chinese stuff apparently.  I had to go because I really can’t say no to anything this person says because a lot in my “professional” life depends on what he has to say about me.  I think I have this unrealistic hope that someone will allow me to graduate because of everything I’ve done so far, and not care about the fact that I haven’t been able to complete the last 4 months.   (Like, oh yes, she’s so much better than a lot of people we’ve graduated from here, so what’s the harm?)

It would not cure my depression but at least I could rest a bit.  I could say “yes, I made it.  Even if I die right now I will have this one single acomplishment”.

Ah whatever.  It doesn’t really matter. It’s just one of those things you *think* is going to make you feel better but it probably won’t.   Now prepare for the rant to continue.

For the record, I don’t buy any of that alternative medicine crap.  It hasn’t shown to be better than placebo.  And it’s not that I dislike placebo.  I don’t.  I think placebo could help me, but in order for placebo to work I would have to be unaware that I’m being administered placebo in the first place.

Last Friday, the alternative medicine doc put some spiky things on my ears and gave me hypnotherapy.  During such hypnotherapy I seemed concentrated because I was trying my best not to laugh at the whole “new age” environment with the music and the bells.   For some reason, she has decided not to charge me in the 2 appointments i’ve had so far.  But she’s expecting me next week.  I’ll probably start rebelling against it the moment she starts charging, because that would give me an excuse to stop going there.  Plus, I’m actually broke.  So it would be more like a reason than just an excuse. 

Oh, my extended family has offered me to go see this “awesome person” in another city near here.  Probably more mumbo jumbo.  BUT I’m considering it.  The reason is that I’ve never been to that city before. It’s not too far and I think I could enjoy a trip… I’m just sad I don’t have my camera to record any of it.

WoW

I’ve been playing some World of Warcraft.

It’s a whole world, really big, where I am a human paladin.

Besides playing, which is really fun, in WoW you can do two things.

1.  When you fight, you can get beaten to death.  It sucks.  I mean, you reappear somewhere in a cemetery and have to walk and find your own body.  In real life you wouldn’t have to bother with that.

2.  You can get tired of playing and sign off.

 

I’ve noticed that in real life, when I’m really suicidal, I don’t want to do 1.  I want to do 2.  I wish I could sign off for a while.

I don’t want to get beaten to dead, I just want a break from it all.

Eternal Procrastinator

My brain is torturing me. Why does it do that?

I’m thinking that I don’t want to get better.

I go from not being able to get up from bed unless it is for some mindless activity that makes me forget who I am…

to not being able to sleep and wishing I could direct a fucking micro asteroid to fall just through my head and damage nothing else, so everyone thinks “oh, what a tragic accident, she had so much potential” and don’t really see how fucked up everything is.

Right now I’m this person with potential.

If I keep living, I’ll be this breathing nonsense. People don’t know but I’ve already given up, a while ago.

I have Avoidant Personality Disorder. They mention one of it’s features are “fixed fantasies”. Patients tend to keep this awesome fantasy that someday everything is going to get incredibly better, without their intervention.

I will magically have a job I actually love working with animals, living near a beach. I will magically have a group of friends that love me unconditionally. I will magically have enough money to know the planet, and also, I will magically live enough to learn everything I want to. Magically. From thin air.

The only thing that has kept me alive are dreams. But they are not real dreams, they are distractions. Unrealistic. I am completely unable to do any of that.

Which means that “surviving” is to stay in this shithole of a country, living off family members who pity you for everything that could have been but is not, having days go by watching the ants crawl up your body.

If that is “surviving” who the hell would want to survive. I don’t. I don’t really want to get better. I want to get my hands on something and squeeze the life out of it. But hey, I am out of energy, so it’s probably going to be me.

If I am not succesful, I will just wake up to see another day, fucking surviving this utterly meaningless existence.

Oh the angst. It’ll probably be over at some point and then I’ll lie flat on bed again not wanting to move.
Going to the other side is not conforting. I feel no better knowing that I won’t be this anxious later on. That is just me procrastinating.

Micro Asteroid. lol

I…

haven’t been enjoying coke lately.

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