Can’t take my eyes off of you…

I thought it would pass.  But I’m entering week No. 2 since I watched one trailer from “Batman:The Dark Knight“.   Ever since I sat there in front of my tv and I saw this insane clownish villain, I was taken.

It has been annoying for me to see the hype that surrounds the death of Heath Ledger.  And The Dark Knight success as a result of what it would seem an incredible marketing campaign (if it was on purpose, but of course this isn’t the case…).   It almost seems like people  only praise Ledger and the movie, because he’s dead.   I suppose in some cases this may be true.  I was recently reading Seaneens blog where she acknowledges how the hype might have been somewhat bigger than the real deal in regards to the movie.  Not surprising I guess.  But I had no such expectations.

Two weeks ago I had no idea that Heath Ledger existed, much less that he had died.  I fell in love with the joker without knowing who he was behind the character, or that he had passed.   In some way I’m happy that I was able to get a relatively unbiased opinion about the character without the compassionate factor, or whatever you call it.   I only saw the character and thought it was amazing.   I laughed like hell and the first thing I did afterwards was to go online and google him to figure out who that awesome actor was.

About the movie itself… well, I liked it.  I liked the ending which is a lot to say.  But I’ve never been a fan of Batman or comics in general, so it’s not too meaningful for me.  Without the joker I would have forgotten about it very soon.

So, I googled for “joker” and “the dark knight” and I got a name.  “Heath Ledger“… didn’t ring any bells really.   A rather weird name in my opinion.  That’s all.  I was surprised then to see lots of “RIP”s around his name, but my first thought was that I probably misspelled the weird name; how could he be dead if I just saw him and this a new movie? ha.

It turns out I did know Heath from other movies.   I saw “10 things I hate about you” about 3 years ago on TV.   But I couldn’t believe it was the same guy.   I remember I thought he had the most gorgeous smile in the world (seriously), and I had lots of fun watching the movie, because that’s “the one where you can also see Julia Stiles” and “that girl from Alex Mac is there!!“.  In the movie he also let a little bit of his Aussie accent come through, so that killed me.

I don’t usually care for celebrities… I don’t watch E! channel, I skip the celebrity gossip section, I know about Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse because they’re all over the place.   If someone famous dies, the reaction I would expect from myself would be “Yeah, whatever… Sucks, doesn’t it?”   So I couldn’t understand why I was so sad when I realized Heath was gone…

Maybe it is the fact that I had just discovered of his existence to realize it was never really there at the time.  It’s like I discovered a ghost.   I was ashamed of myself for being sad, and of course my friends helped me by mocking me when I told them about it.  Then I expected I would play along and laugh at the whole deal too, but I just stayed sad.

Until this moment I thought I was the only one being stupid.  But when I found so many people around the internet claiming that they have been crying over it, I wanted to dig a hole and bury myself.   I don’t know if it’s this complex of mine about wanting to be “the only one”, “the special one”, etc.   I know I act like that sometimes, it is one of my flaws.  

If I’m a freak, then at least I want to be the only freak in the room.

Crazy.  And you’d think that make me get over it.  Well… NOPE.

I can’t get over it.  Not yet at least.  I have been watching all of his movies and interviews like he was an old friend of mine.  Amazed every time.  I watched Brokeback Mountain, I watched Batman… again, I watched 10 things… again, and I watched Lords of Dogtown.  I  even downloaded the scene of 10 things where he sings “Can’t take my eyes off of you”.

The only reason I haven’t watched A Knight’s tale, Casanova or Candy, it’s because I have no access to such movies in here.   I loved what I’ve seen so far, he’s completely different in each one of his roles.  The Joker is absolutely amazing.  Heath completely disappears into him.  I watched Batman yet again this afternoon and I got lost in the character… again.  The Joker is the best thing I’ve seen… and I can say it without fear because I thought the same before I knew all the things that surrounded the actor who played the crazy character and died shortly afterwards.

So, I am inside this vortex, while I laugh at myself.  I shouldn’t be feeling this for someone I never knew.  But I am.  I really hate it that he’s gone.   I have been outside in some random street when it comes back to me and I say to myself:  “sucks that you’re gone”.   I have had dreams where he shows up at my door dressed as the joker and tells me that he’s not actually dead,  he just had been kidnapped for a while.   Then he becomes his normal self and makes a call and goes away in a plane.

I have even thought of his daughter and how she’ll never know her daddy.  He’ll always be some ghostly idealized figure to her.   The thing she never had for real.

