This language

I took the IELTS almost a month ago. Although they said they’d send my results within 13 days, I still haven’t received anything.  I emailed them and they haven’t replied.  I have been procrastinating calling them, mainly because I really hate the phone.  I am waiting.

During the application process, I got asked where I studied English and for how long.  I answered something vague because I found out I didn’t know.  And, who reads forms anyway.

My mother language is Spanish.  I speak it everyday. I have never been abroad.  I went to a public school and a public university without much emphasis in language.  So how come I ended up learning English? To me it’s a little bit obscure, like if I hadn’t decided it.  I just woke up one day and realized I was able to communicate in this language, which was extremely fun and proved useful in more than one way.

Since then I just kept using it and by doing so, it magically got better with the time.

Fine, maybe not magically.  I know I can track it down… a little bit at least.

Looks like an interesting weekend…

Tonight I’ll be getting on a bus and sitting on my arse for 6 hours on my way to Bogota.

I’m taking the IELTS (‘International English Language Testing System’) tomorrow morning.  I registered for it some weeks ago. Until last Wednesday, it was still something unreal – although still scary.  Then I received a letter of confirmation and it hit me.  This is happening.  I’ll be taking this scary exam in less than 20 hours.

long post alert

No name

I woke up today at 5 am.  I finally had a full night of sleep and full color dreams.

I was dreaming that I was in a medical mission that was at the same time a military mission, it required us to go through the jungle and avoid being shot.  It is a long thing, but the thing that stands above all was how difficult it was to move.  I didn’t realize I was dreaming, I just blamed my bad physical shape. I could barely breathe.

I woke up fine.  It is a feeling I haven’t had in weeks.  To feel “fine”.  It is surprising especially after yesterday. Yesterday was a bad day in all ways.  The climax of depression, the opposite perhaps.  The suicidal thoughts racing through my head.  The feeling that I had finally crossed an invisible line I had not crossed before.  I cannot stand my own house.  I made myself go out and see a friend.  It made it all worse.  I felt dead, non reactive, like someone could have beaten me to death with a stick and nothing would change (it is funny, almost).  I thought about taking a bus and getting off it in a place where nobody could find me.  I had so many ideas and the incipient urge of putting them all into practice.  Disgust, apathy, loneliness, worthlessness, hopelessness, and my body wouldn’t even show it.  I could not talk.  I didn’t feel like I was in my body anymore.  I was dissociating.

I did take a bus but after a 40 minute ride I decided against it.  I was exhausted.  I went back.  I took half a pill of olanzapine and curled up in my bed instead.

I am still not sure it is all worth it.

know what’s worse? This is something you’ve said so many times in the past…

Broken Record.

Not moving too much anyway

Control

The weather in my mind:  I’m floating, everything is quiet.  I love clouds, I love them.  On the other hand, there’s nobody left in this world. I’m alone and I’m slowly falling down to nothingness.  Even the things that seem to be there are only imaginary.  It is not a world imposed on me, as any interruption from real life is intercepted by huge striking lightning.  I want to float quietly into a spiral of self destruction.  I often feel like I don’t know how to live in the real world.  For weeks it has been like that.  The real world is too heavy and undesirable. Maybe I am a fictional character who accidentally crossed a barrier and is lost trying to cling on a world that doesn’t exist.