Personal Victory

Wow, I have so many ideas for blogging. But I find myself unable to elaborate. Yesterday I typed continuously on my word processor, but after 2 or 3 hours, I decided to delete the file.

Last week I spent the whole time on bed, doing nothing. I didn’t want to have contact with anyone, I didn’t want to give explanations, I got away from everyone, it’s better that way.

If depression was like going deep in a dark sea of confusion and despair, right now I’m heading back to the surface. But there’s no one waiting for me to come back up. I can’t express how much I wish to have some deep contact with someone now, I want to hug someone and tell them that I have not drown after all! I have a sense of acomplishment I wish to share…

I don’t feel bad, after all, I know that this is something that matters to me and to me only.

And it’s still a happy moment, as sad as this post seems to sound.

The source of all my power. Oh, my God, what have I done?

Uninspired.

Do you remember one episode of Friends, when Chandler got rid of his third nipple?

I stopped my wallowings because I haven’t been depressed in at least 6 weeks.  Truly.  This blog is like a mood journal.  I had a panic attack two weeks ago, but it was reactive and self limited, like all emotions should be.  I’ve been sad, I’ve been happy, I’ve been bored.  Like a normal person would.

Contentness just doesn’t produce many entries.

So, blogging is slow these days.

But it is a good thing.  Would give up 100 of these blogs to stay under control.

And just like chandlers jokes, my entries are not that good to be missed if they’re gone!

I’m not going away though, blogging it’s still a habit, and I’m bad at stoping bad habits.  I’ll still feel the ocasional, or frequent urge of coming here and typing my mind out, however boring or confusing it might be.

And however corny, because normal, content people tend to be like that.

One Star Is Enough.

Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work. One day, as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up.

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean. He came closer still and called out “Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?”

The young man paused, looked up, and replied “Throwing starfish into the ocean.”

“I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?” To this, the young man replied, “The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them in, they’ll die.”

Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, “But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can’t possibly make a difference!”

At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said, “It made a difference for that one.”

- The Star Thrower, by Loren Eiseley

When I was in 7th grade or so, a storyteller event took place in our school. A girl went on stage, and told us all a story, that for some reason, I still remember. Today I took the time to find it again, along with the authors name, which I ignored all this time.

I brought it back because of the feeling of helplessness I’ve been dealing with lately. I know will go insane if I keep focusing on how hard is it to fix it all when you’re just a human.

My patients in the mental unit, they’re actually awesome. I’m having a good time right now. I still think most cases are tragedies followed by more tragedies, but for some reason, I have a feeling that everything can be fixed. It can get better. Maybe only 0.001% of the people I ever come accross will get some kind of benefit from me, but for that one person, it might mean the world and it’s all what matters to keep going.

Don’t you love things that inspire you?

Either is the story of the haircut I did myself!!! Pictures coming soon.

Have fun people.

New Year,New Life, New Room.

It’s nightime. 8 o’clock. I should be watching Gossip Girl, but it’s one of those repeat episodes again, and I can’t bother. I know, I love the idiot box. I’m a couch potato.

My nose is specially fucked up today – I have hayfever + spent the afternoon swimming which makes the allergies even worse + cointidentially hit my nose with a pool stick, instead of hitting the ball (imagine the clumsyness). Besides all this, it’s been a good day, a good week, a good month, and a good year SO FAR.

Maybe it was an attempt to apply the “New Year, New Life” thing, I don’t know. But, last night, out of the blue, I decided to move everything I have to another room in the back of the house. I disasembled and reassembled the bed, carried heavy furniture, reinstalled electricity in the right places, and was done before 10 pm (took me about 3 hours). It was like I had been possessed by something. My family was staring in bewilderment but they didn’t say much… and didn’t help much either.