And then I laugh again for being such a sentimental girly.

Oh, c’mon! This is ridiculous.   Like there wasn’t enough people grieving him that are not random strangers who didn’t even know of his existence 2 weeks ago.  Plus the huge mob of crazy fans.

Still… every time I re-watch some of his movies or something on youtube about him, I think “Awesome! Can’t wait to see what he does next!” and then it hits me again.

There won’t be a next time.   There’s nothing beyond this.  Nothing.  Game over.

And the world will keep moving on.  Like it always does.

BOOB ALERT

Not mine.

I found this picture some days ago, while surfing through my blogroll.

Amanda Palmer (Dresden Dolls) and 4 other of her friends, celebrating for their new tent.  Topless.

It’s a picture that makes me smile every time I see it.  It’s natural, funny, and refreshing.

I like it because these are women like myself (normal), and they’re not afraid of doing something like that because they freaking want to, only because they lack model bodies – full, symetrical breasts with incredibly flat waists and a perfect tan.

I like it because they can use parts of their body in a fun way without hypersexualising them…

Look! their boobs are on public view! They’re out there! Hide them! You are disrespecting yourselves and tempting men!

I was recently reading a local magazine that featured a muslim woman defending their use of the Hijab (wish I could find the article online! Grrr! Sorry).  I am not going to get deep into this, I’m NOT going to talk about the religion or the culture. I just wanted to note something the woman said about the Hijab.  She basically says that by covering all her grown female parts, (mouth and ears included) she’s making sure that whenever she talks, people are paying attention to her words and not her sexuality.

Another article says:

“A female doctor, writer, electrician or plumber may be appreciated in the work environment for her skill, but is still basically seen as “just a woman.” But put her in Hijab so that what makes her a woman cannot be appraised and all of a sudden you are dealing with a person...”

Of course I’d hate to be treated as “just a woman“.  I live in a culture that  has lots of residual sexism in the minds of the average person.  The housewife, the mother, the fragile rose that needs to be protected, cared for and marked as part of the territory.  Women like to be roses and men like to own them.

I absolutely hate this, and it’s partly why I often feel like a stranger in this Latino culture I don’t belong to.  But that’s another topic.

In my opinion; It is the sexist mindset, not the fact that I am a woman what would cause people to see me as “just a woman“.

Why would I ever have to hide it?  And isn’t hiding it in such an active way actually highlighting the fact that there’s something forbidden in there?

That doesn’t mean I will post my boobs out here, or go outside in a see-through baby doll with fleshy glossy lips.  (Hypersexualised me… I’ll leave that for other times… when I’m looking for a sexual objective).

I’m a female human.  I have arms, legs eyes and boobs (o.O mind-blowing!) among a hundred other organs.  I could wish that looking at boobs was as normal as looking at hands…

Of course, in most human cultures, the breasts are sexual… and that’s cool.  But are they ONLY sexual?  The lips and tongue can be sexual and can be a BIG part of sexuality.  But, when you’re speaking or eating, are they sexual? (well, I don’t know what you’re into).

Some people tend to be very wary of women breastfeeding. But babies need to eat whenever they’re hungry, so the boob is going to pop out and scare you if you’re not expecting it.  “Boobs are only sexual” comes into your unconcious mind, and this thought, plus the sight of a baby and milk and sucking will make it Gross for you.

Boobs can be beautiful in a very artistic way.  Interesting shadows and lights.  A very nice composition.  I wouldn’t mind to be the model of this photo, and I wouldn’t feel like my privacy has been taken or that I’m being immoral or that I objectizise women or myself.

Boobs can also be left out for some fun whenever we want to, not sexual.

And finally, if we do want to use them in a sexual way, well, bring it on!

The World is Getting Better Everyday, and so is my life.

Today I ran into a person I know from uni. While talking to her I sensed how she felt the world is much worse now than say, 100 years ago. She mentioned things like pollution, overpopulation and an apparent corruption of ethics in most humans. Then she went on a religious rant about people getting away from God and such, but that’s beneath the point.

It’s not the first time I’ve heard people say that nowadays humanity is at its worst, and it’s falling even lower as we speak. And I’m not only talking about older people; It seems to be a collective perception. In Spanish, there’s a very popular saying that says “Todo Tiempo Pasado Fue Mejor”, which can be literally translated as “Every past time was better than now”. I don’t know if English speaking people have a similar saying.

