Brain Bugs

When I created this blog, I didn’t intend it to be a journal on depression. I didn’t make any plans at all. I just wanted to have a mental record of a lot of things that don’t fit in my teeny tiny memory.

But reading the latest entries, I can see how everything spins around depression.   Boring.  Now, when I turn off the computer, things  don’t really change.  It’s not that I focus too much on feeling depressed, is that it’s all there is at the moment.

Right now I am very irritable, so much that every little sound pierces my skull, I can’t even stand the voices of my family, and rage builds up inside me when they decide to ask me what the hell is wrong.  Argh, people, just leave me the hell alone.  But at the same time, don’t go.

I’ve been sleeping most of the time, and this is weird even for me.  I’ve been sleeping over 16 hours a day without the help of any medication.  

The brain keeps going from one glitch to the other.

 

Random Happenings in Life

The teacher in charge of grading me for my work in the social medicine rotation has been extremelly patient but the month is almost over and I haven’t done anything.  I cannot see a moment when I’ll be able to, and then I panic when I think what my life will be like if I can never work.  O_O  This just can’t happen.

There’s no talking to people because I really have no patience for anyone out there.  No patience for their ignorance, their intolerance and their cheap advice.  I can’t deal with any of that now.  If I try, I would be rude with a lot of them, and I don’t want to.

Oh yes, the teacher I mentioned recommended me some practicioner who is especialized in alternative medicine.  Chinese stuff apparently.  I had to go because I really can’t say no to anything this person says because a lot in my “professional” life depends on what he has to say about me.  I think I have this unrealistic hope that someone will allow me to graduate because of everything I’ve done so far, and not care about the fact that I haven’t been able to complete the last 4 months.   (Like, oh yes, she’s so much better than a lot of people we’ve graduated from here, so what’s the harm?)

It would not cure my depression but at least I could rest a bit.  I could say “yes, I made it.  Even if I die right now I will have this one single acomplishment”.

Ah whatever.  It doesn’t really matter. It’s just one of those things you *think* is going to make you feel better but it probably won’t.   Now prepare for the rant to continue.

For the record, I don’t buy any of that alternative medicine crap.  It hasn’t shown to be better than placebo.  And it’s not that I dislike placebo.  I don’t.  I think placebo could help me, but in order for placebo to work I would have to be unaware that I’m being administered placebo in the first place.

Last Friday, the alternative medicine doc put some spiky things on my ears and gave me hypnotherapy.  During such hypnotherapy I seemed concentrated because I was trying my best not to laugh at the whole “new age” environment with the music and the bells.   For some reason, she has decided not to charge me in the 2 appointments i’ve had so far.  But she’s expecting me next week.  I’ll probably start rebelling against it the moment she starts charging, because that would give me an excuse to stop going there.  Plus, I’m actually broke.  So it would be more like a reason than just an excuse. 

Oh, my extended family has offered me to go see this “awesome person” in another city near here.  Probably more mumbo jumbo.  BUT I’m considering it.  The reason is that I’ve never been to that city before. It’s not too far and I think I could enjoy a trip… I’m just sad I don’t have my camera to record any of it.

WoW

I’ve been playing some World of Warcraft.

It’s a whole world, really big, where I am a human paladin.

Besides playing, which is really fun, in WoW you can do two things.

1.  When you fight, you can get beaten to death.  It sucks.  I mean, you reappear somewhere in a cemetery and have to walk and find your own body.  In real life you wouldn’t have to bother with that.

2.  You can get tired of playing and sign off.

 

I’ve noticed that in real life, when I’m really suicidal, I don’t want to do 1.  I want to do 2.  I wish I could sign off for a while.

I don’t want to get beaten to dead, I just want a break from it all.

If I treated my best friend…

…the way I treat myself…

• I would shout insults at her more than once a day.
• I would pull her hair and ocassionally bang her head against a wall to make her stop thinking so many stupid things.
• I would interfere with her work until she’s completely unable to do it.  Then I’d make jokes about her incompetence.
• Every now and then, I would keep her in a locked space without even allowing her to shower.
• Everytime something goes wrong in her life, I would nag her with comments about her worthlessness, all day, all week until something else distracts me.
• I would blame her of absolutely everything that goes wrong.
• I would tell her she doesn’t deserve to have any friends because she annoys them to death.
• I would take away her hope.
• I would tell her that her existance is pointless.
• Even more, I would constantly threaten to kill her.

I kind of like her, and sometimes I’m good with her, but after all of this,

why is she still hanging out with me?

Being hard on yourself sometimes can have benefits, if you’re talking about things like discipline and self control,  but this is crazy, it’s completely counterproductive.

Intrusive thought

“I try but I’m completely convinced that I will fail.  I cannot do this.  It’s only a matter of time before everybody notices and sees how much of a failure I am.  I’ve been so lucky and given so many opportunities I don’t deserve more.”

repeat

repeat

repeat

repeat

repeat

repeat

repeat

repeat

repeat

repeat

ad infinitum.

Trich

My mind won’t settle.  My left hand is numb, why? Because I’ve been obsessively pulling my hair all day.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trichotillomania

One thing about my hair pulling problem, is that is restricted to the hair on my head.  I can’t imagine how it would be if I was pulling hair from other places.  I can barely shape my eyebrows every now and then.  But pulling from the head doesn’t hurt.    I’ve also learned to do it without leaving patches.  When I was about 10, this was a lot worse and I did have bald patches.  But now I only pull individual strands at the time.  I just take a bit from different areas, and since I have so much hair, there’s no difference.

Oh, and also, I not only pull my hair but I also bite it and every now and then I inadvertently swallow it although this is rare and doesn’t feel very good.  I hope  I don’t burp a hair ball while on a date.

This is something that barely had my attention until I had my psychiatry course in 2006 and found out there was a name for it.  It always gets worse when I’m anxious.  

And right now I just can’t stop.

In a Bubble

Things are not particularly good.  But this time I have a lot more support than I did before.  My family is aware of the situation and they are trying to take care of me, they keep me fed and safe and loved.  I’ve made sure I stay off work while I recover.  I’ve created new bonds that are very valuable.  I’ve learned more things that help my mind deal with everything.  

This is not a milder depression, I just have more tools to deal with it.  I wonder if this is it.  I am alive and well after all.  But my ambitions and everything inside of me are still boiling.  A bigger social support only means that I’ll have a better time when depressed than I did when I was completely alone, isolated from everything and confused.  

What kind of behaviour am I reinforcing if whenever I’m depressed people come in my aid? That sounds like an evil and indulging kind of therapy.  

I’m not trying to be this person that is just not happy with anything; if people reject me, then everything sucks and if people accept me everything still sucks. I just value some things like independence.   I don’t want to lose it.  I don’t want to survive if that means I’ll have to depend on someone else to stay safe.  I don’t want to get addicted to being taken care of.

Edit: Now I just realized that I sound like a brat.

Edit2: 40000 pageviews! yay!