Anyway, my new room is great. It’s the same 21-year-old bed, the same EVERYTHING; but it has a window from where I can see the patio, and it actually gets COLD at night, and gets LIGHT on daytime. My old room, although like twice as big, felt a lot more suffocating. It was located in the middle of the house with only a small window. The air didn’t circulate, it was hot all day and night (after my last fan broke, I haven’t been able to get a new one.) It was so hot that it had become a habit to take a shower at nights and to sleep naked. 0.O (It started with me going to bed in PJs and waking up topless, without any recolection of taking anything off. Later it extended to nakedness, and eventually one day I caught myself taking off the clothes kind of automatically. Lately I just couldn’t bother to get in the PJs at all.)

The light didn’t know my old room either, no problem, I have artificial light, of course. But the whole thing still felt like a cave. Besides changing rooms, I got rid of a lot of crap I didn’t even knew I had, and took off everything from the walls that I didn’t even remember.

So, here it is. It looks normal, but I love being in there now. It’s cozy, cool, and I think I can keep it a bit more organized. I still need to paint it, and fill my walls with new stuff aswell.

Improvised Feng Shui. HAHA yeah right.

Now, seriously; changes rock, even if they are so subtle they only mean something to you.

Have you grown at all?

It’s been strange to turn 20, now 21, and it keeps on going (or so I’ve been told). It made me think whether I’m really growing, not just getting older (and I mean growing as a person, I’m not that silly to think I’ll ever stop being a dwarf). Many times I still think of myself as the kid I’ve been for most of my life. I can’t get that I’m an adult. No, adults are those grown up, alien people. I’m not that. I was born a kid and will always be one.

But something has definitely changed. It hits me when I’m at work and people treat me like an adult. It hits me inside my own family. It hits me when I look in the mirror and my doe eyes are turning strangely older. Is it all bad? I think I had a good childhood (almost a fairy tale childhood except for the school bullying). But I didn’t have such a good teenage life. I spent most of it inside medical school, depressed, neurotic, going over the edge. I’m not fussed over staying a teenager. There must be something I’ve turned around for good. Is there something I can refer to as “this is not something I would have pulled out 5, 4 years ago…But I can do now?”.

I’ve stopped trying to be things I am not. I can’t say I’m completely over it, but it has improved a lot. I had an obsession about wanting to be everything, know everything, do everything. But mostly I was just so ashamed of myself I thought anything else was good but me. I used to be jealous of everything and everyone. Being around anyone was painful for me, because my mind was just focusing of how much of the other person I lacked. “He can write great songs… why can’t I?, I suck!”.  It was exhausting.

I stopped thinking that dating was an impossible skill I would never get.  I have been a #1 geek most of my life. I used to think I had gotten lost in the school of life and I was wandering around trying to find my way just when the other kids were having dating classes. My love life can be summed up in a little notebook. First kiss at age 15, me running away afterwards in shame and confusion, leaving the guy all dazzled (Speaking of that, I saw that guy on tv yesterday. Pretty awesome.) I had an “online boyfriend” that year too, for like a couple of months or less, who is now a sweet, good overseas friend, and is engaged now (with a real-life woman fyi!… or so we all think). Then two years went by trying to recover from first kiss… until a crazy 17th birthday at a friends house, got me drunk and had me french kissing like 3 people on the same night, 2 of them being woman. (I know, I skipped a few steps there.) Later a couple of dates here and there. A lot of lying trying to cover my lack of experience with over-seductive behavior and embarrassing myself a lot. A couple of less-than-a-month “boyfriends”. Then like 3 years of nothingness when I got worst into my depression. Later a friend who was dating me while I was thinking he was just a friend (now I can see I was really dumb because he wasn’t that subtle after all). That ended up bad I think. And finally my “August” (think of “Sweet-November” the movie). I don’t know if he extended to September, October and November. It’s still blurry but it’s most likely to finally end when he graduates and goes into his “Real – Doctor” life in 5 days. I’m not in love with him or anything, but it’s been a good experience. There are still some issues I have to deal with, but in general I can say that dating is not an impossible thing to do.