Do you think that the past time was better? I don’t.

I think the world is getting better everyday. Maybe the air was less polluted back then, the rivers were cleaner, and definitely, there were fewer pregnant teenagers. However, the concept of people living quietly, respecting the neighbors, the children being obedient, while married couples never divorced, to me is like a fairy tale that has nothing to do with the real thing.

Lets take our time machine and go really back then. Cavemen could barely live, so they wouldn’t worry much about anything else that was not being killed and eating enough not to die before reproducing. The first civilizations created reservoirs of food and water, and safer living conditions. With this, they were able to go into other issues: war, diseases, hierarchy. A flu could kill you, as well as not listening to the current authority.

Let’s jump to European civilizations. The children mortality was still high as it could be, and men died in wars, and people kept dying of flu and tuberculosis. There was no freedom of speech. When the church gained more power, people died for speaking their minds. Women died for doing nothing! If you were a woman in the middle age, and someone didn’t like you, chances are they would accuse you of being a witch and you’d die. No discussion. The middle age lasted 1200 years! 1200 years and nothing changed whatsoever, no discoveries were made because of fear, so the same old things applied, and people kept dying and being abused. Renaissance and the illumination was a better time to live than middle age, sure, but the social hierarchies still played a role, the poverty killed thousands, and people kept dying of flu! Ever heard about an aunt saying they want to have their baby at home because “that’s how it was done before”?, Well, before the prenatal and perinatal death rate was HUGE. We have our babies in bubbles of protection now with the hospitals and vaccines and esterilizing practices. The prenatal and perinatal dead rate, as well as the dead rate of woman for obstetric causes is a marker of the health status of each country, and most developed countries make sure these markers stay low.

Let’s go back to the time machine and go into last century. Sexism, intolerance, and diseases. But this is when the clock starts to accelerate and the freedom is increased, and the minds start to shine.

Are you scared because of AIDS and cancer and how many people die because of it? Well, we are currently facing the lowest mortality rate ever as a species we’ve ever had. Overpopulation is a sign of our sucess as species and constitutes a new problem. As well as the obesity epidemy is a sign of our sucess at accumulating resources and safety. We’re winning too many trophies and we don’t know what to do with them. You think having a flu is easy? well, it is NOW.

Humans cause problems, but at the same time they try to fix them. Then some new problems arise, but humans are always paying attention. And the clock is moving faster than ever, and more solutions will be found. And more problems will arise.

Good or bad, humans will come up with a solution. If it means the biological beings eventually dying and humans making their way with technology and robots, that’s still a solution. Sounds scary, but, what would a person from the 18 century say about the internet?

When asked in what time would I want to reborn if I had the chance to, I would l say: Now, or maybe even: In The Future.

May the past stay very far from me.

*

Do you think the past was any better? When? and How?

If not, What do you think was the worst that has been left behind?

*

I’ll leave you with another one of the incredibly retarded flash animations that give me one-hour laughing fits every time.

The End of The World.

Personal Victory

Wow, I have so many ideas for blogging. But I find myself unable to elaborate. Yesterday I typed continuously on my word processor, but after 2 or 3 hours, I decided to delete the file.

Last week I spent the whole time on bed, doing nothing. I didn’t want to have contact with anyone, I didn’t want to give explanations, I got away from everyone, it’s better that way.

If depression was like going deep in a dark sea of confusion and despair, right now I’m heading back to the surface. But there’s no one waiting for me to come back up. I can’t express how much I wish to have some deep contact with someone now, I want to hug someone and tell them that I have not drown after all! I have a sense of acomplishment I wish to share…

I don’t feel bad, after all, I know that this is something that matters to me and to me only.

And it’s still a happy moment, as sad as this post seems to sound.

About my friends

This was meant to be a comment for SULZ, but I decided to be selfish and use this good blog material for my own post. Also copying JUAN’s behaviour who was selfish before me.

The subject is how you treat friendships, and which concept applies to you: Are you a Universalist or a Particularist on regards to this? NOTE: Will appreciate it if you have further information in the subject. I am looking for good sources to read about this, so for now I will not add a link for it. I’d also appreciate it if you read Sulz post since this is my reply to it, and bear with me for now.

This is very interesting. I think I have heard about this concept somewhere, but I never paid too much attention until now. Right now it’s perfect for me to learn about this, because it’s something I’ve been thinking about recently… how do I treat my friendships and why.

Still, I don’t know if I can draw a line and just place myself on one side or the other. But I guess I’m much more of a Particularist. I will consider every situation taking on account the specific factors that apply to THAT situation, and will change my point of view if given new evidence. There is nothing that is Universal enough to be applied for every situation or relationship…

In regards to friendships, I am NOT an all-or-nothing person. On the contrary, everything is gradual and full of gray shades to the point I don’t think there’s anything white or black in this area. My opinion towards a particular friendship change according to situation and the changes are rarely definitive. I’m always open to learn why they do this or that, and I believe I can be extremely understanding, even when it hurts me. I have developed good empathy powers, and I have become able to place myself in the other person’s place until I almost forget my own point of view. Almost… I do value my happiness, and I’m not such a good friend at times. If I’m overwhelmed by something I’m likely to withdraw and not feel like interacting with the people around me, no matter how much I care. I’ve realized not everyone shares my ability to just understand the situations like I do with other people… and not everyone understands that even though I might withdraw from time to time, being pretty much oblivious to everything that is happening around me to the point I might not notice that you’re having a bad time if you don’t tell me. This does not mean I don’t care about you. If you could somehow let me know that you need me, you’ll realize that I’ve always been there and will probably not go away no matter what I do or what you do.

It’s not a sign that I can be stepped on and will be unconditional just because I want to stay friends with you. This would make me prone to getting slapped on the face all over the place several times. It would be a sign of neediness, and would make me extremely vulnerable to abuse.

I like to think that I like to decide what value I put in a relationship, depending on many different factors, but NOT depending on the level of correspondence of the other person. How I feel about YOU will be independent (as much as it can be) of how you feel about ME. If it happens to be equal, you will probably become my best friend, but it’s not the main objective (although desirable). I know I have friends who I love considerably more than I think they love me, but it doesn’t become a problem because I’m aware I don’t want to define my value of the friendship by trying to guess where the other person is. To me it is a game where you’ll most likely fail, if you’re expecting everyone to feel for you the same way you feel about them.

I might fall in love with you, and stay in love with you even if I know you’re not in love with me. It is completely independent. On a smaller scale it is like my blogroll. I place there the blogs I LOVE to read, not caring the less if they love reading mine the same way. I might feel like giving you a present, not caring the less if you’re giving me one back. I am not playing games with you, I am not playing a competition on who loves who more. I am going to love you based on everything but your correspondence. If you correspond me with the same level of love, awesome! But I’m still aware the dynamics might change anytime if new situations arise.

I am also aware that there are people who love me considerably more than I love them. And if they are Universalists, I’m sure it might become a problem…

and it has.

My Kriptonyte

Sometimes when reading other blogs, besides thinking about the authors story itself, you find yourself dwelling about your own experiences.   Sometimes a big time path is open, and you have no other option than to write your own blog on the feelings that have been relived.  I guess it’s blog inspiration, but me being me, I always make everything sound more complicated than it is.

I got inspired by this paragraph at Sulz’s referring to an old friend of hers:

“So, I left her before she could hurt me even more. It was a stupid and immature decision, but I felt like nobody understood my position. I had way more insecurity issues back then and I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it. I just did what I knew best, leaving the party when the fun is over.”

I felt it was my own brain talking, except I didn’t put it into words myself. 

I’ll call the subject of my own story Serena.  Just to avoid excessive pronouns.

Serena is now working as a doctor in a little town.  We started school together but I was left behind due to my “time outs”, so she graduated first.   I met her when I was 11 years old.  When I was 13 we were best friends, and stayed that way for over 6 years.  Despite how things turned out, I owe her many things, knowledge about life, culture, music, the world, independence.   I always saw her as my older sister, I admired her, loved to spend time with her hearing about her adventures.  She always had something to say.  I always wanted to listen.  She was my role model, I would believe anything she said.

We were really close and everyone in college knew it. After our friendship finally ended, something that I can trace back to about three years ago, people around us talked.  Some people said they knew it was going to happen because we were very different people, and didn’t understand how we became friends in the first place.  Some seemed to be incredibly happy for her because they saw me as the shy apathetic little sister with problems, who holds back the older, wiser, more likeable sister from having the fun in life she deserves.   Some were actually happy for me, they accused Serena of being overbearing and manipulative, and that she was trying to make a mini her out of me.  That I was her little project.