I stopped thinking my mind worked different ways than the rest of the humans. I feel normal even by being a weirdo. Most of the times…

I don’t feel as a loner as much as I used to. I learned to adapt to other people being different and enjoy my time with them, otherwise just get away, not linger while wondering “why I’m such a weirdo I can’t get along with them”.

I stopped feeling bad because I enjoyed being alone. I can go home on a Saturday night because I want to, not because I have nothing else to do.

I stopped trying to make everyone happy just so I could fit. I can be a bitch right now. I can make people feel bad if I really want to. And it turns out I don’t want it too often. But at least I know I’m good to the people I really want to be good with.

I don’t feel ashamed of my flaws as often as I used to. I think this blog has helped a lot for that. I think blogs of people in my blogroll have also helped more than I’ll ever tell. Like, hey, first time I ever read Tanya’s blog was on DeviantArt when I was looking through pictures and photos, and stumbled upon one blog called “Your flaws make you beautiful” (by the way I can’t find the link to that one anymore, has it been deleted?). I started reading all of her DA blogs since then and seeing all of her photography.  Pretty cool stuff.

I’ve stopped being scared when “euthymic“, scared that I would get depressed again anytime and trying to avoid it at all costs. Instead I acknowledge that I might get depressed again, as I’ve had several relapses over the years. But I won’t enter that field unprepared again… or at least I will have a bit of a hope that it can be beaten because it has happened before.

I’ve gained lots of weight! 10 kilograms since I was 16. I used to have a BMI of like 17, an overeater twiggy.  BTW I need to stop it now.

I’ve been feeling more comfortable in my own country, while I used to wish I could get out of it as soon as possible. I’m still not patriotic, I still want to live somewhere else, but I’ve calmed down from those times when I thought I would happily go work as a prostitute rather than staying here one more second.

I’ve became a full atheist instead of agnostic. I’ve also calmed down and tried to avoid all religious debates. It’s just my way to think and I can’t force anyone to think that way.

I know all these changes may disappear or be forgotten, especially when my depression attacks. But it’s just great to realize that not all is bad. Not all the time at least. This all reminds me of Sulz reference to flaws about “self acceptance or self improvement?” I say self improvement, but most of the improvement I’ve mentioned has really consisted on self acceptance. So which one is it?

So, do you think you have grown over the years?  Or is there a moment or age in your life you’d rather be right now?

Happy Nessa’s birthday to everyone!

Yes, it’s a public holiday now.Everyone has to… uhh… spin on your head and wear orange clothes.

Don’t ask.

Apparently I am, as of today, Twenty-One years old.

21.

21…

21…

It doesn’t make much sense.

People have asked me what it feels like to be twenty one.

Well, it’s pretty much the same thing I’ve felt every birthday.

Just getting old and more confused.

Despite my ramblings, today was a good day actually. I had to work ALL day, but my mates gave me lots of food and spoiled me. That’s all I need to be happy. Jaime made me remember that time when I had my 16 birthday at uni and he gave me a chocolate bar… I was such a little girl. I used to have a crush on him back then, and he was really annoying back then. It’s kind of cool that we ended up being good friends… gosh… he’s all grown up now. I’m so proud of him. Edgar made me an improvised cake with matches as candles. Juan bought me an ice cream but I was too full to eat it. I think I left it in the fridge at the hospital! I hope he doesn’t find it.

I ended up filled with candy like a piñata, and covered in colored paper, again, like a piñata, just to arrive home and find a huge cake.

I’m going to wake up tomorrow at 4 am, older and more lost. And probably with a huge stomachache.

And angry…

I got my hair straightened again last week, after a year. PERMANENT STRAIGHTENING. Last year it was awesome.

This time I got the coolest hair ever. It’s freaking long, and I got a cool fringe thing.

Except, when I washed it, it was curly again.

That wasn’t supposed to happen.

I want my money back.

Hey, life’s good. Still treading, but not drowning at all.

 

Happy birthday to me.