I was the direct cause of our friendship to end.   One day I just cut the friendship from the roots, I stopped speaking to her, looking at her.  I cut her out completely.  I had tried to do the same thing, more subtlety a few times before that moment, but she always found the way back, she always understood, she was always patient, she always tried to make it better.  She helped me even though I was hurting her constantly all due to my immaturity and serious insecurity problems.  I’ve always thought the most insecure people are the most dangerous.  I was the dangerous one, unstable, my mind switched from love to hate really quick and the nicer she got the more horrible I was.  I noticed this, but it only made me bitterer.  When I was with her I was a horrible person.  When I was away from her, I was a great person.  I didn’t go away earlier because I always thought it was a stupid situation, that I could fix it, that I was so aware of my own evilness that I would be able to control it, to will it away and be a friend to her like she was to me.  

It never went away. 

Despite being for the most part a great and caring friend, she had her own issues.  Serena is dominant, never shows a weakness, always has the truth, and always speaks with affirmation sentences instead of “I think”, “I believe”.  She had a rough past; but turned out into a strong, independent woman with clear goals and opinions.  Somebody like that coupled with someone like I used to be: a little girl who is just exploring the world, who has an inferiority complex and is always second guessing herself is a combination made in hell.  For that I do give myself some slack.  Her strength twisted my mind and increased my weakness.    

I knew her deeply, I knew more than that, and I shouldn’t have let myself be tricked by her dominance.  But I did… I fell, and badly.  At some point of time I was so filled with self-hate, absolute envy, that everytime I saw her I couldn’t help but seeing how horrible I was compared to her.   I was always wrong, at least when she was around.  I was always listening, not because I had nothing to say.   I just didn’t dare to talk, maybe she would argue with me about my opinions (she probably would have, and I would not have the tools to fight back.   

Whenever something good happened to me, I wouldn’t tell her anymore.  I didn’t tell her about my first kiss, about my first date, and about a bunch of things friends tell each other about.  I was sure she would ruin it.  So I was living two separate lives.  The one as her best friend, going by the flow, by her plans, her music, her food.  She was the cool girl, the one with awesome ideas and a great idea of fun, always happy, always confident.  The other life I had was by myself, my music, my plans, my everything alone, in my world or with other people I didn’t feel threatened by.  I could not mix the two.  All I wanted was to make her part of my plans but I was terrified it would ruin them, not because of something she would do, but because I would start comparing and going paranoid about how lame my stuff was.  It was too much work.  It was exhausting to think so much and to feel so threatened all the time.  I kept trying to remember the good things, tried to be good, and tried to love her back, but I was too envious to do so.

When I started feeling just a bit good whenever something bad happened to her, I knew I had to stop it.  I was turning from attacking myself, to attacking her so I didn’t have to attack myself anymore.

I couldn’t allow myself to become like that… I was horrified of myself by that point.

So I did what I do best: I ran away, using a silly fight as excuse.  Disappeared from earth before she could keep on hurting me.  I remember thinking of her as my kryptonite.   It was an unbearable situation and despite the immaturity that motivated it, even now I think it was best that I stepped out.  I needed to live my life by my own truth, my own mistakes, and my own things without her influence. 

I grew up a lot ever since.  I learned so many things.  I didn’t see her much around, and when I did, we acted like strangers.

Last June, I was falling badly into depression again, not in a way I couldn’t handle, except the stress started to pile up and kept on piling up and didn’t stop.  The lack of coping mechanisms I had in the moment was serious, and the pressure was increasing.  I had a crisis, I couldn’t cope, I was panicking and I stopped everything I was doing. I couldn’t cry, couldn’t speak, and couldn’t move.  The feeling was overwhelming.

The next thing I know, Serena is talking to me, comforting me, hugging me, and cheering me up.

I think I started crying, because I didn’t understand the situation.  My brain was asking “did I finally go nuts?”.   It made no sense.

She never showed hard feelings, she kept behaving like a patient sister despite it all.  It only made me feel worse. 

After I got myself together, I thought I’d probably had grown up enough to be her friend and deal with her superiority complex given that I don’t have an inferiority complex anymore.

I apologized in a heartfelt but vague way, because to be honest, this reasoning I’m doing now… when I broke the friendship, I had no idea.  I didn’t know why exactly I was doing it; I just felt I had to run.

I still don’t know what’s going to happen.  I’ve talked to her lately, and it has been a success.  I’m more confident and share more stuff.  It’s going well, but it still feels like a huge risk.  I’m afraid that if we get close again, that side of me I don’t like to see will resurface.